The Sound Of Your Voice
If the sight of something can light a fire within us, than the sound of it has the power to warm our soul. In our musical catalog of senses, I classify hearing as the classical repertoire. There’s no denying the seductive power of sound. A whisper. A groan. A love song. Hearing your name followed by the words “I love you.” Sound is like an inner massage; cells in your body respond to vibrations and release energy.
Music, laughter and words have power to heal and arouse.
As the auditory cortex receives sound messages with the frontal and parietal lobes, the brain identifies these and defines the direction and distance of these sounds by merging information received from both ears. It’s a highly complicated exchange of information involving intricate instruments. The malleus, incus and stapes (otherwise known as the hammer, anvil and stirrup) are the smallest bones in the human body and are full size at birth. All three together could fit on a penny.
“Sound is the vocabulary of nature.” – Pierre Schaeffer
Using sound in healing has been gaining momentum in the medical industry. “I believe that sound can play a role in virtually any medical disorder, since it redresses imbalances on every level of physiologic functioning,” writes Dr. Mitchell Gaynor in his book The Healing
Power of Sound: Recovery from Life-Threatening Illness Using Sound, Voice and Music.
Furthermore, Dr. Gaynor sees sound beginning to play a large part in the trend of mindful medicine, where the whole person is treated, not just the part that is injured. Just as physical ailments can be caused by emotional distress, our bodies respond to positive emotions with better health, which can be brought about with sound-based therapy that shapes and shifts our mood.
For instance, if you’re sitting in a park on a quiet day, how is your mood affected by the sudden chirping of birds or children laughing nearby versus the explosive blare of a car alarm going off? Or consider the various sounds in your local gym. Compare the differences in music between an intense aerobics class and a meditative yoga class. Whether our conscious mind is aware of it or not, our bodies take cues, emotional and otherwise, from these auditory messages.
Speaking of music, this incredible art form is strongly associated with the brain’s reward system. According to Robert Zatorre, professor of neurology and neurosurgery at the Montreal Neurological Institute, this reward system is that part of the brain that gives value to things and lets us know if they are important for survival. Music also releases the pleasure chemical dopamine in the brain and imaging has revealed that this is similar to how the brain responds to food and sex. “I think there’s enough evidence to say that musical experience, musical exposure, musical training, all of those things change your brain,” says Dr. Charles Limb, of Johns Hopkins University. “It allows you to think in a way that you used to not think, and it also trains a lot of other cognitive facilities that have nothing to do with music.”
Given the healing and mood-enhancing powers of music, it can be an important element to bring into your love life. Bill Lamb is a music journalist who has been covering the world of pop music since 1999. He says that most of us can think of particular songs we associate with the love relationships of our lives. Many couples bond over a particular song, one that
they picked for their wedding dance, or one that was playing during a romantic or exciting
adventure. Take the time to revisit your favorite music as a couple and share the happy
memories it brings up.
Communicating Love
It’s important to pay attention to the sounds of your surroundings, especially as you work to build or rebuild your relationship. Reducing distractions can be hugely beneficial (which is easier said than done if you have kids in the house!). It’s also important to become aware of the tone and volume of your own speaking voice. Never underestimate the power of a kind whisper of affection to your partner. Admiration is one of the best compliments you can give someone you care about. It literally means a feeling of pleasure and approval. Telling your partner what a great job they’ve done or how much you respect and appreciate
decisions they’ve made boosts their self-esteem and opens them up to trusting you with important decisions and events. Your gift keeps on giving as your partner’s brain releases the neurochemical oxytocin which wires the brain to seek opportunities to trust and get more of that safe feeling.
NEURO-CISE: SOUND, DUO
“Our biological rhythms are the symphony of the cosmos, music embedded deep within us to which we dance, even when we can’t name the tune.” – Dr. Deepak Chopra
One of the most important language adjustments you can make is to use open-ended questions that invite a dialogue instead of a one-word answer. Specific questions can reveal how your partner is feeling. For example, instead of asking, “Weren’t you annoyed that
the service was so slow at the restaurant?” to which your partner could just say, “Yes,” re-phrase to ask, “What did you think about the restaurant, even though the service was so slow?” This will invite a full sentence answer where you can continue the conversation for as long as you want. Here are some more examples:
♥ What do you feel about…?
