The Secrets of Everlasting Love & Successful Relationships

By

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September 22, 2021

pexels-ketut-subiyanto-4658204 — Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

The Power of Everlasting Love

Love is a give-give proposition, and everlasting love becomes 100% give on each side. The nature of love is to pour out, it wants to give. Love is being flexible. Couples who have achieved everlasting love don’t tuck each other away in an ivory tower until it is convenient to be together. I know of one sad pair who only made love at 4 o’clock on Sunday afternoons because it suited one spouse’s schedule. Do you think they stayed together?

Eventually one began to play around on the other until it looked as though infidelity broke up their marriage. When two people are bound by everlasting love, they care enough
to consider each other’s needs and bend a little. To paraphrase a well-known allegory, the trees that can bow with the strongest breeze will survive any storm.

What love is not.

Love is not handed to you on a silver platter. It is not automatic. If it were, it wouldn’t be love. The very nature of love is that we grow into it. Love has a high value because it is an investment.

Love is not to be taken for granted. All too many couples give up trying when they have won each other; that’s the very time to continue courting in new ways. Love is a precious gift that we earn, and anything we earn is all the more dear to us. You would not take a new car for granted; no, you keep up the maintenance for as long as the car lasts. Your everlasting love will need the same upkeep if you don’t want to lose it.

Love is not a fleeting moment. It is not something you have one day and lose the next. We quest so for love because of its enduring quality and its ability to grow if nourished.

The Ingredients of Everlasting Love.

Like a good soup, love is made of many ingredients that blend just right. No one single element can serve as the whole meal. And it’s hard to find a good soup recipe, isn’t it? It needs special spices and maybe an unusual ingredient or two, like lotus root or exotic mushrooms. Even everyday potato soup has carrots, onions, garlic, salt; just the
right seasonings.

Let’s look at the ingredients in our love-potion soup. If you went to a sorcerer to help you find everlasting love, you would ask the magician to cook up the following:

Friendship.

If you cannot rely on the person you love, then that person is not worthy of your love. And if your partner cannot count on you, you are not in everlasting love. Friendship means being able to say anything to your partner because you have that ease of “best buddies”. Best friends never take advantage of each other; they are there to help one another.
Any good partnership includes the same love you have for a best friend.

Trust.

I am fond of an old — and trusted — axiom, that goes like this: “People who cannot trust should not be trusted”.

Distrusting people are often deceitful. I have found this to be a reliable measuring stick on the trust issue. But my rule-of-thumb is to give people the benefit of the doubt unless they prove otherwise. You cannot truly be connected to someone you cannot trust. That warm, mellow feeling we experience when we trust each other is a large part of everlasting love. Peace-of-mind in a relationship is vital to its stamina. And trust, like anything worthwhile, is something we earn over time, gradually.

Respect.

As with trust, respect must be earned as well. It isn’t automatic, although the seedlings of it may be there in the beginning of your relationship. Whether it can grow and blossom will determine the depth of your involvement. Respect can also diminish over time, and it is one of the most common reasons for ending a relationship. You must also respect yourself
before someone else will respect you.

Passion.

Yes, that all-consuming feeling of pure lust, euphoric, overwhelming, distracting, beautiful thing we call passion can be spontaneous or it can come on gradually, too. Passion either grows or it dissipates. Passion grows when you can be uninhibited with each other. And you break down any barriers by communicating. Passion fades when you have resentment,
anger or contempt for your partner. Once again, here is an area that cannot be neglected or taken for granted in a relationship. Keep it alive by constantly creating new and exciting things to do together.

Communication.

You cannot feel safe in a relationship without communication. You have to know where you stand, and you owe it to your partner to tell him or her the same. Knowing each other is the prerequisite to happiness in all areas. Communication is like that magic spice that brings out the flavor of all the other ingredients. Hey, that includes sex! Let your partner know it is safe to talk about fantasies and to explore them. Good communication can unleash strong creative energy between you and your partner. And with good communication, you can let your hair down and talk about anything. Not only does it enhance your partnership, it takes a big chunk out of everyday stress.

Love.

Growing with the power of love. Love heals. It can heal you, and it can heal your partner. Then the two of you together are like a new being, free to experience the present and future in all its possibilities, unhampered by the wounds of past relationships. Let’s take a closer look at three domains of love.

Self love.

The love of self is not conceit; conceit can be a lack of self-love or delusion about one’s self in relation to others. I like what spiritual author Deepak Chopra says about love, because it fits into the meaning of loving and valuing one’s self and self- worth: “You know that you have fully experienced love when you turn into love.” You become love by first loving yourself.

What we often don’t realize is that no reason exists for not loving yourself. It ultimately doesn’t matter what you were told as a child by others. You can work through your past and let go of it or you can hang on to it. But on your deathbed, it will be how much you have loved yourself and others that counts.

Self-love issues account for crime, misery, poverty. No one should be without his or her own love. You are first your own best friend and your own support. You couldn’t do anything without your own love and support to back you up.

