Orgasm Issues In Women and How to Overcome Them

“A woman’s greatest challenge is to begin caring for herself as much as she is caring for others.” – Dr. John Gray

Men aren’t the only ones to face performance anxiety, though for many women the anxiety stems more from something mental than physical. Imagine if you will, having the tickle in your nose but never being able to sneeze.

Most sexual encounters involve a man’s orgasm (if a man is involved), but many women
find it challenging to reach orgasm. In fact, according to a study by Dr. Robert W. Birch
as published in Pathways to Pleasure, 10 to 15 percent of American women have never experienced an orgasm.

I know this to be true in my practice, where I’ve had many women come to me with this problem. It’s sad to realize that the medical industry has treated a man’s inability to get an erection as an emergency while no urgency has ever been placed on female sexual satisfaction.

With the advent of Viagra, there was briefly a surge of interest in finding something similar to increase female sexual desire. However, this search was a bust, mostly because it ignored the main issue.

Viagra (and its ilk) don’t increase sexual pleasure or sex drive, they simply drive blood to the penis. Some of the many reasons that women are unable to reach orgasm are much more complicated than lack of blood flow to the clitoris.

Here are 15 orgasm barriers for women:

1. Traumatic past sexual experience
2. Feeling guilty about sex
3. Fear of pregnancy
4. Fear of failure
5. Fear of rejection
6. Lack of stimulation
7. Low self-esteem
8. Being too inhibited
9. Poor communication
10.Chronic tiredness
11.Resentment towards partner
12.Illness or Surgery
13.Medication or Alcohol
14.Pelvic Floor Prolapse
15. Stress

Getting to the bottom of any of the above issues will increase her desire, removing the psychological obstacles holding her back.

Communication is Key

If you aren’t willing to share your fears or inhibitions with your partner, you are limiting yourself to sexual frustration or “okay” sex at best.

Out of the women that do experience orgasm, only 17% report reaching a climax during intercourse. This is due in large part to the fact that sexual penetration does not usually stimulate the clitoris, which is a major component in female arousal. One way for a woman to increase the possibility of orgasm during intercourse is to simultaneously stimulate the clitoris through touch or toys.

Keep in mind that the clitoris contains over 8,000 nerve endings — double the number in the head of the penis! So even an indirect touch with fingers or a vibrator can set “The Big O” in motion. Many women assume a submissive or passive role during sex and find it uncomfortable to be too vocal with their own needs. It’s important for both male and female partner’s to keep this in mind and make a conscious effort to get her comfortable enough to express her own sexual needs. And, women, if you want to reach that orgasmic peak, don’t be afraid to ask for whatever you need to get you there! Chances are he’ll be relieved and excited to hear all about it!

A good way to start is to assume a position with the woman on top. This allows her to control the movements and by leaning in various directions she can find the suitable clitoral stimulation.

Body Issues

One of my clients found an interesting way to rediscover her orgasm after having a baby. Janine was a 39-year-old mother of two who came to me with concerns that “her children stole her orgasm.” Highly sexual and at times multi-orgasmic while in her 20’s, Janine
hadn’t been able to achieve an orgasm in seven years, since the birth of her first child.

As we talked I learned that she had been a dancer for most of her life until she became a mom and her strength and flexibility had added much fun to her bedroom antics. What we discovered together was that she was self-conscious about the way her post-birth body looked, with stretch marks and added weight. Her husband said he found her more beautiful than ever, but the dancer in her mind didn’t agree. When I suggested that Janine blindfold her husband during sex, she laughed until she cried. They were not “those kind of people,” but when I explained that part of her issue seemed to be with her body image, and that if she removed his ability to see her, she would be free to experiment and move around without fear that he was looking at the parts of her that she didn’t like, she said she’d think about it. But she remained doubtful that she could find the nerve to bring it up
with her sweet but reserved husband.

Well, she obviously brought it up because her husband insisted on coming to the next session where he greeted me with a huge hug and a bouquet of flowers!

Going back to what we learned about the plethora of white matter in the female brain making endless connections to information centers, we can extrapolate that women allow many other factors to seep into their sexual experience that may have nothing to do with sex at all.

This is exactly what had happened with Janine. Her self-conscious body image about what childbirth had done to her dancer’s body had interfered with her ability to orgasm!

NEURO-CISE, OXYTOCIN, DUO

Let’s not forget about oxytocin, which is incredibly important to female pleasure! Some things that have been shown to stimulate oxytocin include:

♥ Collaboration: Holding hands, cuddling, eye gazing, synchronized breathing or listening to music together are all activities that build trust and release oxytocin for a woman.

♥ Shared responsibility: Parental bonds from breastfeeding a baby or nurturing an infant by holding, singing or bathing him or her can release this love hormone.

