Might as Well Face You’re Addicted To Love

“My fear of abandonment is exceeded only by my terror of intimacy.”– Ethlie Ann Vare

“Addicted to Love” was a hit song for Robert Palmer in 1985 and remains a perennial pop favorite today, but the reality of love addiction isn’t so much fun.

Being in love feels fantastic but not when it crosses into obsessive thinking, manipulation, crippling fear, and panic attacks. If self-worth and happiness all hinge on a romantic relationship, it places a stranglehold on a healthy life. This overwhelming need, this
starvation for love, thrives on a dangerous blend of high expectations and low self-esteem. The ‘love addict’ begs for a love that he or she feels unworthy of, creating a no-win situation.

In her book, Love Addict: Sex, Romance, and Other Dangerous Drugs, Ethlie Ann Vare offers incredible insight into the rarely discussed affliction of love addiction. By using alcoholism as a comparison, she found that many of the psychological and behavioral issues were the same, which indicates that, like the difference between a heavy drinker and an alcoholic, there is a difference between someone who loves love and a love addict.

There really isn’t a strict test to decipher if you’re a love addict, but Ethlie offers a series of statements to consider that may indicate a problem.

Here are 10 of them:

1. I often feel an instant connection to someone I’ve just met.

2. I consistently choose partners who are emotionally, geographically, or logistically unavailable.

3. I have passed over family, social or career opportunities in favor of romantic and sexual ones.

4. I use sex to hook a prospective romantic partner.

5. I have considered, threatened or attempted suicide over a relationship.

6. I feel worthless when I am not in a relationship and jump into the next one as quickly as possible.

7. When I’m attracted to someone, I often ignore warning signs that this person isn’t good for me.

8. I am possessive and jealous when I’m in love.

9. I like to be the pursuer in the game of love, even chasing after people who have rejected me.

10.I have been dependent on drugs, alcohol, gambling, spending or food in the past, but most people think I have my life together.

Again, this is not a scientific test and it’s actually possible to answer “yes” to all of them
and not be addicted to love. However, your gut reaction to the questions and the intensity
with which you can answer “yes” is a good indication of whether or not you should take a closer look. The concept of love addiction is incredibly complicated, largely because it is so hard to understand. As Ethlie puts it, “Sex and love aren’t the problem. They are someone’s solution to a problem we don’t understand.”

As described by doctors Harvey Milkman and Stanley Sunderwirth in their book, Craving for Ecstasy: The Consciousness and Chemistry of Escape, the brain’s reward system has three divisions:

1. Arousal: gambling, cocaine, extreme sports, sex

2. Satiation: overeating, alcohol, heroin, relationship attachment

3. Fantasy: LSD, marijuana, religion, and romance

Romantic relationship elements are the only ones that cross all three divisions, making love addiction quite intense. What helps define behavior as an addiction is the obsessive element. A desire for love is replaced with an obsessive need for love that can lead to stalking tendencies, excessive relationship “hoping,” and mistaking every “hello” as an invitation for romance.

The brain chemicals most associated with love addiction are dopamine, serotonin, vasopressin, oxytocin, and phenyl- ethylamine (PEA), with others like testosterone and adrenaline coming into the mix as well. While all of these elements play a big part in a healthy romantic relationship, it is the miscommunication between these elements within the addict’s brain that causes problems. In Healing the Addicted Brain, Dr. Harold Urschel uses the analogy of a phone call to describe how this miscommunication happens:

If one cell is trying to speak to another cell but doesn’t have enough of the necessary neurotransmitters, it can only whisper its message or even become mute. If it has too much of certain neurotransmitters, it may send an incorrect message. Conversely, if a cell is trying to listen to another cell but doesn’t have the proper assistance, it will only hear the message faintly, if at all. Or, if the cell has too many of a certain receptor, it will ignore the messages of others. It’s not an imbalance that happens as much as the addict brain isn’t using what it has properly. The trigger, whether it is cocaine or a new relationship, gives a short-term boost to these transmitters, causing a chain reaction through the brain’s reward center, which in turn creates a hunger for these euphoric feelings.

Love addicts can feel a gaping hole in the center of their lives when they are not in a relationship. It is in his or her nature to quickly, desperately find the next partner, simply to have someone, anyone, to give their life meaning. It is easy to focus on the potential of
something instead of the reality of it. You must look at your situation as an outsider and examine the facts as they are today.

