Sensation Play: The Eye of the Beholder

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September 10, 2021

pexels-cottonbro-5932722 — Photo by cottonbro @Pexels

In Your Eyes: Love at First Sight

There’s an incredibly visceral connection between touch and sight. When we see something we like, we are drawn to feel it. I compare vision to pop music. It’s colorful, bright, emotional, and universal.

Humans are highly visual animals and there’s nothing quite like the feelings generated by the things we see. What can compare to a glorious sunset, the extraordinary sight of a long lost friend, or the first time you see your new lover smile?

And who isn’t familiar with the phrase “love at first sight”? This romantic concept has inspired countless songs, poems, movies and embarrassing text messages and Facebook posts.

The phenomenon may actually have a basis in science. The findings of several studies
have shown that more men have proven to believe in the concept of love at first sight than women. This is largely because men respond to physical attributes more quickly than women and women also take longer to settle into a feeling of trust.

Considered to be the most complex sense, vision is an intricate process of data being transferred from the optical nerves to the various parts of the brain responsible for naming things, remembering faces and places, and the emotional reactions to what is being seen. The brain combines the messages from both eyes in order to create a single three-dimensional image. To complicate things further, the image received on the retina is upside down due to the focusing action of the lens and the brain has to flip the image to provide the right-side-up view.

Sight is such an integral part of the human experience that nearly 50% of the brain’s sensory resources are dedicated to vision, according to Dr. John Medina, developmental molecular biologist and best- selling author of Brain Rules. That means that vision alone uses as much of the brain as all the other senses combined.

In a relationship, it’s important to make a concerted effort to not just look, but to see. This is especially important for those in long-term relationships. The longer we spend with people, the more easily we forget to pay attention to the details. It is quite possible to become unaware of something one sees every day. That’s one of the great capacities of the brain.

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” – Henry David Thoreau

Can you easily move through your home in the dark because you know where everything is without needing to constantly see it? The same thing can happen with the people around us. We forget to look at them because we know what they look like but, in reality,
the image we have in our head is purely a memory unless we take the time to fully focus and look. This phenomenon explains why a haircut, weight loss, or a new shirt might be missed. Even though we are side by side, unless we turn to really look, the person we see in our peripheral vision is only the “photograph” we have from the last time we paid attention.

NEURO-CISE: VISUAL, DUO

Romance and love are richly enhanced by the sense of sight. If you invest time, energy and focus into the visual aspects of your relationship, you will absolutely create a stronger bond.

Some easy ways to do this include:

♥ Send your partner an email or text message photo of your smiling face.

♥ Wear a small surprise that you can secretly reveal in public, like a temporary tattoo of your partner’s nickname. It doesn’t have to be naughty, just meaningful.

♥ Undress for your partner, slowly and seductively.

♥ Make love with a commitment to eye contact.

♥ Dim the lights or use colored fabric to drape over lampshades, candles, wear lingerie or pose in front of a mirror, tidy up your place, pretend a VIP is coming to visit, turn your bedroom into a romantic boudoir.

The importance of vision in romantic connection helps explain the popularity of romantic movies. Do you have a favorite movie that you turn to when you need to feel ‘“in the mood” or one that reminds you of the romance in the world when you’re having a blue day?

Get into character and reenact your favorite love scenes from movies.

A few notable films to check out for this are: Body Heat, A Walk On the Moon, Before Sunset, Bull Durham, Shortbus, The Pornographer, Intimacy, Brokeback Mountain, 9 1/2 Weeks, and In the Realm of the Senses.

Reenact your favorite kissing scenes from movies with your partner.

Whether it’s from Pirates of the Caribbean, Closer, Twilight, The Notebook, Mulholland Drive, or A Single Man, this could be the perfect way to create a kissing sensation that surpasses your expectations.

Pretend that you are the writer, director, and star of a hot steamy movie and your partner is your co-star. Give him or her a kissing scene to perform on you.

Hollywood may give us false hope for “happily ever after” but it also reminds us that love is a complicated, funny, challenging, scary, exciting adventure. Are you living the kind of the love that could ignite the silver screen?

Seeing What The Body Says

If you’ve heard that 55% of communication is based on non-verbal body language, 38% is all about the tone of voice and only 7% is based on actual words spoken, then you are familiar with researcher Professor Albert Mehrabian whose findings are quoted worldwide,
and have become known as the 7%-38%-55% rule. So it’s incredibly important to remain aware of eye contact, facial expressions and posture, especially during intimate discussions.

Speaking of eye contact, according to Joe Riggs, acclaimed mentalist, hypnotherapist and author, it’s actually possible to watch a person’s eyes alone as an indication of whether or not they are telling the truth. “When asking someone a direct question, a left or right eye
movement can mean the difference between the truth and a lie. Looking to the left indicates a made up answer as their eyes are showing a constructed image or sound whereas looking to the right would indicate a “remembered” voice or image, and thus would be the truth. Remember that every person is different so never base a conclusion on just one observation.”

Have you ever paid attention to the body language of other people when you have an opportunity for observation? The next time you are in a restaurant, a park or other social environment, take a moment to look at how other people are interacting. Without hearing any words, how much information can you decipher? The man with his arms crossed while his female companion speaks – is he disinterested or is he angry? The girl leaning forward with a smile as she orders coffee from the boy looking away – is she flirting and, if so, is he interested?

If you’d like to improve the way you use body language in your own life, mentally, physically and emotionally, you can simply be aware of your posture by standing up straight and boldly putting your hands on your hips in order for your brain to increase 20% testosterone and decrease 25% cortisol, according to a study by social psychologist Amy Cuddy at Harvard.

“Looking down when you’re talking to someone is a dead giveaway of insecurity.”- Sharon Sayler

NEURO-CISE: VISUAL, SOLO

♥ A smile is an open door of approval and if you keep a consistent gaze with the person you are talking to at the same time, you’ve got a sensory visual connection.

♥ Relax your shoulders and have your palms facing upwards with your fingers facing the person you are talking to, as open hand gestures signify that you are open to exchanging ideas with them.

♥ Point your feet towards the person you are interested in and see if their feet are pointed towards you, which is a good sign and means they want you to approach them.

♥ Lean in to conversations and nod when you agree with something being said, so that you both feel like you are on the same page.