♥ Being served a home-cooked meal: When a man can cook and serve a meal to his partner, even if it’s just breakfast in bed, it makes her feel loved, valued and appreciated.

♥ Massage: Receiving a massage can be relaxing, healing or arousing depending upon the intention, but all of them naturally increase oxytocin levels.

♥ Breast massage: Gentle breast stimulation encourages blood circulation for a healthy lymphatic system and releases oxytocin. You can use massage oil or cream depending upon
your partner’s preferences. Begin by using light pressure in circular motions with your right hand on her left breast, then your left hand on her right breast. Follow by using both of
your hands on each breast with gentle strokes that cover the entire breast area from the underarm, over the nipples down to the bottom of her rib cage.

Breastwork is part of the tradition within Ayurvedic massage that originated in India thousands of years ago. Some of the benefits of Ayurvedic massage include blood circulation, strengthening of brain function, and a calming and relaxing effect on body, mind and soul. The higher the oxytocin level, the better you are able to deal with every day stressors. For men, increased oxytocin levels also lead to feelings of love.

NEURO-CISE: OXYTOCIN, SOLO

♥ You can engage in daily activities on your own to release oxytocin by thinking about someone you love and trust such as a family member or even a pet. Yes, research has shown that pet owners experience increased oxytocin from the love they give and get!

♥ Compassion is linked to higher levels of oxytocin, so volunteering for a charity or being generous to people less fortunate will make you feel good about yourself and reward you with the love hormone.

♥ Laughter is the best medicine for depression and releases bursts of oxytocin, so go to a comedy club or see a funny movie.

♥ Listening to soothing music releases oxytocin, so listen when you are in stressful situations such as driving in rush hour or cooking for company.

♥ Go to a spa and pamper yourself with a massage, facial manicure or pedicure to trigger some self-love and oxytocin.

The Baby Brain

Aside from maintaining a great sex life, many couples prioritize raising a family. Having a child is a life choice that initiates a whole new world of chemical cocktails, sexual challenges, and barriers to romance. While trying to get pregnant can interject a new dose of dopamine and adrenaline – you’re doing something new together! you’re bonding like crazy! – once the pregnancy begins, it’s important to be aware not only of the physical and physiological changes, but also how each of your brains is processing the experience.

Having a baby can certainly bring you closer together as long as you have empathy and understanding for what new feelings your partner may be experiencing, and how they may differ from your own.

Pregnancy Brain

The primary “pregnancy hormone”, human chorionic gonadotropin (better known as HCG), helps to stimulate the production of progesterone in the ovaries during early pregnancy. The cells that make it go on to form the placenta and, once the placenta is developed, it takes over producing the progesterone, as well as estrogen. This added surge of progesterone and estrogen contribute to wild mood swings as their abundance results in blocking the mood-stabilizer serotonin. The stereotype of the hormonal pregnant woman crying one moment and laughing hysterically the next has substantial scientific basis.

Studies have linked HCG to morning sickness, which is one of the physical hurdles to watch out for during pregnancy. Also watch out for migraines, which could crop up as a result of increased estrogen. Other side effects of carrying a child may include heartburn, fatigue, frequent urination and hemorrhoids – oh the joy of it all!

Mommy Brain

“A mother’s sensory-rich life with her newborn actually remaps part of her brain—
improving her ability to interpret new information.” – Katherine Ellison

Once the baby is born, the breastfeeding stage releases huge amounts of oxytocin in the female brain, causing extraordinary bonding between mother and child. Any partner, on the other hand, may feel left out in the cold, as the new mother’s breasts have suddenly turned
into faucets, not the playthings they once were. Many women report not missing sex at all as their lives have become consumed with the endless diapers and feedings, and their “intimate needs” are being met by that new little person who only wants to gaze into her eyes for hours at a time! Even a partner who is extremely hands-on cannot physically understand the transformation that the baby-mama has undergone. But they can certainly be empathetic and create a supportive environment for increased communication, which isn’t always the first instinct of new parents.

Katherine Ellison, author of The Mommy Brain: How Motherhood Makes Us Smarter, draws on cutting-edge neuroscience research to demonstrate that, contrary to long-established wisdom that having children dumbs you down; raising children may make moms smarter. She benefits from enhanced senses during pregnancy and early motherhood, the alertness and memory skills necessary to manage like a pro, a greater aptitude for risk-taking, and a talent for empathy and negotiation. These advantages not only help mothers in raising their children, but in their work and social lives as well.