1. Is this relationship healthy?
2. Are my needs being met?
3. Have I accidentally placed my partner on a pedestal?
4. Are we equals or am I the only one willing to compromise?

Sadly, making the choice to stop loving in an unhealthy way may result in the need to end a damaging relationship. A partner, who has been treated like royalty, with no need for compromise or equality, may not know how to give you the healthy relationship you need.

Even the end of a bad relationship needs a grieving process. It helps cleanse the psyche so the same negative patterns don’t get repeated. Give yourself time to fully feel the loss and try to find the positive things that you can take away from the experience.

Addicted To Sex

Enjoying sex certainly isn’t a cause for concern, nor is a desire to have sex often. However, there is a line that can be crossed when desire becomes an obsession and that’s when things become troublesome and dangerous.

Sex addiction afflicts someone that has a compulsive sexual disorder with no (or little) self-control. It is believed that as many as 30 million people in the United States suffer from some level of sexual addiction.

Consider the following questions that are used to define someone’s level of addiction:

1. Do you think about sex so often that it interferes with your concentration?

2. Are you obsessed with a specific person or sexual act even though it brings you cravings and discomfort?

3. Are you finding your sexual pursuits affect your ability to manage your life?

4. Do you HAVE to flirt?

5. Do you feel you are entitled to sex?

6. Would life have no meaning without sex?

7. Do you think that sex is the only thing that really gives you value?

8. Do you use sex as an escape from other problems or stress?

9. Do you keep a list of the partners you have been with?

10.Do you need the “high” that the dangerous sex and the risk of being caught can promise?

If your answer to all these questions is “yes”, then you possibly suffer from sexual compulsion. Sexual addiction is a relatively new addition to psychosexual disorders. People were simply defined as being hyper-sexual, players, promiscuous, and not wired for
monogamy.

“Sexual addicts are willing to sacrifice what they cherish most in order to preserve and continue their unhealthy behavior.”– Dr. Patrick Carnes

It was as recent as 1983 that sexual addiction first came to the front and center of the news as a legitimate medical concern upon the publication of Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Dr. Patrick Carnes. These hyper-sexual behaviors are
oftentimes connected to other addictive or obsessive personality traits, psychological disorders, self-esteem issues, self-destructive behavior, hereditary addiction issues, and lowered sexual inhibitions.

A sexual addict’s mind is sparked the same way as most addictions occur. The brain tells
the sex addict that having illicit sex is good the same way it tells over-eaters that over eating is good. The addicted brain fools the body by producing intense biochemical rewards (levels of PEA phenylethylamine) that boost euphoria for self-destructive behavior.

There are three-stage progressions in becoming addicted:

1. In the first stage, the person actually believes that his or her addiction is healthy, normal, and pleasurable.

2. In the second stage, the person has conflicting thoughts about whether or not the addiction is healthy, normal, and pleasurable.

3. In the third stage, the person realizes that they are addicted and feels unhealthy, abnormal, and more pain than pleasure, yet he or she maintains and feeds the addiction.

The key is to discover the thought processes that are at the base of the addictive behavior and working to replace them with healthy behavior or eradicate them. Trauma, grief, previous abuse, anxiety and depression have all been linked to sexual addiction. In these
cases, the act of intercourse is not treated as something sexual, it becomes medicinal. The endorphins, serotonin and testosterone of sexual activity and release create the bandage that briefly soothes the deeper, untreated pain.

The four most common methods for treating sexual addiction are the same as treatments for any other addictions:

1. The Twelve Step Programs

2. Psychotherapy

3. Sex Addiction Treatment Facilities

4. Spiritual Intervention

Like food addictions, sexual addiction can be challenging to treat because sex is an important part of life. It’s our second basic instinct after survival, and unlike learning to function without drugs, alcohol or cigarettes, learning to function without any sex at all is not possible when trying to build or maintain an intimate relationship.

Understanding how a healthy sexual and intimate relationship looks and feels can be difficult after sexual addiction treatment. As a child abuse survivor, recovered sex addict, and therapist, Maureen Canning speaks from experience as she identifies the 10 characteristics of a healthy relationship in her book Lust, Anger, Love: Understanding
Sexual Addiction and the Road to Healthy Intimacy.

1. Sex provides a feeling of wellbeing.

There is a safety in a healthy relationship that may be a bit scary at first. It will take patience and perseverance to move beyond the feelings of disconnection and shame that may have been part of the previous sexual experiences.