♥ Don’t hold anything in front of your chest. Covering your heart creates a guarded perception.

♥ As a couple, when you both mimic each other’s moves on the dance floor or order the same drinks, you clearly are in sync mentally, physically and emotionally.

The bottom line is that if you’re not feeling confident, then fake it until you make it and turn your happy button on, as your brain won’t know the difference between what is real and what is imagined.

Understanding the Cuckold: Why You Want to See Another Guy Screw Your Woman

By

Bobby Morgan

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September 9, 2021

pexels-danielle-reese-2632670 — Photo by Karley Saagi from Pexels

Some fantasies are strange – strange in the sense that they don’t sound logical on the surface. Yet cuckolding is a very common fantasy among men.

Given that several research studies have found that men tend to be more jealous of a partner’s infidelity than women, neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam, authors of A Billion Wicked Thoughts, found that “cuckold” was the second most popular sex-related search term in their data dive of sex-related Internet search terms from heterosexual men.

Search terms don’t lie. So why is it not so strange that a man would want to see another man bang his wife or girlfriend?

One reason is tied into the hotwife fantasy. If other men find a man’s significant other sexually desirable, it satiates his ego and his pride.

A lot of guys get off at the thought or watching their partner having sex with a guy who is more endowed than him. Sometimes it’s about watching his significant other having sex from a perspective he doesn’t have from being a direct participant. It’s like bringing porn to life; his wife or girlfriend is the porn star. Also, a lot of straight, bi and closeted men find big dicks sexually enticing. It’s really not much different from the reasons why women idolize female musicians, actresses and celebrities.

For some guys, cuckoldry is a form of masochism. They revel in the thought of having a man his wife finds more desirable fuck her in a way that he never could.

“Imagine looking at the guy who’s about to go to bed with your wife. Imagine hearing the man crying out in bed with your wife,” says Dr. Paul Pines, who pleasures himself “like a madman” during his cuckold encounters. “The high point of cuckolding is when your wife says she wants the other guy all the time and never wants you. Sally’s body makes it very clear that this is true. It hurts me worse to know this, so it’s better to know. Worst/best of all is watching Sally bond with the other man not only physically but emotionally when she’s masturbating him with her mind.”

Do guys like Dr. Pines have low self-esteem? Not usually, says sex therapist, researcher and Harvard University professor Dr. Justin Lehmiller.

In a survey he conducted about fantasies (cuckoldry was the No. 6 most popular fantasy among survey participants), Dr, Lehmiller says, “This finding (also) suggests the possibility that perhaps guys need to be fairly self-confident in order to share their partners with someone else (i.e., perhaps men are only aroused by the prospect of cuckolding to the extent that they know their partner will not be stolen away).”

Dr. Pines adds that the masochistic bent on cuckoldry requires a high degree of intellect.

“(It’s) truly intellectual in its enterprise because it replaces sexual touch with humiliation and emotional pain, both of which are psychological,” Dr. Pines says. “Most of what gives me physical pleasure has to go on in my brain. I’m totally being classist, but this isn’t like people in redneck bars asking each other, ‘You wanna fuck my wife?’ It’s much more complex. It’s pleasure on a different level.”

Competition gets some guys hard, as well.

“There are so many forms of substitute competition among men in our society, such as sports, that take the place of the real competition inside a woman’s body,” says sex therapist Dr. Susan Block, who operates a phone therapy program for cuckolds to fine-tune their fantasies and strategies.

Whore: the Etymology of Misogyny

By

Jamie Valentino

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September 8, 2021

Cleopatra — Photo: 20th Century Studios / Disney

What is a Whore?

Most will agree whore is not a complimentary word. Unlike “bitch”, “slut” and “pussy”, all of which were derogatory terms historically, women have not been able to reclaim whore as a way to reduce the efficacy of it and make the word become an empowering mechanism against misogyny.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a whore as:

Whore Definition:

somewhat old-fashioned : (derogatory) a person who engages in sexual intercourse for pay: PROSTITUTE;

2 offensive: a promiscuous or immoral woman

3: a male who engages in sexual acts for money

4: a venal or unscrupulous person

In 1976, Pulitzer Prize-winning historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich penned that “Well behaved women seldom make history.” So it’s no surprise that Mary Magdalene, Cleopatra, Marilyn Monroe, all labeled whores in their own right, have remained notorious historical celebrities.

Despite newly uncovered scripture and the obvious dark skin pigmentation of an entire region, many Catholics will deny until their grave any possibility of Jesus taking Mary Magdalene as his lover but accept without a doubt that the color of his skin was white.

Likewise, although little historical evidence, her salvation from prostitution has been the preferred narrative for future male religious leaders to ratify. (Biblical Archaeology) In the Gospel of John, Jesus appears to Mary Magdalene alone after his resurrection and instructs her to warn the disciples of his return, which sounds closer to date night than penance.

The pattern of remembrance for future female figures who dare make men uncomfortable by deviating from accepted behavior, like Cleopatra and Marilyn Monroe, is manipulated from embodying their power to the grandiose rumor of promiscuity.

At the age of 18, Cleopatra controlled the entire eastern Mediterranean coast, the last great kingdom of any Egyptian ruler. Rather than being documented in history as the sole female of the ancient world to rule alone and influence Western affairs, poet Propertius set the tone of her immortality dubbing her the “Whore Queen.” (NY Times) Marilyn Monroe fell prey to this same treatment and did not survive the harassment of a culture obsessed with sex, victimized since a child by Hollywood’s vicious predatory nature.

This was finally rioted against by the “Me Too” movement, 57 years after her overdose. At the time, the public scrutinized Monroe’s breast and self-autonomy, while alleged lovers like Frank Sinatra, John F. Kennedy, and Marlon Brando received praise for their sexual conquests. (Forbes)

Marilyn Monroe posing for photographers while filming the subway grate scene in Manhattan for The Seven Year Itch.

Jesus Christ should have been more specific with those allowed the luxury of judgment: Only evangelicals with the ambition to remain virgins could cast the first stone at Mary Magdalene; Rulers without mistresses to judge Cleopatra’s promiscuity; For men who wouldn’t look up Marilyn Monroe’s dress to criticize her sex appeal.

The etymology of misogyny weaponizes labels intended to suppress female control over their bodies and sexuality. It’s a culture of toxic masculinity that doesn’t desire women to remain abstinent but subordinate.