♥ What do you think about…?
♥ What do you like about…?
♥ What do you dislike about…?
♥ What do you want to do about…?
♥ What might happen if you…?
♥ What do you wish would happen if you…?
One couple I counseled had what they described as “relationship- threatening communication issues,” and it turned out that the woman rarely allowed her partner space to voice his opinion. Of course he could have offered it up freely, but given the prompts
for a “yes” or “no” answer, he always took the bait. Then she would become resentful that he didn’t engage in conversation. Simply by incorporating these open-ended questions, their communication issues dissipated.
Compliments are also a great way to show appreciation for your partner because everyone needs to be reminded of all the things that make them lovable. It makes them feel valued. Take some time to do a Love List of all the things you love about each other mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and sexually. Then take turns reading your list to each other. I use this exercise in my office and love to watch couples react to compliments they haven’t heard in years.
Talk Dirty To Me
Lovemaking creates its own form of communication, and one of the best ways to enhance the experience is through erotic talk. Talking Dirty talk is one of the most powerful forms of seduction, and it can make your love life more exciting, more creative, and more fun. It
offers a great starting point for other sexual behavior, and has several benefits all on its own:
♥ It helps escape reality
♥ It safely tests sexual boundaries
♥ It increases arousal
♥ It can intensify orgasm
♥ It’s fun and naughty
Erotic talk is a great escape from your daily routine, work issues, family problems and other life obstacles that bring you stress. Describe your wants and desires, and guess at theirs, utilizing all the senses you can. Imagine what turns you both on, whether it’s a sight, sound, smell, taste, or touch. Keep in mind that, in general, women enjoy implicit fantasies with lots of context and foreplay while men like visually-loaded scenes and explicit action. And remember it’s not always about using X-rated words and descriptions. Sometimes the hottest thing to say is a well-placed “yes” against your partner’s ear.
If you’re intimidated or embarrassed by erotic talk, especially if you’ve been a shy or silent lover in the past, a great way to begin testing the waters is to read erotic literature to your partner. That way you can get comfortable using naughty words and see what does and
doesn’t work for you both. It’s easier to begin with someone else’s words!
NEURO-CISE: SOUND, SOLO
No matter how good your opening line is, it’s not going to work if you don’t use the proper delivery. Here are some basic rules that will help you to connect with strangers.
♥ Be yourself and don’t try to impress by acting like someone else.
♥ Try to make him or her smile or even laugh to get their brain to release feel-good endorphins.
♥ Say his or her name once you find out what it is, as this will you an immediate advantage, since it grabs the person’s full attention.
♥ Use words of a sensory nature such as, “I hear that” or “I can only imagine it” and “I feel the same way.”
Make sure to use an appropriate line for the environment you are in. For example, a friendly approach like, “Hi my name is ______, How are you doing today?” can work anywhere from the supermarket to the carwash. A seductive approach, like “You are the sexiest person here tonight” can be effective at a bar or a nightclub, especially if romantic music is playing in the background. A humorous approach might work almost anywhere from a dog park to a bus stop, but not in a hospital where your target date may be visiting someone close to them who is very ill. If you have a dog, one of my favorite lines is “My dog would like to meet your dog, but she/he is very shy.”
Alternatively, I recommend giving an open-ended compliment such as, “That’s a nice bag, where did you get it?” which lets the person know they have a good sense of style and you can then keep the conversation going with positive feedback.
Remember to say something. Anything is better than nothing!
Start by commenting on the other person or the environment, and then sustain the conversation by asking questions and close by getting their phone number.
For cases of sexual pain in which there is no underlying medical cause, sexual therapy might be helpful. Some individuals may need to resolve issues such as guilt, inner conflicts regarding sex, or feelings regarding past abuse or trauma.