The Daddy Brain

“While men have little control over the physical course of their partners’ pregnancies, they do harbor a lot of emotions about pregnancy and fatherhood, and thus need to be involved and invested.” – Dr. Mehmet Oz

New dads are just as excited about the arrival of their child as new moms are, but they don’t have the battle scars or the chemical  cocktails to prove it. Or do they? Louann Brizendine MD, author of The Male Brain, has discovered that men do undergo hormonal
changes during the baby’s imminent arrival, and afterward. The stress hormone cortisol rises considerably about four to six weeks after a man learns he’s going to become a father, and begins to fall again as the pregnancy progresses. Brizendine posits that this surge of cortisol puts men into “alert mode”, waking him up to the reality of the new life coming.

“Get prepared!” his brain is screaming at first, and then as he creates and executes a solid plan, his brain chemicals calm down.

Dr. Mehmet Oz, TV Show Host and Cardiothoracic surgeon who has six New York Times best sellers including You: The Owner’s Manual, and You: Having a Baby that he co-wrote with Dr. Michael F. Rozen, says, “Believe it or not, there is a very real thing called “daddy
brain”: Expectant dads go through hormonal and brain changes that roughly parallel those of their pregnant mates; it’s why there are such phenomena as sympathy weight gain and sympathy pregnancy.

Prolactin increases 20 percent in dads in the weeks before birth, and the stress hormone cortisol doubles in dads during pregnancy. Even testosterone dips after birth, allowing the male brain to let down its ultra-male guard and be receptive to bonding.”

In It Together

As different as men and women can be, we all strive for the same things: love, respect, kindness, and personal growth. By understanding our differences, we are more easily able to focus on our similarities and the shared goals we are trying to build
in our romantic relationships.

And by focusing on the desires we share, we will increase our levels of romantic and sexual
satisfaction.

Foreplay Isn’t A Game

Foreplay is an integral part of a great sex life, as well as a healthy and long lasting relationship. A male client once complained to me, “Women consider foreplay everything that happens in the 24 hours prior to intercourse, whereas men only count the three minutes prior to penile insertion.” While he was being funny, I had to admit that he was partially right!

Psychological factors greatly influence a woman’s desire, while a man is more concentrated on the physical aspects. Her surroundings, attitude, and mental state play a much larger part than his in sexual enjoyment.

Dr. Beverly Whipple, a certified sexuality counselor, sex researcher and coauthor of the international best seller The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality, states, “Female sexual response may be much more complex than anyone ever guessed. Men tend to view sex like they do many other things – in a linear way. To them, a sexual encounter is like descending a staircase that leads step by step to only one endpoint: ejaculation. Woman’s sexuality is more holistic and encompasses a much broader scope.”

In the word “foreplay”, “fore” indicates that these activities are the predecessor to a more
important main event, but this isn’t necessarily true. Foreplay isn’t just a prelude to sex, but a process that helps to warm up the mind and body for what is to come, which may or may not be intercourse. And the second half of the word, “play”, should take away some pressure and put the focus on fun and exploration. We get to just be with one another in the sexual sandbox and build something together. The enjoyment and laughter is what’s valuable, so we need to make that the priority over trying to build the perfect castle.

“For women, the process of making love-the holding and the hugging and the tenderness-
can be as emotionally gratifying as orgasm itself, and sometimes even more so.”– Dr. Beverly Whipple

Simple actions can take on fantastic sexual overtones. For example, kissing the fingers can become a tease for oral sex. When kissing a woman’s fingers, you might spread her fingers as if you were spreading her legs, then lick in between each finger like it were the creases of her vagina. And with a man, you could take his thumb in your mouth from tip to base in erotic ways just like it was his penis.

That’s sure to make your desires and indications clear!

NEURO-CISE: FOREPLAY, DUO

Stimulate your brain and get your body in the mood for love by making a list of ten sexual foreplay activities, and then prioritize them in order of your level of arousal. For example: kissing, cuddling, massaging, sharing a bubble bath, romantic dining, feeding each other, role-playing, erotic talk, oral sex, or mutual masturbation.

If you don’t already know what turns you on, you won’t be able to communicate your needs, wants and desires to your partner. So, sharing your lists will lead to some cerebral communication and erotic experiences.

Here are some more ideas for turning a simple act into foreplay:

♥ Make out by a window to make the neighbors jealous.

♥ Play strip poker with your wildest cards.

♥ Distract your partner from working too hard by seducing them with a passionate kiss.

♥ Get comfortable on the floor with some cushions and read a romantic or erotic book together.

♥ Share long shaped food, such as an asparagus, spaghetti or breadstick by taking one end in your mouth and giving the other end to your partner, then nibble your way to the middle.

♥ Have a gentle playful wrestling match. The winner gets to be the receiver of pleasure first.

♥ Brush your partner’s hair.

♥ Use a rolling pin to give your partner a massage, front and back.

♥ Have a naked pillow fight with your partner and kiss them once they’ve lost the battle.

♥ If you’re lucky enough to have a fireplace, smooch or make love in front of the crackling flames.