Whore itself is a euphemism for jargon that has not survived; however, sexism and bigotry transcend not just language but geography, religion, art, and time. The word traces back to the Old English “hore,” directly signifying, “prostitute, harlot.” It boasts a portfolio of definitions from various points throughout history, and in different dialects, including “adulterer, fornicator,” and “physical filth, slime.”

Language molded the use of the word like clay. Tracing back its etymological roots, at one point, it’s origins were used as a synonym for “Christian love,” which explains how “making love” and “fucking” can refer to the same action but contrast so starkly in principle. (Dictionary.com) Whether the term is “bad” or “good” lies in the lips of the beholder.

In Leviticus 21:7, holy men are forbidden from marrying “a prostitute or a woman who has been defiled, neither shall they marry a woman divorced from her husband, for the priest is holy to his God.” In this case, whore is applied to divorcees, sex workers, and sex itself. The label has been more specific to gender than meaning.

That is, until introducing homosexuals, as seen in 1 Kings 14:24: “And there were also male cult prostitutes in the land. They did according to all the abominations of the nations that the Lord drove out before the people of Israel.” As a verb, whored means “to make a whore of; corrupt; debauch,” attributing its marginalization against lifestyles considered corrupted by sin.

Not unrelated, it’s a fascinating phenomenon that human sensory receptors interpret freezing temperatures identically to extreme heat. Likewise, the symptoms of loving and hating someone are often the same. Despite civilization emphasizing the negative connotation, whore is not that different, and exploring the origins will illustrate a contentiously thin line between priesthood and prostitution. In fact, in commemorating figures, such as “The Whore of Babylon” like gods, their power is held to the same pedestal.

The “father of history,” Greek scholar Herodotus, was one of the first classical writers to distinguish the social comparisons and contradictions between the Greek world and the Persian empire, investigating rather than merely recording.

In The Histories, the most prominent fluctuation of all is women’s treatment and their role in society. The tug-of-war between patrilineality and matrilineality is evident, like when comparing tribes of warrior women, “who must kill in battle to be allowed to marry,” to other groups who auctioned off wives like slaves. But the most controversial practice Herodotus identifies is that of “sacred prostitution” in the ancient city of Babylon.

“The most shameful of the Babylonians’ customs is this: Every local woman must sit in the sanctuary of Aphrodite once in life to “mingle” with a foreign man.” In other words, male doctrine forced women into prostitution in the name of godliness, albeit religious leaders use that same blind faith to condemn those that do it voluntarily in the present day. (Irish Times)

Prostitution is defined by engaging in sexual activity in exchange for payment. Historically, “Sacred Prostitution,” other times coined “sacred sex” or “sacred sexual rites” in cases where payment for services was not involved, depicts the practice of using intercourse as a means of satisfying religious expectations. In Babylonia, society demanded women to offer themselves in the temple of worship and succumb to sex with strangers, without the option of rejection, regardless of the amount provided as it then became sacred.

After honoring her godliness, the woman could go home, and “thereafter there is no bribe however great that will get her.” This custom applied to unwed girls’ temporary rite, but female sacred sexual priestesses (lifelong rite) were also protected. They could inherit property from their fathers, collect income from their brothers’ land, and dispose of property. These rights have been described as extraordinary, taking into account the role of women at the time. (Wiki)

Modern society not only teaches children but normalizes the oppression of women into adultery every day in schools, though they whitewash history and call it a dowry. Countless generations passed down the manipulation of language for power like folklore, but forget to mention meaning is man-made. As a phrasal verb, whore out means to “exploit (someone or something) crassly or unscrupulously for personal gain.” (AHD)

Instead of remembering women as survivors (and men as the assailant), history villainizes them for temptation. The Bible doesn’t fight against rape and sex trafficking in all its forms, but it does develop a liking for the usage of “whore” as a feminine adjective.

The Whore of Babylon refers to both a symbolic female figure and a place of evil mentioned in the Book of Revelation. In other words, your body is a temple unless it’s a vagina with a mind of its own. The most catastrophic display of misogyny in all religion lies at the very heart of Christianity, revering the Virgin Mary as the symbol of purity for immaculate conception, birthing the beginning of unrealistic expectations for women. (Good Reads)

Fast forward to the new millennium, and we’ve broken the visible chains but not the system. Just look at the public outrage inspired by Cardi B and Megan thee Stallion’s new song WAP. Two sexually liberated adult women rapping about their bodies and consensual sex, and they are immediately attacked with criticism and demonized.

Conservative pundit Ben Shapiro wrote, “My only real concern is that the women involved — who apparently require a ‘bucket and a mop’ — get the medical care they require.” Fortunately, science supports sexual pleasure. OB-GYN and public health researcher Dr. Daniel Grossman responded, “In my medical opinion, it’s normal — important even — for women to have a WAP. Vaginal lubrication is common & orgasm experience depends on the individual. We should not shame women who have WAP.” (NY Post)

While men have been bragging about making lovers “wet” since the inception of rap, once women own their bodies’ narrative, they are accused of carrying sexually transmitted diseases, a link often made with whore. Not to mention, it’s only the male vocals in the background that sing, “There’s some whores in this house.” The two singers unknowingly revoked their power and fed into the patriarchy that shames them. Cardi B probably considered it a form of irony, but the sex-positive anthem would’ve been groundbreaking with a femme vocal owning it.

Their refrain from personally claiming the title is not coincidental. While progressive women today freed themselves from the burden of caring about male judgment, it doesn’t take away the stigma gifted to girls at a young age. Pop culture immortalized the word’s connotation so much through slang that it’s made it nearly impossible for women to wield back control, such as been done with the appropriation of other words, like “bitch” and “pussy,” such as seen in Meredith Brooks – “I’m a bitch I’m a lover,” or the finesse of the legendary girl group, the Pussycat Dolls. Shakespeare alone uses “whore” over 99 times, not including all the other colorful synonyms, setting the foundation for future male poets, which today are called rappers.

Now opposed by feminists as slut-shaming, most won’t remember the first time they encountered some bastardization of the word, but every young girl feels the fear of being accused one. But what does it even mean? Is a whore a person who performs intercourse for payment, has sex before marriage or sleeps with more than five people before turning thirty? Is it your mother, your sister, your lover? Although it lacks a universal definition, there’s a widespread irrational paranoia of being accused as one. But how can you become that which does not exist? It’s like being scared to match the identity of a sexist chameleon.