It pays to take your needs seriously. Do special things for yourself that you may have postponed until you are in a relationship. Buy yourself candy or special treats. Give yourself a bubble bath each day, go to the beach, rent classic movies, or get a massage. Get to know you and how to pamper you. Any love you experience beyond that will only be greater. You must love and care enough about yourself to begin healing your own wounds.

Then the right partner can work together with you on bringing out more of your own love, just for you.

Loving your partner.

When you have invested in you and in loving yourself more, you have that commodity to bring to a relationship. Loving your partner is ongoing. Everlasting love means continuing to demonstrate your affection and devotion from day one until the end of time. Show each other that love is the meaning of life. One young man, a college student named Bob, said to his girlfriend Anne: “You know I love you, you shouldn’t have to be told.” To the contrary, you and your partner cannot tell each other often enough how much you care for each other. It has taken Bob a few months to realize that love is about expression: saying it, showing it, acting it out. One of the best ways to communicate love is through giving
emotional and appreciative compliments.

Loving each other.

Everlasting love is a give-give relationship. And two givers have to be two receivers, also. If two “takers” enter a union, they will only drag each other down and beat each other up. And a “taker/giver” union won’t last either. It may work for a while, but eventually the giver will run dry and resent not having his or her needs met as well. But two givers going into a relationship will have unity. They know the balance of giving and receiving. Take something as simple as giving a compliment. Compliments are vital in a relationship. It can make a world of difference in your day when your partner looks at you and says: “I desire you as much as the day I met you.”

And giving is an ongoing thing. For instance, it can be just as important to give each other trinkets, for no particular reason, than it is to lavish your partner on holidays, anniversaries or birthdays. People love to be surprised, especially with little things that mean so much. One friend of mine collects unusual rocks for a garden the way some people grow flowers. She loves it when her husband brings home a crystal or mineral for her collection, especially if he takes the time to learn something about it. Most important of all, giving of your time to each other has a priceless value on it. Our allotted time on this planet is so precious.

And when that time runs out and we are ready to move on to the next dimension, it is the memories we have created here on earth that we will be thinking about. It is never too late to begin creating more loving memories with the people we care most about. At the end
of your life, you won’t be thinking about your bank account, the stock market, or business competition. But you will want to hold loving relationships and their memories close to you.

“Should I Have a Threesome?”

By

Tatyannah King

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September 21, 2021

Question of the day:

Hi Taty! Here’s my question. My boyfriend and I have a fantasy about having a threesome, but I worry that if we really did it, it might create jealousy, or even break up our relationship. On the other hand, my boyfriend has been bugging me to do it. And, I have a girlfriend who is very keen to play with us. What should I do? Take a chance on a 3-way romance? Thanks <3

I want to start off by saying that I think it’s great that you’re open to threesomes! Sometimes they have a bad connotation, but I personally think that they could be good for anyone who enjoys sexual novelty. And you’re not alone in being curious about it. Sex researcher Dr. Justin Lehmiller surveyed 4,175 Americans from all 50 states about their sexual fantasies for his book Tell Me What You Want and discovered that “having a threesome” was the most popular sexual fantasy among participants.

As for you and your boyfriend, be upfront about your expectations because what you want out of a threesome may not be what your boyfriend expects out of it.

Consider the dynamic of this sexual fantasy by answering the following questions:

Do you want to be the center of attention during the threesome?
Should all people be equally as involved or are there some acts that are off-limits between your boyfriend and your friend?
How well does your boyfriend know your friend? Would it be ideal for all of you to hang out together in a casual setting first before the clothes come off or do you prefer to keep things more transactional?
Are you all comfortable with having a conversation about your STI status and feelings concerning the use of barrier methods during the threesome?
What about after-care? Let’s play devil’s advocate for a second and assume that you will get jealous. How would you want your boyfriend to cater to your needs emotionally afterward? How would you want your friend to respond?

Another thing to consider is testing the waters before actually going for it completely. I personally used to be reluctant about threesomes and group sex until I accidentally went to an orgy party after the AVN expo this year. Though I didn’t participate, being enthralled by all that sexual energy in the room was an unforgettable experience and changed my past negative outlook on threesomes and group sex into a positive one.

Ultimately, I think a threesome is worth exploring as long as you’ve given it enough thought and you’re 100% sure it’s what you want to do.

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Got a Question? Ask Me Anything Anonymously Below in the Comments!
[askmeanythingpeople]

Fingering Toward Orgasm

By

Debra Shade

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September 19, 2021

How Can Fingering Help Vulva Owners Reach Orgasm?

Let’s talk about an orgasm brought on by vaginal stimulation with fingers. This can result in intense and/or multiple orgasm, and for some, ejaculation. The best method to please a vulva born individual is to experiment with finger manipulation. Up to 75% of vulva owners state that they do not orgasm from penetration alone. This means, that figuring out how to use your fingers to provide a mind-blowing vaginal orgasm is a must.

Fingering the G-spot

The best part about fingering though, is the direct contact made with the G-spot. Which by the way is not a “spot” or “button”, it’s an area at the top frontal wall of the vagina. This area happens to rest between the clitoral legs (inside the vagina) and is super sensitive. It is only 2-3 inches deep, which means that your penetration needs to be very shallow.