2. Emotional and physical sensations are more positive.

Romantic intimacy requires vulnerability and emotional honesty without numbing or “chasing the orgasm.”

3. Creativity and passion are rediscovered.

As sex is no longer the only outlet for emotional expression, the brain learns to use these tools for creative exploration in new ways.

4. You nurture yourself in non-genital ways.

Pleasure is expanded beyond the previously exclusive channel of sexuality to include all aspects of life.

5. Suffering is tolerated as a part of life.

When life’s challenges, disappointments, and difficulties come along, they are dealt with in a more cerebral rather than sexual way. They are faced, not hidden.

6. You can be emotionally vulnerable.

It is common for sexual addicts to fear betrayal and to suppress their feelings instead of risk being hurt. In a healthy relationship, vulnerability is not only acceptable but also necessary.

7. You develop and maintain healthy boundaries with others.

Boundaries are the enemy for many addicts and in some cases work as the trigger for destructive behavior. Acknowledging, accepting and embracing the safety within these romantic boundaries are an important part of recovery.

8. Sexuality is well balanced and moderate.

Sexual energy in all its extremes is used to motivate the life of a sex addict. With sexual maturity comes the appropriate flow of this energy.

9. You are curious and caring about other people’s reactions to you.

Whereas sex addiction is very ego-driven and the emotional lives of others are kept at a distance, healthy intimacy requires empathy and understanding for your partner’s point of view.

10. You learn to trust others.

The first step in overcoming sexual addiction is learning to trust yourself and accepting the truth of who you are. This personal trust gives you the courage to lower your guard
enough to invite in the truth and trust of a partner.

If you or a loved one is experiencing sex addiction, these resources may be helpful:

• Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
• The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health
• Relativity at Elements Behavioral Health (formerly the Sexual Recovery Institute)

Find out more about Love Addiction here to get help. https://www.addictioncenter.com/drugs/love-addiction/

Menopause and Andropause

Another hand we’re dealt as human beings is getting older, and that comes with physical changes like hormonal shifts. You’re probably all thinking about menopause, but changes in hormones are not exclusively a female issue. It’s a natural part of aging that affects
both sexes, though for men the changes happen more gradually while women tend to experience a dramatic hormone plunge. In women, ovulation ends and hormone production plummets during a relatively short period of time.

Often referred to as “andropause,” men can experience a decrease in testosterone, sexual function, energy and mood swings but these changes may be subtle and can go unnoticed for years.

Symptoms of decreased testosterone may include:

♥ Changes in sexual function, including erectile dysfunction, reduced sexual desire, and infertility. Testes might become smaller as well.

♥ Changes in sleep patterns, either with insomnia or increased fatigue.

♥ Physical changes such as increased body fat, reduced muscle mass and strength, and decreased bone density, sensitive breasts (gynecomastia), and body hair loss.

♥ Emotional changes such as decreased motivation or self- confidence and increased bouts of depression.

♥ Trouble concentrating or remembering things.

♥ Though far more likely in women going through menopause, it is also possible for men to experience hot flashes.

As all of these symptoms can indicate other ailments such as thyroid problems or medication side effects, a blood test is the only way to properly diagnose a decrease in testosterone.

Though the prospect of aging and menopause is often met with trepidation and depression in many women, Dr. Louann Brizendine and author of The Female Brain, argues “the change will set you free.”

For the 150,000 women who enter menopause each month in America alone, this may be revolutionary news. As Dr. Brizendine sees it, the decline in hormones that comes with menopause allows for a whole new approach to life that can be equal parts confusing and liberating.

Fundamentally, menopause marks the end of the “mommy brain” that had previously put a higher focus on the needs of others, especially children and romantic partners. As the ebb and flow of estrogen and progesterone levels out, the call to be a caretaker decreases as the production of oxytocin declines sharply. Dr. Brizendine points out that the “estrogenized brain” is more wired to be nurturing and protective of our relationships. However, menopause causes a decrease in estrogen, which places the level closer to that of the amount of testosterone women carry. These new hormone levels makes a woman’s brain more like a man’s so she may become more prone to anger or, at the very least, less likely to embrace a path of passivity.

