What You Should Know About Consensual Non-monogamy?
Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy (also referred to as ethical or responsible non-monogamy). In responsible polyamory, everyone knows that there are other partners, and each person gets to negotiate their involvement in the relationships. Romantic, emotional, and/or sexual involvement may differ in each relationship. Polyamory literally means many loves (poly = many, amor = love). Polyamory is not cheating or polygamy.
- Polygamy: involves marriage between multiple people
- Open relationships: involve sexual relationships among multiple people
- Swinging: entails couples “swapping” sexual partners
- Triads or throuples: where three people all date one another
- Polyfidelity: all partners in a group agree not to have romantic and sexual relationships outside the established group
- Casual sex: people have sexual relationships without any romantic relationship or commitments, possibly with multiple sexual partners
- Casual dating: people date multiple people
What’s the difference between ethical non-monogamy and infidelity?
Infidelity, or what many experts refer to as “breaking a relationship agreement,” involves deception and/or betrayal. With ethical non-monogamy, all partners are aware of one another and consent to the relationship. That’s not to say that infidelity can’t happen in an ethically non-monogamous relationship. Sometimes, people in these relationships overstep boundaries and betray or deceive their partners. This might be considered infidelity.
It can also include relationship anarchy, although many people consider this a philosophy or a political approach as opposed to a relationship style. Relationship anarchy challenges assumptions around relationships and the idea that one relationship (like a married relationship) is more important than other relationships (like friendships). Relationship anarchy might include having multiple intimate partners.
Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term, and polyamory is just one way to practice it. Polyamory is having intimate relationships with multiple people at the same time. In other words, you can have more than one romantic partner at the same time.
How do you introduce this subject?
This depends on your situation. Everybody “starts” ethical non-monogamy in a different way. Sometimes, a couple opens their relationship to others. Sometimes, people meet other non-monogamous people and form a throuple. Others join couples in a committed or casual way. If you’re already partnered, it’s a good idea to talk with your partner about your feelings. Discuss why you’d like to try ethical non-monogamy and emphasize that it’s not that they’re “not enough” for you. Commit to learning more about it as a couple.
Consider connecting with other non-monogamous people without the expectation of sex or relationships. This is a good way to process your feelings, learn more about ethical non-monogamy, and form friendships with non-judgmental people. Apps and dating sites are a great place to start.
Ethical non-monogamy can become complex because there are so many ways to practice it. For this reason, it’s a good idea to continually learn more about it. New terms and concepts are constantly being developed to help people describe relationship styles more accurately, so it’s important to be open to learning those new ideas.
Partner Abuse
Red flags for partner abuse in a polyamory relationship.
- Insist that their way of practicing polyamory is the only way to practice polyamory?
- Prevent you from joining a polyamory community or learn more about non-monogamy?
- Threaten to “out” you to friends, family, or co-workers?
- Violate your safer sex agreements?
- Try to control your other relationships?
- Isolate you from your friends and family?
- Ridicule you when you try to express limits or emotions?
- Force you to choose between partners or control your contact with other people?
An abusive partner might say:
- “Why are you acting so jealous? You must not really be poly…”
- “Everything you say to me will be reported to my other partners.”
- “You need to impress my primary partner…”
- “Group sex is the only way to build group intimacy.”
- “You owe me for spending so much time with your other partners.”
- “If you don’t do this… I will tell your family that you are poly.”
Just as with any other red flag of abuse, you need to immediately remove yourself from the threat. Seek the help of friends, family, and authorities if necessary. Relationships steeped in pleasure are possible in so many methods and if you are looking to explore ethical non-monogamy, some resources can help you do so.
Did I leave you with a question? Send them to me via X, IG, or FB and keep watch for my response. Don’t hesitate to reach out to me – it would be my honor to assist you in navigating this aspect of your sexual health and empowering you to experience the pleasure and fulfillment you deserve. debra.shade.youcanbook.me
