By Megan Hussey, The Feminist Sexpert

Whereas porn once was considered an industry in which women were seen and not heard, today’s adult industry is–like many professions and life in general–a place of change and evolution, and (dare we dream. Ladies?) actual friggin’ progress. Today more and more women are directing, producing and writing adult films, presenting their ideas, their fantasies, their messages for a new and enlightened audience of all genders, races and sexualities. Also out there–and outspoken–are the performers who demand better treatment on set, and who are unafraid to express their ideas and desires in contribution to the creative process.

And then, of course, there are the female writers, editors, publicists and journalists that also make their views and voices known in today’s adult industry–like, for example, The Feminist Sexpert! And in my role as a writer, columnist and commentator, I shall not rest until every single woman working at every level of the industry has a voice and makes it heard. Loudly. And that includes the customer service representatives who sell adult products.

This message came to me loud and clear years ago, when–in a professional capacity as a marketing rep for a leading feminist porn company, and because I wanted to look at some smut–I visited a small adult store in a working class suburban area of Tampa Bay, Florida.

A sole woman was working behind the counter at this store, which–until the moment of the Feminist Sexpert’s momentous entrance–seemed to be drawing a mostly male clientele on the day of my visit. A lovely young woman in her early 20s, the clerk looked on with wary eyes as a man popped his head out of a corner viewing booth and barked, “The film needs changing!”

“Please,” the young woman finished his sentence for him, rolling her eyes heavenward as she trudged forward from behind the counter to change the ever-lovin’ film so Mister could get on with his own private enjoyment.

Once she was free, I asked if she could show me the shop’s selection of erotic books and films for women. Immediately she brightened, and she happily gave me a tour of the corner of the shop custom made for the female porn fan. I told her that I was an industry writer, and she showed great interest and enthusiasm as she asked about my work and projects.

I reciprocated in kind, handing her the microphone as I asked her about how she–herself an industry professional–felt about the movies she sold.

Immediately her features darkened, and she raised a firm finger as she declared, “Some of these guys who make movies, I simply cannot support.”

“Please tell me who,” I urged her, “I’m in the industry, and your opinion matters to me.”

I’m tellin’ ya; at that point, this gal seized the mic, amped up the volume, and made her voice known. And how.

As the unleashed lioness unloaded verbally on certain directors who–in her estimation–abused and degraded women, I took mental note of the names she mentioned; at the same time also noting the facial expressions of the male customers who filled the shop around us.

To sum up, these expressions pretty much ranged from annoyed to out and out petrified.

“My work here is done,” I summarized.

Of course, not all of my interactions with adult customer service reps have revolved around the negative aspects of porn. I remember back to my early days as a fan, getting home from the late shift and dialing up the Adam and Eve customer service line; ordering the prized femme porn that would relieve the stress of a full day’s work.

Nearly 100 percent of the time, the customer service agents with whom I interacted were women–ladies whom I engaged in lively conversations about their favorite adult films and the hunks of the genre. Soon we enjoyed a phone-based slumber party filled with laughter and warmth–and not once did I order any of these lovely ladies to “Change the film!”

More recently, I saw an enlightening YouTube video about how to act in an adult video store. When I shared my favorable response to the comments of the female clerk who appeared in the video, one male viewer advised me me to “Oh, just shut up.”

Aw, Folks, doesn’t he know he’s only encouraging the Feminist Sexpert? Because my work here is far from done.

Megan Hussey

Feminist Sexpert

Sexpert.Com

Photo Image by engin-akyurt

Edging, or orgasm control, has been popping up in mainstream culture more and more recently, but what is it exactly? And, more importantly, how can it be used to not only improve your sex life, but also to turn up the kink?

Why?

The reasons for edging are several: it can be used to prolong the duration of self-pleasure or lovemaking, and many find that when they do eventually orgasm, it’s a much stronger, more intense sensation. Edging also has a much kinkier benefit if you and your partner are into BDSM. ‘Orgasm Denial’ is an extremely common aspect of Dominant/submissive play, where the Dominant will bring their submissive to the edge of orgasm then ‘go back to 0.’ Contrary to what some of the books in the 50 Shades series would have you think, this is actually harder than it seems.

How?

First, let’s talk about edging in terms of controlling your own orgasm. It is easiest to practice this control on your own for a few reasons. It not only takes an intimate knowledge of your body and how it responds to stimulation, but also a great deal of control. Most of us have become proficient at making ourselves orgasm by masturbation.  Because of this, it can take some effort to force yourself out of the practice of doing what feels exactly right and coming as quickly as possible.