The tale of Adam and Eve is simple: Two grown, naked adults bite the same forbidden apple, purposefully committing the same sin, but history blamed Eve as the temptress and, unintendedly, the commander. If men collapse helplessly to the influence of female sexuality, doesn’t that make women the figure of authority?

Whether whore can be reappropriated by this generation remains to be seen, but the action begins by empowering its categorization as a form of self-liberation. In devaluing its worth in shame, the usage will inevitably continue evolving on its own.

‘Bro’dellos: The Feminist Sexpert Explores the Concept of Brothels for Women

By

Megan Hussey

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September 7, 2021

pexels-tara-winstead-6479561 — Photo by Tara Winstead from Pexels

What’s a ‘Bro’dello?

We as women have come a long way, Baby–and, in doing so, we’ve learned so many new ways to come!

Back in the 1960s, when men got to enjoy their own nifty little sexual revolution, women basically served coffee at the event. At that time, no one could imagine the concept of male exotic dancers who catered to women, femme porn, women’s literary erotica, and male companions for women. Yet with the 1970s came the Chippendales and LaBare, with the 1980s came the release of the film American Gigolo and the arrival of a number of exotic male companions who catered to women. And throughout these decades, women’s written erotica has become a multimillion dollar industry–and, finally, the porn industry is catching up.

Yet in the world of women’s sexual liberation, we have one final frontier to conquer: the male brothel for women. Or, as the Feminist Sexpert would very much prefer to call them, brodellos!

Many people still insist that ladies are simply not interested in the concept. This despite the fact that a number of popular romances have concerned the topic of ‘houses of pleasure’ directed at women; from Kathryn Harvey’s Butterfly (1989) to Lynne Kaufman’s Slow Hands (2003) to my own Under Cover of the Night (2008)–as has a popular femme porn film, Inpulse’s Erection Services (see what they did there, Folks?).

Around 2010, some concrete plans were set into motion to at least integrate male employees into the staff rosters of legal brothels in Nevada. Yet these facilities reported low turnout among female customers, and folks jumped to the conclusion that, while they might see male companions in private, women simply weren’t interested in going out in public and seeking erotic pleasure at public facilities. Um, have these folks ever been to a male strip show? A swingers club? A showing of Magic Mike?

I believe that a legal, ethical male brothel for woman is a workable business model–one that is not without precedent. At least two of these establishments have found great success in South Africa, for example. Yet it must be done right. Read on as The Feminist Sexpert tells you how to run a safe and successful “Brodello” for Women!!

1. The Brodello Must Be an Establishment that Offers Men Only for Women Only

Many women are not going to feel safe or comfortable venturing alone into a brothel teeming with men in search of female providers. They need to step into a safe space shared with and hopefully operated by other women, staffed by a wide selection of beautiful, respectful men devoted to their pleasure.

2. The Brodello Must Be Ethically Operated.

Like any business establishment, the ‘bro’thel should be ethically and legally operated, with absolutely no abuse, human trafficking, dangerous working conditions, secret filming, or disrespect allowed.

3. The Brodello Must Be Beautiful

A classically designed home would be the best setting, designed in a feminine style and clean-lined, attractive manner. Fantasy suites would also be a plus. Want to dress up as a female gladiator or empress, while lots of inordinately handsome servants and harem dudes dance to your attendance? Go ‘head. The Feminist Sexpert won’t judge.

4. The Brodello Must Be Secure.

All staff members should undergo a complete screening prior to their hiring, to ensure that they are safe and healthy, discreet and gentle. By the same token, a staff member should always have the discretion to end an appointment if they feel unsafe or uncomfortable.

From the pages of erotic books to the frames of adult films, brothels for women have existed for years in the dark corners of the female imagination. Yet, with any and all things related to female sexuality, it’s time for the ‘brodello’ concept to see the light of night!

Sex Toys: Good for Your Sex Life and Your Health

By

Bobby Morgan

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September 6, 2021

pexels-karley-saagi-4068072 — Photo by Karley Saagi from Pexels

Sex Toys Help With Sexual Functioning & Amazing Orgasms!

Do you feel squeamish about sexually pleasuring yourself with inanimate objects? Do you think sex toys are just that – toys? A frivolous luxury? Do you think that sex toys are sinful, perverted or used for self-abuse?

It turns out that sex toys are actually good for you and your physical health. Many doctors will even suggest the use of certain sex toys for men and women who need some help with their sexual functioning.

Vibrators

Gentle vibrations stimulate the nerve endings at the surface of the skin and cause your body to increase levels of endorphins, natural chemicals that make you feel relaxed. The effect of your increased sense of well-being slows your heart rate and regulates breathing, thereby reducing stress levels. It’s a much healthier way to reduce stress and your lower heart rate than drinking alcohol or taking prescription medications like Valium.

Vibrators can be used to improve sexual function for people with medical conditions. Diabetes and multiple sclerosis can affect nerve transmission that can dull sexual sensation. People taking medications for high blood pressure and depression can also suffer side effects that limit sexual response. Women who undergo hormonal changes during menopause or suffer nerve damage after surgery sometimes find their clitorises to be less sensitive. A vibrator can be useful to increase arousal.

Strong vibrators like electric-powered wand vibrators increase blood circulation, and with it, levels of oxygen and nutrients to the tissues in the massaged area. Increasing blood flow by using a vibrator can also speed up recovery from surgeries like episiotomies and vasectomies. They also ease tense muscles that lie more deeply beneath the skin’s surface to ease muscle discomfort … you know, kind of like for the reason that “Magically” famous wand vibrator was originally intended.

Dildos

Regular sexual activity, even with a dildo, can help maintain healthy vaginal tissues, especially at the onset of, during and post-menopause. Preventing vaginal atrophy should be taken seriously. Vaginal atrophy can lead to increased vaginal infections because of changes in acid balance. Vaginal atrophy can also lead to frequency and urgency of urination, burning with urination, urinary tract infections, and incontinence.

Men with prostate disorders can use dildos or prostate massagers to drain built-up fluid.