These changes have great potential to create conflict in romantic relationships because there can be tremendous shifts in how a woman reacts to situations, and how she perceives her role in a partnership. She may be more prone to angry outbursts and less able to overlook things when they disappoint, aggravate or offend her. According to Dr.
Brizendine, after the age of menopause, 65% of divorces are initiated by women, pointing
to the dramatic shift in what they are willing to tolerate after these hormonal changes finally settle down.

Aging Is An Honor

“When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.” – Dr. John Gray

The brain itself goes through some changes over the course of a lifetime as well. The Dana Foundation is a private philanthropic organization committed to advancing brain research and to educating the public on the scientific discoveries of how the brain works. In their extensive reference guide, The Dana Guide to Brain Health, their team of medical experts dedicates a lot of time to how the brain evolves over the course of a lifetime. About the aging process, they state, “The most important trait the brain brings to adulthood and through the end of life can be summed up in one word, “plasticity.’”

Neuroscientists created the term plasticity to define the brain’s biological evolution when confronted with new experiences or change. This is how we learn, develop, and break habits, adjust to new situations and surroundings, and cope with surprises, changes,
challenges, and opportunities that make up the process of living. Without this plasticity, every new encounter would remain scary and uncertain.

As age progresses, the thick bundle of nerve fibers known as the corpus callosum decrease in size. It is through these fibers that the two halves of the brain pass messages, so this would create a delay in what might have previously been an immediate response. Additionally, the ability to quickly, easily and coherently shift focus from one task or idea to another begins to weaken, starting at middle age, which can lead to a response of irritability toward distractions that used to be more easily managed.

Also, the ability to choose NOT to pay attention to something we consider unimportant — a ticking clock, a neighbor’s loud party, the drip of a leaky faucet — is not a skill we are born with, but one that we learn in early development and it begins to weaken later in life, which can add to a sense of being easily distracted.

“The brain is primed to focus on what changes, rather than what remains in a steady state.”– Sandra J. Ackerman

As the scientific and medical fields have begun to properly diagnose people with Alzheimer’s disease, the concept of senility being a part of the aging process has slowly gone away. While the speed with which things can be done both mentally and physically may be slowed down a bit, a majority of brain functions remain intact throughout a lifetime. Just because your body may not work well on the outside doesn’t mean that it won’t work well on the inside.

Allow yourself to appreciate, relax, relish and accept pleasant experiences. Start saying “yes” to more positive moments and “no” to people making demands on your valuable time, as it’s the most precious gift to give to yourself. Know that a disability or chronic
illness does not equal a disabled sex drive.

NEURO-CISE: STAYING YOUTHFUL, SOLO

While some aspects of aging can’t be controlled, there are many things that will help ensure a longer life, both mentally and physically. The Harvard Medical School offers twelve ways to help your brain retain its power.

1. Get mental stimulation.

Like any other muscle in the body, the brain only stays strong if it’s being used and challenged regularly. Learn a new skill, read about interesting topics, and work on puzzles that require concentration, do craftwork that requires dexterity such as drawing or painting. Create a scrapbook of your relationship or create the love life that you want to manifest with pictures.

2. Get physical exercise.

Exercise inspires the development of new nerve cells and increases the synapses between brain cells. This supports an efficient, flexible and adaptive brain while also creating a host
of health benefits, such as lower blood pressure, improved cholesterol levels, and reduction in mental stress. Kiss the left side of your partner’s body to stimulate the right side of their brain. Hold hands using your non-dominant hand to trigger the opposite side of the brain. Sexual activity is a great workout for your pelvic floor muscles and orgasms cause
contractions that also strengthen them.

3. Improve your diet.

Nutrition is as important to a healthy brain as it is to a healthy body. A reduced caloric intake has been shown to lower the risk of mental decline. Not only do you need to eat LESS you also need to eat BETTER by reducing the consumption of saturated fat and cholesterol from animal sources and of trans-fatty acids from partially hydrogenated vegetable oils. Dementia has been linked to high levels of homocysteine, which can be reduced by increasing your intake of the three B vitamins, folic acid, B6, and B12. Fortified cereal, other grains, and leafy green vegetables are good sources of B vitamins. Feed each other phallic looking vegetables and fruits to boost your health and your libido at the same time.

4. Improve your blood pressure.

High blood pressure in midlife increases the risk of cognitive decline in old age. Many of the ideas outlined in this list help control blood pressure, so stay lean, exercise regularly, limit your alcohol to two drinks a day, reduce stress, and eat right. Research suggests a link between sex and lower blood pressure, says Joseph J. Pinzone, MD. He is CEO and medical
director of Amai Wellness. “One landmark study found that sexual intercourse specifically (not masturbation) lowered systolic blood pressure.”