If you are masturbating and feel the pleasures of stimulating the Gspot but are not achieving ejaculation, you may be a little too far inside and are missing the spot entirely. Manual stimulation directly on this area will increase your chances of ejaculating.

Different Types of Finger Stimulation or Fingering:

The benefits of using your fingers is that you can curl them. There are three very popular finger movements that can bring on the thunder.

fingering sex — Image by Demie Hadji from Pixabay

The Two-Fingered Salute: Keeping your pointer and middle finger together and keeping them flat, use the padding of the finger tips to stroke with. Move forward and backward and side to side over the area. Use light to medium pressure depending on the person.

Come Hither: When your mate gets really aroused and is displaying all the signs of needing more stimulation switch to the second finger movement; the “come hither”. Curl your fingers toward you as if you are telling someone to come to you. Do so with a little more pressure and work your speed up with your mates breathing and body movements. Do not stop what you are doing until they orgasm, which may include ejaculate.

Spidey Fingers: What are spidey (or spiderman) fingers? This is the act of positioning your hand to look like spiderman when he is shooting his webs. The two middle fingers go into the vagina, with the two end fingers sticking out. The thumb can also be used to stimulate the clitoris in this position.

How to Finger the Vagina

So, insert your lubed fingers into the vagina slow and carefully. Many individuals cannot have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation so be sure to include that once you have them fully aroused. Also be mindful that some folks find that clit stimulation is too intense. If this is the case, lick and suck over the clitoral hood to create a “buffer” from direct stimulation. You can use your thumb or your mouth to tease and maneuver the clit. Once your fingers are in, explore. Stroke the sides of the wall. The roof and the deep spot are very sensitive.

What is the Deep Spot?

Deep inside the vagina is an area know as the A spot (anterior fornix) which you can stroke with your fingers to bring about an orgasm. This can be an intense, all over body orgasm if one allows themselves to relax into the sensations. Right below the Aspot you can find the cervix. It is firm to the touch so be careful not to jam it. However, some vulva owners enjoying having their cervix stimulated. Be sure to use lots of lube for cervical play.

The last area I want to mention is the deep spot. I like to call it the cul-de-sac because you can only go so far with your fingers. That area that is as far and deep in the vagina that you can go to bring on an orgasm. It is also known to cause ejaculate as well.

Manipulating the cul-de-sac should be with medium pressure that you can increase as you press down deeper. You are also manipulating the anal wall from the inside, which increases pleasure. It is not a position where you will be able to do the come-hither motion. Bouncing is more appropriate (stroke up and down quickly), staying close to the back wall for the full effect. Again, don’t stop until the orgasm is over.

Many Types of Fingering Orgasms

The cool thing about fingering is that you have a lot of control over what sort of orgasm you can provide. If you want a more intimate, love making experience, do it slow and steady. The intensity of your finger motion should be determined by the receiver. Never behave aggressive unless asked to do so. Be intentional with where you place your fingers and how much pressure you use when touching the vagina. Be sure to keep your knuckles as flat as possible so that you are not bruising the soft tissue of the vulva.

Body Language Baby

Let’s say you are with someone who is not too verbal in expressing their needs, recognizing some common body language can guide you both to their orgasm.

Any sort of flinching means; stop whatever you are doing. Don’t think it will fix itself on the next stroke, stop, readjust and then move forward. However, if a person scoots closer to you, causing your fingers to go deeper, arches their back, moans/groans, or squirms they want you to continue whatever it is that your doing or even increase the intensity. Now is a great time to play with the amount of pressure you use. Try different speeds and depths. Talk to your mate and find out what works best for them and then sit back and watch the fireworks.

#Keepitsexy #Yourresponsibleforyourownorgasm

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Hello! My name is Debra Shade. Clinical Sexologist and Master Sexpert. I specialize in orgasms. As an orgasm coach, I help individuals and couples to overcome barriers to their best sexual experience. It’s fulfilling work. I also travel the US presenting or teaching at expos, seminars, conferences and festivals. I am excited to have this opportunity to write about something that I absolutely love, my new column: Orgasm Tips by D Shade. I want you to know that there are many methods to an orgasm. Having a few in your toolbox will be very beneficial to you and your mate(s). I want to use my column to give you tips, advice and facts about orgasms that will help you achieve your best sexual experience.

The Gender Code: Gender & Sexuality Documentary by Luka

By

Domina Doll

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September 19, 2021

The Gender Code: A New Documentary On Gender On Youtube

The Gender Code is a new documentary on gender and sexuality by filmmaker and artist, Luka. Luka is a 29 year old trans activist and visionary from Ireland, who identifies as gender feminine, and who has spent the past 6 years creating this documentary that examines gender and sexuality in a different way than what is culturally defined in today’s society. Luka created the film: writing, directing, animating, producing and appearing in it; which is an amazing accomplishment for one person, to create a film almost 2 hours long that is so professionally produced, visually and intellectually compelling.