Kegel Balls

Kegel balls are usually recommended by obstetricians and gynecologists to improve the elasticity of the vaginal muscles and to prevent urinary incontinence. You can squeeze these muscles on your own, but the balls provide additional resistance to make sure that you’re really putting effort into working those muscles.

Love Your Lubes: Sexpert’s Guide to Sexual Personal Lubricants

By

Bobby Morgan

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September 5, 2021

pexels-karolina-grabowska-4041392 — Photo by Karolina Grabowska from Pexels

Our Guide to Sexy Personal Lubricants

I have a confession.

I resisted using lube for years. I believed all those stories about women only needing lube when they got old, hit menopause, were too “dried up”, and should just hang up their sex lives. I also heard plenty of “jokes” about Astroglide and KY for anal sex, usually as an affront to straight men’s sexuality and a slam against gay and bi men. As far as male masturbation was concerned, if hand lotion was good for hands, it was also good for hand jobs.

That was up until the late 1990’s. Things and attitudes have changed since then. So have the number and types of personal lubricants on the market. Fifteen years later, I am now a lube enthusiast and believe that there’s no such thing as one all-purpose lube.

Why Lubes are Great for Women!

First of all, lube makes penetrative sex so much more enjoyable. It can take up to 20 minutes for a woman to get adequately naturally lubricated, if at all, regardless of age. Who wants to wait that long? Think of sex as being like an amusement ride and lube as what makes the motors and rails whir, spin and race. For me, a dime-size drop of lube gives me an almost instant jump start to get my own juices flowing. I wish I never held out on using lube for as long as I did. What a difference!

Lube also protects skin and internal tissues from chafing and abrasions, which can lead to soreness or infections and the vaginal pain that sometimes comes along with sex. No one wants to sit out on the sidelines because of infections and injuries. That’s so un-sexy for you and your partner.

Now that I’ve sold you on lube, here are some brief explanations of the different kinds, what they do, how they’re used, and the pros and cons. It may look like an overwhelming list of things to take in, but it will help you make informed choices.

Types of Lubes and Their Purposes

Silicone Lubes

Silicone lubes usually hold out for the entire ride from foreplay to climax. They usually stay on the surface of the skin and mucous membranes without soaking in, allowing you and/or your partner to enjoy all forms of slippery sex play without having to reapply and cut into spontaneity.

However, the benefits of silicone lubes come with deterrents for some people. They require some soap and water clean up to get them off your skin and can leave stains on fabrics if they drip. They also can damage silicone and Cyberskin sex toys.

Water-based Lubes – For Sex Toys and Anal Sex, Too

Personally, I prefer water-based lubes, and there are some quality water-based lubes that perform on par with silicone lubes. I love water-based lubes for sex and masturbating with my fingers. They usually don’t require immediate cleanup, if any at all, on skin and don’t stain fabrics.

Water-based lubes are my default lubes for sex toys since silicone lubes run the risk of deteriorating silicone skins on sex toys. There are several water-based sex toy lubes that have a gel-like consistency so that they stay on the toy and won’t drip all over the place. They’re great for sex and masturbation as well since the extra glycerin gives them extra gliding power.

There are also a lot of water-based anal lubes, which are formulated very similarly as sex toy lubes, as well. Gel consistency anal lubes give a nice cush to the push in the tush.

I can’t stress enough that lube is mandatory for anal sex and anal sex toy play. The rectum has no natural lubricant and can be prone to abrasions that could get easily infected or be an open invitation for sexually transmitted infections to run rampant.

But water-based lubes aren’t without their drawbacks. Most water-based lubes require reapplication, which can be distracting in the middle of sex or masturbation. Some can be really watery, runny and drip all over the place.

Oil-Based and Moisturizing Lubes

For women who have issues with vaginal dryness or dry skin, there are some water-based cream and lotion-textured lubes as well as oil-based lubes. While I know some people are wild about oil-based lubes, especially coconut oil, I find that there are too many drawbacks.

1. Oils are messy. They rub off on sheets and clothing. If you spill oil straight onto fabric, cleaning stains is a pain in the ass, if not impossible depending on the fabric, especially 100% cotton.

2. Oil-based lubes are not recommended for use with condoms. Oil runs the risk of breaking down latex.

3. Oils used in oil-based lubes are mostly food products and will go rancid after time.

Vegan, Natural & Preservative-Free Lubes

I also take heed at using vegan and organic lubes, as well. It may sound like a great thing to be all-natural, preservative-free and paraben-free (is a common skin care preservative), but preservatives serve a purpose. They inhibit bacteria growth that may occur from spoilage or bacteria contamination. To me, the remote possibility of the “may be harmful” risks of preservatives (primarily parabens) far outweigh the weightier likelihood of infections that could be brought on by spoilage and contamination. The preservatives that are used in lubes are similar to the ones used in other skin, beauty and cosmetic products. Plus, the average lube user isn’t using as nearly as much lube or using it as often as they do lotions, creams, soaps and shampoos.

Generally speaking, I’ve found that a lot of these lubes don’t perform very well. I’ve only tried one that I consider to be excellent. The others ranged from so-so to absolutely useless.

However, some people LOVE natural lubes and sing their praises. Find out more in this article:

https://www.sexpert.com/your-sexy-guide-to-body-safe-lubricants-part-2/

Hybrid Lubes

You’ve probably heard about hybrid lubes. They’re water-based lubes with a touch of silicone to help keep them going for the long haul. Some of them claim to be safe for sex toys, but personally, I don’t take the risk.

Warming & Cooling Lubes

When it comes to giving my sweetie a hand job, I hate the thought of putting cold lube on his warm shaft. (He says it doesn’t bother him but I remember the cold shock of jelly on my belly from the many ultrasound scans I had when I was pregnant.) That’s why I love warming lubes. It’s amazing how a few little drops of warming lube can give any kind of stroking a man prefers an additional pleasing sensation that feels like being swaddled and caressed in a warm blanket. At least that’s how my lover describes it. Sometimes, just blowing on a warming lube (as well as cooling lubes) can heighten the temperature effect. They’re a great way to put some extra fun in your sexy time.

Flavored Lubes

I’m a big, huge fan of flavored lubes. They’re lots of fun for oral sex and can instinctively bring on some mad oral sex skills you never thought you had. There’s no magic ingredient that makes that happen. Just think about what your mouth and tongue do when you eat flavorful food. Certain flavors increase salivation, make you pucker, and spring your tongue into action.