5. Improve your blood sugar.

Diabetes is an important risk factor for dementia. You can fight diabetes by eating right, exercising regularly, and staying lean. But if your blood sugar stays high, you’ll need
medication to achieve good control.

6. Improve your cholesterol.

High levels of LDL (“bad”) cholesterol increase the risk of dementia, as do low levels of HDL (“good”) cholesterol. Diet, exercise, weight control, and avoiding tobacco will go a long
way toward improving your cholesterol levels. But if you need more help, ask your doctor about medication.

7. Consider low-dose aspirin.

Observational studies suggest that long-term use of aspirin and other nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) may reduce the risk of dementia by 10%–55%. It’s hopeful
information, but it’s preliminary. Experts are not ready to recommend aspirin specifically for dementia.

8. Avoid tobacco.

I can’t imagine you need me to explain this in any greater detail, but you might not know that smoking makes the taste of your body’s juices turn bitter. Quit smoking, and you’ll live
longer and taste better. Enough said.

9. Don’t abuse alcohol.

Alcoholic intake is an interesting balancing act because excessive drinking has been linked to dementia while moderate drinking has been shown to reduce the risk of dementia. It is
recommended that if you are going to drink, that you limit yourself to two drinks a day. According to the National Institute of Health, alcohol increases the risks of sexual dysfunction and can affect one’s abilities in the bedroom. Not only that, but too much booze can cloud your judgment and increase the likelihood of having unprotected sex.

10. Care for your emotions.

Mental health and restful sleep are important tools in maintaining cognition. Taking the necessary steps to reduce and fight anxiety, depression, and exhaustion can go a long
way toward supporting long time mental fortitude. If you’re single, make sure that you have control of your emotions before you have sex with a new partner.

11. Protect your head.

Head injuries increase the risk of cognitive impairment in old age with concussions increasing risk by a factor of 10. Wear a helmet when it makes sense for the task and remain aware of your surroundings and the risk of head trauma.

12. Build social networks.

Life expectancy is increased in those with healthy social circles, so get out more often and make a commitment to becoming fully engaged in the community, especially if you’re single.

Researchers at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania found that People who have regular sex take fewer sick days because they have higher levels of a certain antibody that defends the body against germs, viruses, and other intruders.

Researchers at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital in Scotland conducted a long-term study of 3,500 people between the ages of 30 and 101 and found that regular sex may shave between four and seven years off your physical appearance, which leads me to believe that sex has no expiration date!

NEURO-CISE: SEXY SENIOR, DUO

“Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body, it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity.”– John F. Kennedy

Many make the mistake of thinking that the key to a spicier sex life at any age requires a different partner. This is especially true for couple’s that have been together for a decade or more. It’s assumed that everything has been tried and that you both know each other so
well that there’s no longer the element of surprise that makes a new partner so exciting.

This isn’t true at all. Rediscovering a passionate connection between long-time partners can be as simple as making one single change or addition. As age settles in, we sometimes associate adventure, excitement and “sexual spiciness” with youth, but why should the young folks have all the fun? If you’ve earned your AARP card, you’ve earned your right to the good life. It’s only true that “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” if you keep on throwing the same bone in the same way.

Here’s four ways to spice things up, regardless of age or limitations.

1. Do something new together.

Sometimes the best way to add some excitement in the bedroom is to add some excitement in your life. And the newer the activity, the greater the increase of the feel good brain chemical dopamine, so don’t settle for small new (a different restaurant) when you can go for big new (a weekend cooking or health retreat).

2. Surprise your partner.

There’s nothing sexier than a meaningful surprise. With couples that have been together a long time, a rut of routine can be easily remedied with a surprise. Don’t wait for holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries to do the special things that say, “I still choose you.”

3. Switch it up.

After many years of sex with the same person, the actual act of making love can take on certain predictability. Something as simple as a different position (or a small change to a usual position) can add a healthy spark to the experience.

4. Move it out.

Get out of the bedroom. There’s a game many newlyweds play when they get into their first home where they make it a goal to have sex in EVERY room, including the yard,
garage, shed, pool, and greenhouse. Maybe it’s time for you and your partner to take a new tour of your old house.