The film is very beautifully animated and artistic, which makes it a pleasure to watch. But, more importantly is the subject matter it explores, from the POV of trans, feminine, non-binary and gender-fluid people. There are many interviews, historical news footage covering the GLBTQ+ history and movements, as well as some disturbing flashes of trans-phobia and gender violence. Yet, the ending is very powerful, and visualizes a hopeful new paradigm of gender fluidity beyond what we recognize in today’s culture that is inclusive, and embraces both our inner and outer masculine and feminine qualities on a dynamic spectrum that humanity can embrace.

“There is an expanding culture of people emerging, who for the first time in history are starting to have the resources to explore their identities (transgender, fluid, non- binary, etc.) Effectively and more recently, a huge number of men are exploring their attraction to us. The reality is we have very limited language, education or precedents to understand or navigate people’s identities and preferences.

The Gender Code is a documentary animated and created by me over a period of years, that looks at the bigger picture of gender and sexuality through my understanding and observations.”–Luka, filmmaker: The Gender Code

Watch the Entire Film

The Gender Code is divided into 7 parts:

Introduction: 00:00 (General introduction on the film and my experiences)
“Our Present” 7:33 (How we view gender and sexuality today)
“Our Past” ” 13:40 ( 20th century queer history up-to today)
“Gender and Sexuality” 32:23 (An introduction to the diversity of gender and sexuality)
“Change” : 56:04 (Answers and the science behind the reasons for misunderstanding)
“The Spectrum” : 1:16:57 (An in depth conclusion and breakdown with interviews with the cast)
“The Future” : 1:45:07 (A look at the powerful possibilities of the future)

Our Language for Exploring Gender is Limited

“The reality is we have very limited language, education or precedents to understand or navigate people’s identities and preferences. Everyday I check my mail or my Grindr account receiving a shocking amount of messages from men who say they are discovering trans girls / feminine males, and they can’t openly acknowledge this. A lot of times this shame turns to them sexually objectifying us. This invisibility, and lack of education is extremely painful and urgent. I will do anything to get my message out there. It is my dream to start a conversation and bring education to the invisible.”

We Are at the Start of a Revolution

“I really believe that all human beings have the ability to love someone of the same sex, and that gender can take many forms. Humanity is more of a spectrum, rather than gay or straight. We’ve been divided by an illusion of “Gay and Straight” and there is a lot of lost potential. Our current language is outdated and was written a long time ago by people who may not have had the reality of everyone in mind. People are crying out for a regeneration of thinking. I really feel we are at the very early stages of a revolution.”

The Gender Code Takes a Fresh Look at Gender Diversity

“Looking at our past, present and our future, The Gender Code acts as a map to help navigate this emerging reality. It’s an intensely researched, non biased, guide of the bigger picture of gender and sexuality through my experiences and observations. I would like to think it takes a fresh unique look at the entire reality of what we know as LGBTQ and brings things into a 21st century perspective, departing from traditional oppressive thinking and effectively expanding everyone’s potential.”

“Through my observations and research (and intense it was!) I’ve come to the conclusion that most of societies ideas, customs and rhetoric are passed down from an outdated and superstitious space, lacking scientific and feminine or (yang) consciousness.”

“I found many hypocritical and unfair realities and entities that I wanted to bring into the light, the main one being that the theory of sexuality and gender, is, in my research and understanding actually, a 20th century myth based on feminine and masculine polarity within the left and right cerebral hemispheres of the brain.”–From an interview with Luka at GCN News.

Gender Dysphoria or Cultural Dysphoria?

“I’m Luka, I’m the person in the video, I’m 28 years old, I am gender feminine, (meaning my gender feelings and expressions are on the more feminine side of the spectrum. My biological sex is male and I am proud and ok with that. I don’t feel I have dysphoria with my genitals, rather I have dysphoria with society’s outdated customs and expectations of what / how and who people should all dress behave and love, based on our biological sex. (whether we have an innie or an outie, should not define our life paths!)”

All images and quite by Luka, creator of The Gender Code.

Video- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zph7H-O0d5w

Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/lukakeating/

About the Film- https://filmfreeway.com/TheGenderCode

How to Please Him in the Bedroom & Everywhere Else

By

Dr. Ava Cadell

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September 18, 2021

pexels-matheus-bertelli-799420 — Photo by Matheus Bertelli from Pexels

What Men Want in Bed!

Pleasing your man sexually may cause him to redirect his energies to you and your
relationship. If you want to get started pleasing him… try these hot ideas to please him in the bedroom and beyond!

Share your fantasies with him and role-play together
Do a striptease for him when he least expects it
Talk erotically to your man during lovemaking
Have at least one quickie a week
Make love in different places
Give him a sexual massage
Lavish him with oral sex

Here are the top 12 qualities men want in their partner. How many do you have?

1. Men want women who say what they want
2. Women who will initiate sex
3. Women who are uninhibited
4. Women who wear sexy lingerie
5. Women who are responsive
6. Women who enjoy erotic talk
7. Women who like to role-play
8. Women who want quickies
9. Adventuresome women
10. Confident women

How would you like to have a man in your life that is going somewhere – but always
comes back home to you? How would you like to have a man that is devoted to your
relationship? That you can trust? That you believe in and is there for you in every way?
Men are both physical and emotional creatures but women tend to focus on the
emotional side more. If you can give your man the balance of both sides, he’s going to
be much more willing to forget about other opportunities. Why stray if he already has the
woman of his dreams? While no healthy relationship is all about the physical or the
emotional, you want to bring a healthy dose of both.