However, I must warn that flavored lubes are very hit or miss. Some can be really nasty tasting even if they’re flavors you think you’ll like. Get informed about buying flavored lubes. Read reviews and try out some samples at sex toy stores.

Try Before You Buy

Speaking of sampling, keep in mind that price and reputations are not always indicators of quality of and performance. I’ve tried several “quality” lubes that are backed by marketing hype that many sex-savvy thought leaders, bloggers and reviewers load with praise. There’s even a lot of variability between different lubes made by the same company. If you’re new to lubes, visit a sex toy shop and try out testers or ask for or purchase sample packets.

Body-safe Ingredients

Since skin on and inside the genitals is much thinner and delicate than on most other parts of the body and sex and masturbation are far from delicate activities, you should look for skin-beneficial ingredients. Aloe vera and Vitamin E are excellent for repairing and rejuvenating skin. Ginseng and guarana stimulate blood flow for heightened sensual sensations. Always check the ingredients to make sure they are body-safe lubricants. Many lubes have yucky chemicals in them that you don’t want to put hear your who-ha!

You’ve probably gotten the picture that there’s really no such thing as a single all-purpose lube. I like to think of lubes as sex toys in a bottle. They are by no means an aid for women who are sexually lacking. Anything but. They’re for women and men who don’t just have sex, they have great sex!

http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/love-your-lubes/

Secrets to Self Love & Self Pleasure (aka Masturbation)

By

Dr. Ava Cadell

-

September 4, 2021

pexels-mikhail-nilov-6944342 — Photo by Mikhail Nilov @Pexels

What is Self-Love?

Self-Love: What do you think is the most common, universal sexual issue? No, it isn’t penis or breast size, but it is the attitude looming behind your physical attributes that counts more than what you look like. And that manifests itself by causing us to feel inhibited. Inhibition begins with that old bugaboo “lack of self-worth”.

Anyone who grew up on this planet has experienced this loss of self-esteem and self-value. It has many causes, from family conflicts to society’s ills. What matters now is giving yourself a positive self-perception. You’ve earned it. You deserve it.

Lack of self-worth isn’t an item that stands alone like a crooked nose or big feet. Our self-worth affects every area of our lives across the board. It’s an awful thing to feel. In fact, often we run from feeling it and its shame-based origins. We overeat, overindulge, overspend – anything to keep from feeling bad about ourselves. A lack of self-worth can cause us to spiral down into the pits before we realize what’s happening.

As one man once said to me: “I can sure dig myself into a hole with very little effort”. Self-esteem affects one’s confidence, ability to have positive relationships, career success, self-assertion and self-expression. Low self-worth can stop us in our tracks and keep us petrified of experiencing life and its myriad pleasures.

Know Thyself

Everyone is inhibited about something, whether it is physical appearance, performance as a lover or the ability to let go and have an incredible orgasm with their partner. Some people are so inhibited about sex they have never explored their bodies to discover their erogenous zones. And if they don’t know what arouses them, they surely cannot communicate it to a partner.

Statistics show that over 78% of women have never explored the inside of their vagina. This is sad, because knowledge equals power. It’s imperative to be aware when your body is feeling different, especially when it comes to examining the breasts for possible lumps. I would like to encourage women to feel the inside of their body, probe and get to know their cervix, learn to recognize when they are ovulating and note any changes in bodily stimulation and emotions.

Women need to familiarize themselves with bodily secretions, as well, and what they mean.
Self-pleasuring is a good tool for utilizing fantasy to overcome inhibitions. In fact, there are many good reasons for pleasuring one’s self. It feels good. You can explore your own sexual response patterns. You can enjoy sex without feeling desperate for a partner. You can relieve tensions. For women, you can relieve pelvic congestion, especially during
menstruation. Masturbation is also an excellent way to reenter into sexual activity after a heart attack or other medical problem. People who feel good about pleasuring themselves are much less likely to have sexual problems. If you take responsibility for your sexual needs and responses, you are likely to make a good sexual adjustment. Let’s take a look at some of the self-pleasuring myths and realities.

Self-Pleasuring Myths

Self-pleasuring causes insanity, headaches, blindness, nosebleeds, nymphomania and warts.
Too much self-pleasuring is harmful.
Self-pleasuring is unnatural.
Pleasuring yourself is immature.
Self-pleasuring is for simple-minded people.
Self-pleasuring is a substitute for sexual intercourse.
Self-pleasuring is socially unacceptable.
You may begin to prefer self-pleasuring to intercourse.

Self-Pleasuring Realities

No evidence exists that self-pleasuring causes physical or mental problems.

It is a healthy way to take responsibility for your own orgasm.
It is an excellent way to learn about your sexual responses so you can share them with your partner.
Intercourse with a partner and self-pleasuring are complementary sexual experiences.
Many sexually active people who have available partners still enjoy self-pleasuring.

Far from being an “unnatural” act, self-pleasuring is a very natural function. It is healthy both psychologically and physiologically. And there is no “normal” rate associated with self-pleasuring; frequency varies enormously from one person to the next. Some people fantasize while pleasuring themselves, others don’t.

And there is no “right” or “best” way to have an orgasm or to masturbate. Some people reach a climax quietly while pleasuring themselves; others thrash about and make a lot of noise. These aspects vary greatly, and are not judgmental criteria.

Masturbation and Children

It is also natural for children to masturbate out of curiosity and for pleasure. Guilt results only when a child is told by others that self-pleasuring is wrong. It is important for parents to become as well informed about sex as possible, so we can all convey healthy sexual values to our children, clearly and effectively.

Overcoming Inhibitions

Self-pleasuring offers a great exercise in overcoming inhibitions. Looking at your genitals as you masturbate (either directly or in a mirror can help you to notice the different parts as they really are, rather than how textbooks portray them. It will also help you to gain self-acceptance about your body and how it functions sexually.

In a relationship, self-pleasuring takes the pressure off the partner to perform at times of stress or during a temporary change in lifestyle. Even in the best of unions, sexual tastes can vary and one partner may need more activity than another. Self-pleasuring can provide a healthy release between love-making sessions when both partners are desirous of sex.