According to psychiatrist and brain imaging specialist Dr. Daniel Amen, author of Sex on the Brain: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life, “Women need to ask for what they want sexually, and must teach their men through repetition, practice and good coaching.”

Foreplay starts in the brain so take advantage of creative thinking and you’ll have a romantic relationship that lasts.

Intimacy is Key

The thing about foreplay is that it can sometimes be more intimate than intercourse, which seems to focus on the end goal of orgasm rather than the immediate connection between partners. While foreplay can go on for hours, intercourse does not. Though it may not be a popular thing to say, I believe many people actually prefer foreplay to intercourse because it’s much more relaxed and there is less pressure placed on performance. It’s more about the other person than the orgasmic self.

There are four types of intimacy that should sound familiar to you, whether they’re working successfully in your current relationship or not.

Cognitive Intimacy

Cognitive intimacy is when a couple is able to communicate their basic wants, needs and doubts in an open, honest and comfortable way, without fear of judgment or rejection. This is a fundamental building block for relationships since couples who can’t communicate their basic needs to each other usually don’t end up getting what they want, which inevitably derails the love train.

Experiential Intimacy

Experiential intimacy occurs when a couple is actively involved in doing something they enjoy doing together, whether it’s dancing, cooking, painting or gardening. They are literally interacting mentally, physically and emotionally.

Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy can be a slow burning passion that includes a variety of activities such as caressing, kissing, erotic talk and oral pleasure that may or may not lead to sexual intercourse. Sexual intimacy can also include a broader range of sexual behavior such as anal play and role-playing. As long as both partners want to express their sexuality together, there is no right or wrong way to experience sexual intimacy.

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is brought about through willingness, reciprocity, candor and experience, all of which are paramount for establishing trust necessary to bond with someone at such a deep level. To experience emotional intimacy you must first surrender
to yourself so that you feel complete, then surrender to each other to complement each other’s souls. Even if you struggle to express your feelings, you can work towards letting down your defenses and opening up your heart. Begin by listening with empathy and understanding, even when discussion turns to boundaries and relationship “deal breakers.”

Intimacy is Like Opening a Pandora’s Box of Emotions

Intimacy can open up a Pandora’s Box of feelings, so be prepared for uncomfortable feelings along with your feelings of pleasure when you release and surrender yourself completely to each other. It is often harder for a man to surrender than for a woman because some men are unable to distinguish the difference between weakness and
emotional surrender, and they feel it’s unmanly to be weak. It’s worth learning the difference! That vulnerability you feel will enable you to merge into oneness with your partner. We all have fears based on past relationships, but without taking the risk of surrender, there can be no true love and intimacy.

Ultimately, we strive to open our emotional doorways to all of our senses, so that we can be present and emotionally available to one another. Intimacy is not just sex, but incorporates trust, comfort, safety, surrender, respect and open communication. Both partners must have a clear intention of fullness in the moment rather than being goal oriented. Think of intimacy like an artichoke. You have to peel off the layers and savor them before you can devour the succulent tender heart.

The key hormone in acts of intimacy is oxytocin because it is partially responsible for recognition, attachment, bonding and the building of trust. One of the neat things about oxytocin is that you can get your fix anywhere at any time. All you need to do is simply hug someone! The simple act of bodily contact will cause your brain to release low levels of oxytocin — both in yourself and in the person you’re touching. There’s even evidence that simply gazing at someone will do the trick — or even just thinking about them. Studies have shown that a rise in oxytocin levels can relieve pain — everything from headaches and cramps to overall body aches. Oxytocin has been observed to reduce the stress
hormone cortisol in the body and lower blood pressure.

I’ve had many women tell me how annoyed they are that their male partner falls asleep after sex, but there’s an excellent explanation. After an orgasm, men experience decreased activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is the region of the brain associated with processing
and responding to information.

Dr. Serge Stoleru published research entitled Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, where he reported that immediately following this reaction, two other brain areas (the cingulate cortex and amygdala) direct men to disengage from sexual thoughts. As if that weren’t enough, men also receive a spike in serotonin, prolactin and oxytocin levels at this time, leaving them with a powerful sleep-inducing one-two punch.

“Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.”- Dame Barbara Cartland

Intimacy is a vital part of a relationship and it is intention that helps us to reach our goals. Without intention there is no focus or follow through. With shared intention comes a deeper heart connection and an even higher level of sexual satisfaction.

NEURO-CISE: INTIMACY, DUO

♥ Share all the qualities that you love about each other mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually.

♥ Share three strengths plus three things you would like to improve in the relationship.

♥ Share your physical, emotional and sexual boundaries without any judgment.

♥ Share three of your most romantic memories with each other and plan to reenact one that you both agree upon.

♥ Begin describing a romantic fantasy scenario and let your partner add to it. Then take turns creating additional scenes that get more and more erotic.