Here is how to become the sexy woman of your man’s dreams.

Whispering Sweet Nothings

Most men will become turned on if you whisper some off-color suggestions to them. Tell
your man what you want to do to him and what you want him to do to you in graphic
detail. Experiment and find out which of these are effective on your man, then employ
them at strategic moments to capture his heart, and all organs south of there. Men’s
brains share the same area for sexual pleasures and visual stimulation (which is why
Viagra makes some men “see blue” as a side effect).

That means if you use words that create visual pictures, you’ll be more likely to arouse
him. The fastest way to a man’s heart isn’t through his favorite organ, but rather through
his second most important organ, his head. And you can reach that by whispering a
suggestive picture of what you’d like to be doing with him.

Words aren’t the only verbal skills you can employ to snare a man’s attention. Using
sounds instead of talk can work (and what man doesn’t become aroused at a tape
recorded sound of a woman reaching a climax and moaning “yes, yes, yes!”) Start by
exaggerating the sounds that you already make like moaning, panting and growling.
These can all be signs that you’re having a great time between the sheets (or can be
employed as a “turn on” tape you record and place in your man’s car for him to hear on
the way home from work).

Give Him a Sensual Massage

This is one of the most precious, memorable and erotic gifts you can give your man. All
it takes is a little time, creativity and for you to get into a sexpot mood. The difference
between a standard massage and a sexual massage is, of course, that the purpose of a
sexual massage is to arouse. Hands on the lower back, fingertips across a bare nipple,
mouth on the curve of a knee, fingernails through your lover’s scalp, hair tickling his lips-
-your entire body should be used to massage and stimulate your lover from head to toe.
So, imagine you’ve got your room set up. And, you’ve paid attention to setting the
mood—including lights and music—remember to keep all the senses in mind. You’ve
also chosen a comfortable location, right? Now, tell him to lie naked on his stomach.
With sensual massage, what the giver wears is important as well. Wear something
sexy, seductive, and alluring. The giver should stimulate her partner with a variety of
strokes. Use your tongue—be creative! Try placing your entire body gently on top of
your lover’s. Move up and down and side to side—move slowly and erotically. Create
sexual anticipation by stimulating several areas at the same time.

Don’t stimulate any one area for too long. But, be sure to come back to the areas that
arouse your partner the most. The giver can and should experiment! But, the receiver
should be encouraged to give lots of feedback. For example, “Mmm, I love when you
massage me with your breasts. Please do that some more.” Or, “Feeling your body rub
up and down mine is really turning me on, but be careful not to put too much weight on
me.” It’s also erotic to talk about the experience afterwards. It will help you perfect your
massage technique, so that you can learn to give your lover the best massage of his
life! Remember to massage for the pleasure of the receiver. Massage is all about
giving the most pleasure to your partner that you possibly can. It is a wonderful way to
express your self non-verbally.

Mutual Masturbation

While you’re talking erotically to each other and fanning the flame, one-at-a-time, or
together, begin to masturbate so your partner can see how you give yourself pleasure.
Perhaps the idea of doing this gives you displeasure. I understand, and I will share
some extra details for those of you who might be uncomfortable masturbating in front of
their lover, or who might have reservations regarding masturbation at all, since
masturbation has had a bad rap.

There are few examples of human sexuality that crystallize the hysteria and change in
general sexual attitudes as the subject of masturbation. Perhaps because it was
perceived as being the initial mechanism for sexual gratification, it drew outlandishly
morbid attention, and produced centuries of unnecessary misery and anxiety in adults
as well as children, especially where anti-masturbatory teachings have been imposed.
Masturbating is not only normal, it is perfectly normal. So roll up your sleeves and get
used to the idea of masturbating, and even masturbating in front of your lover. It’s okay.
It’s more than okay. It is wholesome and can be an educational way to both turn you
and your lover on.

He may be as uncomfortable as you are at first, maybe more so. So take time with this.
Discuss it, and then move toward short sessions that end with your usual sexual
activities. Little by little you can extend the periods of mutual masturbation and in the
process really let your lover know about your sexuality by touching and caressing
yourself and thereby demonstrating what works to turn you on and satisfy you.

Likewise, masturbating can be an important way for you to discover what really works to
help you reach a climax, what turns you on, and what doesn’t work. Take some time to
explore your body. If you don’t know what pleases you, then how can you communicate
your desires to your partner? If you don’t love your body, then your partner will not be
able to love your body either.

Masturbation, without guilt, offers a way to become relaxed and comfortable with your
own body. It offers a way to gain better self-esteem, give better communication with
your lover, and a path toward greater sexual satisfaction.

Born This Way? Are People Born Gay?

By

Miss Colleen

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September 17, 2021

I read this very interesting book called, “Not Gay Sex Between Straight White Men”. It is written by Jane Ward and she researches the sexual fluidity of straight identifying white men.