Self-love and self-pleasuring are the first natural steps to a healthy sexuality. It is so vital to develop a loving, patient and understanding attitude toward one’s self, and to learn to pleasure one’s self, so each of us can bring that knowledge and caring into a union with our everlasting love.

Male Sexuality

Men have been taught to rigidly conform to cultural myths about themselves and their sexuality. If they don’t live up to those myths, they incur much guilt and negative feelings. As cartoonist Dan O’Neill once said in jest, “In the beginning, God created man… and his penis.”

Men worry unnecessarily about the size of their penis, when in fact the size of a man’s heart is much more important to a woman. If men have difficulty in achieving the standards of maleness, they have been told to remain silent and bear the load. The limits imposed by these unrealistic standards have inhibited men from exploring and fulfilling the total range of sexual options.

Below is a list of unhealthy myths and societal messages men get:

DO: perform, get it up, keep it up, achieve, always be turned on, be a sex machine, control, have sex only with young attractive women, give women orgasms, have a big penis, hide your feelings of fear, inadequacy, rejection or helplessness.

DON’T: quit, fail, feel, be vulnerable, be weak, be receptive, be passive, take responsibility for birth control.

The above DO’s and DON’Ts are not attractive to women, so why must they be perpetuated on men? To achieve a full and satisfying sex life, men need what women need: self-knowledge, facts, options, techniques and honesty. The two genders are not so different in their basic wants and desires.

Female Sexuality

The confusing sexual messages women get from society’s projected attitudes are equally as damaging, if not more so. During childhood and adolescence, women are often taught to fear sex, which manifests in the following:

DON’T: touch “down there”, talk about sex, learn about sex, read about sex, get turned on, give in to sexual desire, be available, kiss on the first date, feel sexual, be too forward.

However, women are expected to hide their womanly wiles behind an attractive, mannequin-like pose and do the following:

DO: be attractive, be obedient, be passive, be sensitive, be loving, be nurturing, maintain a “good” reputation, wait for the male to initiate, expect the man to know all about sex, refuse a man when he asks you to be sexual.

As if these weren’t enough, women are bombarded with other cultural messages as well:

Sex is only for men’s pleasure and for making babies
You aren’t allowed to have sex until you’re married.
You should only have sex with men.
Your only goal is to please your man.
You should only share love with one person during your life.
Sex is dirty; sexual desires are bad.
Only the missionary position is right; any other sexual position is kinky.
You must not have sex during your period.
Never reveal that you are sexually experienced, even if you are.
Fake your orgasm, if you can’t reach one.
Your naked body is shameful and embarrassing.
Women shouldn’t be too successful, especially in sex.
It is selfish and demanding to want clitoral stimulation.
Foreplay isn’t necessary because intercourse is the goal of sex.
You must have a perfect, “hourglass” figure, or super model skinny or insert “ideal” social acceptable body-image type HERE.
You should always be naturally lubricated.
Birth control is the woman’s responsibility.
You must have sex when your partner demands it, not when you want it.
You must climax together.
You need a man to be whole.

You aren’t doing it correctly until you have a “vaginal” orgasm. (This is attributed to Sigmund Freud, who said that women have two kinds of orgasm: 1. clitoral, which is immature, and 2. vaginal, from penile thrusting, which is the “right”, mature kind of orgasm.)

Can all of these sweeping statements be true? If our genitals are as valuable as priceless rubies, why are they spoken of as “dirty”? If sex is so beautiful, why do people shame it? If sex is a no-no before marriage, then how can we be expected to perform perfectly and know everything about it on the wedding night?

It is no wonder that women are often as confused as men about sex; feel guilty, alone and worried; are uncomfortable with their bodies; are waiting for IT to happen; are masturbating in secret, if at all; and are worried about whether their genitals smell and taste normal.

Society’s messages are obviously ignorant, and have been handed down to us from times when people just didn’t deal with “such matters”. It is up to each woman to establish her own sexual values, and overcome the taboos with self-knowledge, creating options, being honest with herself and others, knowing the facts, learning techniques, and sharing her needs with others.

The Clitoris!

The clitoris was designed to open sexual doors for women, literally. The very word, “clitoris”, derives from the Greek word for “key”, as in the key to female sexuality. It opens women up to pleasure. And for a woman to revel in and thoroughly enjoy sex, her mind must be in the right place and not constantly fighting the negative messages above. The clitoris has its own rhythm and will not be rushed. A woman must have a connection from her brain, and the fantasies it activates, to her clitoris; thereby taking responsibility for her own satisfaction. If her mind is in harmony with her clitoris, she is moving with her own sexual rhythm.

Safe Sex:

Ironically, our sexual knowledge is expanding at a time in which there is extreme concern about sexually transmitted diseases. As much as we may desire to experiment and free ourselves of sexual taboos, it is equally important to be sexually responsible, both to ourselves and others. AIDS, caused by infection with the Human Immunodeficiency Virus
(HIV) is considered the most serious health crisis of the century. More than 30 million people worldwide are now living with the AIDS virus, and about 16,000 new victims are infected every day. To date, it has no cure. If you get it, not only will your sex life be over, so will the rest of your life. We must also be equally cautious about other known sexual diseases such as syphilis, gonorrhea chlamydia, genital herpes and warts, and trichomonas. Even though treatable, these latter two can cause serious health problems.

The Sexual Revolution is NOT Over!

The “sexual revolution” is not over, because each generation is showing more eagerness to explore healthy sexuality. This is no time to retreat from sexual expression, but rather to become as responsible about it as you would if you were learning mountain climbing. All over the world, people are protecting their health by using erotic sexual techniques that prevent or greatly reduce the possibility of infection. Some of these include tasty condoms, spermicide and gels for oral pleasures.

A “safe sex” approach to lovemaking means finding ways to remain uninfected no matter what your sexual lifestyle may be. It is not a time to crawl back into the closet and wait for the “sexual crisis” to be over. However, it is a wonderful time to explore the joys of monogamy and growing more deeply close to one partner. Couples may enjoy exploring ways to keep a closed relationship vital and adventurous while protecting their sexual health.

For those who are sexually active and not monogamous, there are many techniques such as mutual self-pleasuring and “outer course” as different from “intercourse”. These include flirting, communicating, cuddling, tender kissing and massaging. The most important thing to remember is to avoid the exchange of bodily fluids, and that the most erotic organ is the brain!