To practice, try switching up your usual habits. If you’re used to using a powerful vibrator like a wand, it may be too strong of a sensation when you are just starting to practice, so switch to a lighter speed. Try using your favorite rabbit vibrator on a different pattern, or if you always make counter-clockwise circles on your clitoris with your left hand, try going the other way, using your right hand. It can be frustrating (but that’s kind of the point.)

Many people also find that using deep-breathing techniques helps to relax and center your mind as you concentrate on the phases of your orgasm as it builds. You can practice vocalizing (“I’m about to come”) which may seem silly, but it will be very helpful when practicing with a partner. All this practice with yourself will help you figure out how to control your orgasm, but you will need to help your partner understand your signals as well. Show them! Mutual masturbation is a great way to learn more about each other’s bodies and orgasms, and it’s invaluable if you want to practice edging, orgasm control, with each other.

Once you get to the point to practice on each other, it may be helpful (and sexier) to use restraints to tie them up and then use a powerful wand massager on them to bring them close to climax, back off, and then repeat for as long as they can handle it.

Conclusion

Many men will already be somewhat familiar with edging (or, ‘thinking about baseball’) as a way of making sure they can please their female partners for an extended period of time, but sharing your orgasm signals with each other not only helps you both better understand what the perfect pleasure is for each other, but also opens the door for some pretty kinky play. Have fun!

Source: Katy Thorne for Volonte by Lelo, Kymbra’s Closet

model of a clitoris devised by the Sydney artist Alli Sebastian Wolf

The Gland
The power is in the Clitoris. Its ability to be responsive in so many different pleasurable ways make it the most powerful part of the anatomy according to many. The clitoris is a gland that is made of the head, the shaft, the legs that stretch along the pubic arch and the bulbs right behind it. Upon arousal the clitoris can become erect. The shaft within can be manipulated by moving it up and down or squeezing it softly. With sole stimulation of the clitoris, you can cause orgasms of various intensities. You can also use your mouth and lips to give pleasure – cunnlingus.

Arousal is crucial
There are some considerations you should take when you are masturbating or with a partner. It is possible to overwork the clitoris. Some people may also have a highly sensitive clitoris in which you can use the clitoral hood to buffer the sensation. You must create arousal to get an orgasmic result. If you are alone, touch other parts of your body that turn you on. Get in a great position for exploration and find the stimulation you need to release. If you are with a partner, they need to be mindful of the pressure, force, and speed that they use when touching the clitoris. Whether they are using their fingers, mouth, or tongue, it is important that they stay mindful in pushing down over the clitoris which can be painful when harden.

Pressure, Speed and Force
The amount of pressure you use to squeeze or lick over and around the clitoris could be too much for the recipient. This is because there is a certain direction and placement of the clitoris that feels better than others. Finding the sweet spot is the goal, you may be preventing the orgasm from being released because of the distraction of “grazing” the sweet spot. Listen to the person and stay where they need you to be. Of course, you need to also think about speed. Starting slow, gentle, and purposeful is a great way to begin the process. If you begin to move your fingers or tongue over the clitoris rapidly you are going to create over sensitivity or pain. Wait for the go ahead to pick up speed. By then you have been giving the formula for this person’s orgasm. The perfect amount of pressure, the perfect speed and force.

As the receiver, you can control your breathing to stay present and aware of the sensations you are experiencing. Take in slow steady air to the count of 2-4 counts and release it at 6. Keep this up as you become vocal, moaning increases senses for all parties. It lets the giver know that they are doing something right and stay where they are. If you are receiving, you should be in a safe space where you can tell your person by moving your body where your sweet spot is. Be comfortable with gyrating, pressing down, speaking up, whatever it takes to convey your need. A safe space is when your giver follows your wishes without guilt, shame, or pressure to keep going.

Add in Fingering
It is also important to follow through on what types of pleasure you want to receiver/give. A clitoral orgasm can stand alone, if you add other stimulation, you will change the type of orgasm that is being had with the clitoris being the most powerful and reactive spot. Let’ s say you begin to use your fingers to open the Vspot and begin to stimulate the vaginal walls, the Aspot, Gspot, Cspot, deep spot or cul de sac. Creating a rhythm between clitoral stimulation and pressure, force and speed of your fingers can create an all over body release.

The Star of the Show
While every clitoris owner is different, knowing the basics of how to stimulate it, makes you a better lover, helps you to practice patience and requires you to stay focus on the pleasure you are giving and the reaction of the person. When you find that they are flinching, moving away from you, or verbally expressing discomfort, you must stop whatever you are doing right way. Often when you “traumatize” the clitoris it will not respond to further stimulation pleasurable. It’s like losing an erection. If the situation agrees, you can start over by going back to the foreplay that led them to arousal. It may take longer to get them fully engaged again but take patience to allow them to get there. Accept the power of the clitoris and its ability to be the star of the show.