Anyways, the discussion of is someone born gay comes up often. Ward gets into the argument that yes, people are born gay and she explains this viewpoint with a political lense. It all makes sense. If someone is born gay and does not choose to be gay, you can’t convert someone to be straight or in other words “cure” homosexuality, just like you can not cure being black or Asian. It’s just who you are. Personally I have a hard time believing you are born to be the sexual identity you are.

I am speaking from my own personal experience about my bisexual identity. This is my opinion. I have no scientific research or data to back my opinion.

Now that we got the disclaimer out of the way, I discovered my capability to have sexual attraction when I was 12 years old. I remember the moment vividly. I get embarrassed thinking about it but I discovered that my cock was used for more than just peeing when I was dry humping a pillow. As a kid it just felt really good! When I came I was super nervous. I was like, “fuck, I pissed the bed. My parents are going to kill me!”

But it was just cum. I was blown away.

As time progressed and I began watching porn my sexual interests were in penetrative vaginal sex between a woman and a man. It’s what aroused me; it was what I was into. I do not recall my first exposure to homosexuality, but I do recall seeing transwomen and transvestite porn. I did not think much of it and what it meant to my sexuality. I honestly thought it was just hot sex between a man and a woman, a woman that just happens to have a cock. It was hot! I did not think of it being gay or straight. I was just turned on by penetrative sex regardless if it was vaginal, anal, between opposite sexes, same sexes or trans people.

By the time I turned 20 I found my sexual attraction to men. I was turned on by being penetrated, giving oral sex to men. Most of my sexual attractions were purely sexual. I was very much still romantically attracted to women. Still to this day I am primarily romantically attracted to women, although I have become more open minded to being romantically attracted to men.

But was I born this way? I do not think so.

My life experiences and exposure to what is out on the internet has lead me to my bisexual identity. My first non-heternormative attraction wasn’t until I was 16. I do not have an issue with those claiming they were born gay or born queer. People are totally valid feeling that way. I just do not believe everyone is born with a predetermined sexual orientation and gender identity.

For me I self-discovered I was bisexual and gender-fluid.

How to Move From Dating to Intimacy

By

Dr. Ava Cadell

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September 16, 2021

pexels-bethany-ferr-5184218 — Photo by Bethany Ferr from Pexels

What is Intimacy?

Look at the word phonetically in-to-me-see.

Intimacy is NOT about wild rapid passion – it’s more like an insatiable slow burning
passion. Intimacy is about expressing your true feelings, not just what you think is
sexy to your partner. Touching each other on non-sexual areas is intimate. Intimacy
is about not being critical of your partner. Intimacy is not about conquest, it is about
being present and it is about giving pleasure not just receiving it. Intimacy is about
enjoying the journey as much as the destination.

Men need to respect a woman’s body in order to become intimate with her. A
woman’s body is a “temple” and we all came from that temple. Ask any man how he
would like other men to treat a woman close to him such as his mother, sister or
daughter. The answer will be “with respect.”

For a woman intimacy is better than sex because she can surrender herself to her
man and feel ultimate pleasure and satisfaction without guilt and shame. It is the
supreme expression of femininity and it allows her to feel safe so that she can open
up and blossom sexually. For a man intimacy is better than sex because it can
prolong and heighten the sexual energy he gets from his regular seven-second
orgasm.

For most men the definition of sex is usually a blowjob followed by sexual
intercourse that will hopefully result in the big O. But male sexual empowerment
comes from training each part of his body to feel sexual energy.

Intimacy is not just sex, but incorporates trust, comfort, safety, surrender, respect
and opens communication. The sexiest thing for a woman is when her man is fully
focused and present with her when he is making love to her. Both partners must
have a clear intention of fullness in the moment rather than being goal oriented.

Most people don’t touch each other without some kind of agenda. Women complain
to me that even when their man hugs them, he cops a feel of her breasts or butt. It’s
a natural evolution that we should find a deeper level of enjoyment and by moving
from sex to intimacy we can accomplish that. You don’t have to give up your regular sexual practices, you can add to your sexual repertoire by practicing the art of
intimacy.

To experience emotional intimacy you must first surrender to yourself so that you
feel complete, then surrender to each other to compliment each other’s souls. Men
have been taught to repress their feelings and not show any vulnerability. But you
cannot experience intimacy without letting down your defenses and opening up your
heart.

Intimacy is the plateau of sex that every couple strives for but must go through all
the other steps before they can achieve it successfully. The left and right brain are in
harmony sexually for both sexes. At this point you are both on another plane of
sexuality physically, emotionally and spiritually. Yin and Yang is one and you are
capable of feeling the opposite qualities of your partner.

We ultimately strive for our emotional doorway to open through all of our senses
where both are present and available emotionally to one another. You are honoring
yourself, surrendering and connecting with your soul mate. There is a psychic
intuitive connection.

Here are three steps to move from dating to intimacy.

Step 1: Share your feelings about each other with each other to create an emotional
bond.

Step 2: Focus on your partner’s needs, wants and desires and put them before your
own.

Step 3: Make a commitment to each other, whether it’s being monogamous, having
a relationship agreement or getting married this commitment is the ultimate act of
intimacy.

Saying “NEXT”: When Fired From A Sex Writing Job…

By

Ralph Greco

-

September 16, 2021

nature-2569232_640 — Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

Saying “NEXT”: When Fired From A Sex Writing Job, When Losing Your Fuck-Buddy, To Life In General

I lost a job today (well, by the time you read this, a few weeks may have gone by). I feel kinda shitty about it; I have to be honest. As much because I always need the work as the fact that I now, once again, doubt my abilities. There are a whole host of reasons why I failed to make a connection with this client, an adult toy site, and I can rationalize all I like. My contact, who has been aces with me all along, took lots of the blame herself, claiming miscommunication and her bosses not really laying out what they needed from the get-go, so she, in turn, couldn’t relate those exact needs to me. Still, I feel kinda icky.

But I know I need just to say “NEXT.”

This might just be the hardest lesson we come to as freelancers, and I don’t mean only freelance sex writers; this “NEXT” rule we could probably all learn to hone to a fine edge. By all means, I am not saying not to reflect on why something didn’t work out, not learn from mistakes you made, not to delve back into the well and consider your skills, but if you are not able to at least whisper a ‘next’ and flow past the rejection, you might just get too weighed down by that rejection.

Which I feel myself indeed slipping into even now as I write this. But writing, as it usually does for me, is therapeutic and helps me to work this all out.

The good thing about moving forward is… you move forward. You set yourself in motion for something coming down the pike you can’t even predict. I’m not saying it will be better or worse if and when you find some other guy or girl to take the place of the fuck-buddy who no longer wants you, when you find another job beyond that employer who has fired you, that you will come to love the game anew when your chess club revokes your yearly membership. I’m just saying that if you’re able to say “NEXT” at those instances when you are rejected for whatever reason, you will be ready to snatch, grab and maybe even make a more robust pass at whatever is coming.

And something is always coming.

Another powerful aspect of the “NEXT” and certainly something I am feeling mostly here, even stronger than the rejection, is that I am no longer fence-sitting. In the two weeks, I was surfing the logistics of my new working assignment, had delivered and been paid for the work, I had an uneasy feeling that things were not so hunky-dory. You know how you can sense these things, right? Even in the face of my contact telling me she liked my work, I felt unease as the weeks passed with how long it was taking for the powers-that-be to get back to me when, in the first week, the work was coming fast and furious, and my contact was riding me a bit to get things done. I might no longer have the job, but I am no longer working this worry, this fence-sitting of “Is everything ok, or is it not?” that I seem to have been right on the money about.

I also made sure to thank my contact, assure her that she and I are all good (which we are), and to tell her that, if things change, if they want to give me another chance, I am here for further consideration. And I am. I don’t hold grudges or look to spank someone later (well, maybe in my bedroom play, but that’s another story). I know you can’t un-ring a bell, and I would say it’s a 99% certainty that I won’t hear back from her about another job or further work from her higher-ups, but I am indeed always open to have the discussion of working for anyone at any time. And, as I have mentioned one more than once in this sex writing column and plenty on my podcast Licking Non-Vanilla with M. Christian (a shameless plug I know, but as Chris writes stuff here, I figure why not?), you should never burn a bridge. I do indeed like the contact from this job that just fired me, I certainly want to keep in touch with her and don’t want her to feel bad about the news she had to deliver to me today. But who knows where she will go, if indeed other opportunities at her company will open up for me with her (again doubtful), if she might go someplace else where she might need me?

So, here I am today, feeling a little dejected but ok. I had to pen a new column, so here it is, and I thought maybe the lesson of saying “NEXT” was a good one to impart to you my struggling or maybe even entirely happy erotica writer.

“NEXT.”

Should You Take That Writing Gig? Five Red Flags Your Potential Employer Might Wave

By

Ralph Greco

-

September 15, 2021

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Part of the freelance writer life, at least mine, un-agented as I am and writing across lots of formats and genres (it’s not all just chocolate sauce dripping on robots’ nipples with me), is to consistently look for writing jobs. There seems to be a bunch of them out there. But don’t be fooled; quite frankly, a lot are right shite. Too many supposedly “legitimate” employers are looking to rip a writer off and still many more, have no clear idea what they want and what a fair price is for the scribbling we do.

How then does one cut the fat from the meat, sanely vet these jobs, keep from falling into the trap of spending time, energy, and sometimes even money on a job that is not going to pan out?

Here are five red flags to be on the lookout for when searching through those writing jobs.

1.) You see the same ad over and over.

While Craig’s List is the lowest common denominator for most things, and I think I find maybe 1 job out 20 there that I send resumes out for, it is a place I do check on occasion. But if I see the same ad for freelance writing needed from the same poster frequently (or every day as I do this one ad) there might a reason why this position isn’t ever filled. No, it’s not because the employer has a ton of work! Beware.

2.) They ask for specific samples.

This is not an absolute red flag, but I have come across enough would-be employers out there asking for ‘samples’ from writers they are considering. What always prompts my suspicion here is that it would be all too easy to cull a bunch of samples for writers hungry for work (which most of us writers always are) amass a bunch of free pieces, then never have to pay anybody.

3.) The payment is unspecified or “contingent upon.”

Sorry, but there are tons more net businesses and those ‘going-to-be-the-next-big-thing’ ideas than are those that are genuinely successful. Waiting for your pay contingent upon how much or well a site sells views, downloads, etc. or not ever given a set price per work (or however else the employer wants to set up your pay scale) are sure signs this might not be the employer you want to deal with.

4.) They take forever getting back to you.

In this day and age, as I have mentioned before, there is no reason not to get back to someone in a timely manner… that is, if getting back to them in a timely manner matters to you. If it does not matter to your possible employer than it shouldn’t matter so much that you work for them.

5.) Even if they do get back to you in a timely matter, you don’t know what the hell they are talking about.

This is no small point and something I have encountered more than once. From my experience, there is usually nothing malicious here, and the employer isn’t trying to be obtuse, it’s just that I come to a communication loggerhead with them. Even if two people want to work together and a good amount of the preliminary is worked out, there are just those times that even the most reasoned and well-intentioned employer and employee can’t seem to understand what the other wants. As I say, I have been in this pickle a few times, my writing just doesn’t hit the mark they were hoping for, even after I have been paid, or I just can’t seem to hit on the vision the employer wants, despite how much we come to talk about the work.

In Conclusion:

Granted the above are only five points you need to watch out for when looking for a job. The money might be great, the potential employee the nicest person you have ever spoken to, but for the reasons above and many more, there are times you’d be well cautioned to take a job. Yes, I know you want to work, I know the writing jobs are few and far between. But not all jobs are for all people or are even worth pursuing at all.

If He’s Said I Do, Here’s How to Say I Don’t: The Feminist Sexpert Guide to Rejecting Married Men

By

Megan Hussey

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September 14, 2021

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The Feminist Sexpert actively dislikes playing the drinking game Never Have I Ever, because–well–I never get to drink! I’ve pretty much tried everything on the sexual spectrum, and (as my icon Mae West phrases it) “Twice if it feels good!” But the one thing I’ve never done–and that I never plan to do–is have an affair with a married man.

Why? Well, I attribute this decision to a mixture of both modern and traditional values. Modern in the sense that–well–I’m the Feminist Sexpert damn it, and I refuse to break the Girl Code by dallying with somebody else’s man. Traditional in the sense that, the times that I’ve attended weddings, I take the ‘forsaking all others’ bit pretty darned seriously.

But, some might ask: What if he’s in an open marriage? Nope. What if he isn’t legally married but is in a serious relationship? Nope. What if he’s really, really hot? Sigh, it physically wounds me to say this, but….No. Look, I’ve even surrendered crushes on favorite male models and adult actors once I found out they were hitched or seriously committed.

Is it always easy? No. I’ve turned down some major league hotties, with my clit and pussy screaming–no, make that wailing–a chorus of protest every step of the way–but at the end of the day, my heart and my mind stay good.

To any sisterfriends out there who have trouble resisting the charms of bewedded baes, here are a few tips that might help:

1. Get to know their spouses and families. If this isn’t possible, at least locate photos of them on social media. Once you see that smiling sisterfriend or that adorable kid, you wouldn’t dream of doing ’em dirty.

2. If you have to interact with Tommy Tempter at work or in a social group, be sure not ‘go to the barbecue hungry,’ if you catch my meaning. If you have a partner yourself, work with him/her/they to heat things up in the bedroom so that you don’t leave home unsatisfied. If you are happily self-partnered like myself, hit up your friends with bens, hire a male companion (my favorite remedy for just about any sexual issue–ride ’em Cowgirl!), attend a male strip show, buy a new toy and some porn, etc.

3. Avoid developing deep, close friendships with married men–unless they’re married to other men and are not tempted by female you, or bear such a strong likeness to Quasimodo on Quaaludes that you’re not even remotely tempted. A fun friendship date that seems like just a lunch or just a movie could become more. Restrict social messaging to work-related topics or quick hi/byes.

4. Seek some artistic inspiration. See the Jill Clayburgh classic “An Unmarried Woman” to see the story of a woman who bravely survives her husband’s betrayal and abandonment. Or listen to the classic Shirley Murdock song “Husband.” The powerful lyrics include:

“My desire for you is strong, but I won’t do wrong. You’re that lady’s husband…

My decency prevails… Well I’m a lady with class and I know my desire will pass…

This cannot [be] because you are her husband.”

5. Think about what it would be like if the high heel was on the other foot. Imagine the pain and anger of finding out that the man of your heart was breaking yours–with the help of another woman.

6. Don’t believe his bunk. Of course he’s going to tell you his wife is so darned evil, she makes Maleficent look like Doris Day. What is he going to say? “My wife is a sweet, wonderful woman, which I’m sure will make you feel just wonderful about helping me betray her?” If she is indeed such an awful person, he needs to divorce her. But if his come on starts with the line, “My wife doesn’t understand me,” then the ultimate cool reply is, “Then the poor dear and I have something in common. Think I’ll call her up, and we’ll do coffee.”