Achieving the Ultimate Through Sex

I like to believe that in the new millennium sex will rise to new heights as a healing
energy between partners. Many ancient cultures knew well the tremendous power of sex when combined with love. Perhaps we should look to that ancient advice in creating our future views of sex as an ultimate pleasure in partnerships. What were the great mystics trying to tell us about sex and spiritual union? Sexual ecstasy with our “soul mate” is the attunement with our life force that we all wish to find.

How many single people place ads that read, “I’m looking for my soul mate”? Deep down inside we wish for that comfort in spiritual, mental, emotional and physical closeness with another, and sex is one of the most binding aspects of it.

Self-Love Is the Ultimate Kind of Love

What is the ultimate in sex but a glistening sense of self-worth and self-love afterward? We feel we can conquer the world when our home fires are burning!

As we grow healthier in our body and mind, our sexual selves will grow too. And that can refurbish and replenish our desires, renew our strengths and minimize our weaknesses. Sex can, and should, be discussed without judgment. A healthy attitude toward sex, free from guilt and secrecy, and a hearty body, a curious mind and a happy heart will open up new sexual vistas for the human race in the decades to come.

Making Her Dreams Come True: The Making of Bellesa’s Rebecca & Ramon

By

Megan Hussey

-

September 3, 2021

Ramon and Rebecca by Bellesa Films

Don’t allow her super cute, girl next door looks fool you. Beautiful Rebecca Vanguard is a super smart businesswoman and content creator who also delivers sexy, empowered and uniquely arty performances in high end XXX features. She is also a woman with a fantasy–a dream that this modern day Cinderella realized with the help of a powerful Fairy Godsister–herself a guiding force in the arena of feminist porn.

Recently Rebecca wrote Bellesa House director Jacky St. James a long letter that detailed a favorite sexual fantasy; one starring an acclaimed porn stud, that she yearned to bring to life in the form of a hot XXX movie produced at Bellesa, an iconic feminist adult studio.

The Prince Charming in this dirty Cinderella story is legendary performer Ramon Nomar, a classically handsome seducer often considered a favorite among female fans and performers alike.

The Bellessa House scene “Rebecca & Ramon” is most literally a fantasy on film; a movie that translates the desires of its starlet most literally “to the letter.” Jacky St. James directed this scene, in which Rebecca both rims and receives anal intercourse from Ramon Nomar.

OK, so that particular plot diverges a bit from the ‘ball and glass slipper’ motif; but hey, it works.

“It was incredibly unique. It wasn’t just about working with Ramon, but also about how she wanted to give him a rim job. She was very open about her desires and it was incredibly refreshing – someone who just put their fantasy out there in the hopes of turning it into a reality,” said Jacky.

“Ultimately, it was up to Rebecca and Ramon to make the scene what they wanted in the moment. I booked the location and coordinated with Ramon (ensuring his comfortability with the fantasy) and the rest was in their hands. When someone wants to bring a fantasy to life, less involvement by a director is important. Choreographing a fantasy makes it feel forced and at Bellesa we want the performers to be their most authentic selves. Sometimes that means that the fantasy does not translate perfectly – but giving them the freedom and space to explore is what is critical.”

Ramon, say Jacky and Rebecca, was excited to assume the role of Rebecca’s subject of desire; to, indeed, be wanted so much by such an enchanting woman. And the feeling was mutual.

“Ramon is a busy guy and I’ve never worked with him. As a sex worker, I’m a provider and a consumer, and I’ve always liked him,” said Rebecca. “He likes anal, a lot of guys aren’t into it. Plus I have a thing for accents–hot foreign accents–and his is Spanish/European. And he seems open to everything that a lot of guys have stigmas about.”

Oh, and The Feminist Sexpert must add (because, well, I am The Feminist Sexpert), the dude is just really, really hot. See pictorial evidence of this point above, as provided by Bill William Compton, CC BY-SA 3.0 , via Wikimedia Commons.

Rebecca compares her letter to Jacky St. James as a missive written to Santa–one that fulfilled her deepest wishes. Only it was Ramon’s lap on which she ultimately sat.

“Female porn is the brand for Bellessa, which provides a film format for women, so they can finally talk about and find out their desires, and not feel like weird perverts. It’s passionate, intense, I’m into it,” said Rebecca. “I wrote a letter to Jacky because it’s more creative to write descriptions for scenes, a story–letting my imagination run wild.”

And the results, says Jacky, were nothing short of sizzling.

“Rebecca was very shy at first, which I expected. She had been attracted to Ramon for a while and therefore her shyness felt incredibly real and natural. Whenever a scene for Bellesa House happens, it’s always magical and unique and different than anything we’ve seen before because these people have a story and a reason they are being paired together,” she explained. “Ramon took the lead (as he often does) which helped Rebecca become more comfortable and give her the confidence to explore her ultimate fantasy.”

And that, says Jacky, is always the mission behind her work.

“I want every person who arrives to set to feel both safe and comfortable. The environment we create at Bellesa is one where people are encouraged to speak out, to share their do’s and don’ts, and to have a truly enjoyable and connected experience with their scene partner,” she reveals. “Empowering the performers to select their scene partner is a part of that. It eliminates a lot of the unnecessary stress a performer might feel, let’s say, if they are paired with a complete stranger or someone they’ve never met.”

Rebecca calls this scene “everything I thought it would be and more” and a definite career first–but knowing this spunky feminist, it won’t be a last.

With just a little more than two years in the business, Rebecca has shot scenes for Evil Angel, Jules Jordan, Brazzers, Girlsway, Pure Taboo, Twistys, Wicked Pictures, Zero Tolerance, MOFOs, Nubiles, Bang Bros., PervCity, Throated, Kink.com, Reality Junkies, Swallowed, and more. Rebecca has scored multiple coveted nominations including Best New Starlet from the NightMoves Awards and Porn Star Live Cam Performer of the Year from the Cammy Awards. She has also nabbed tons of Spank Bank Awards nods, and in 2019 won Most Servile Sub of the Year and a technical award as Badlands Becky. Rebecca has been featured in Hustler and Xcitement, as well as mainstream sites Input, Vox, and Medium.

As a content creator, Rebecca seeks–not only to realize her own vision–but to spotlight the talent and beauty of other women as well. Check out her niche site pukeonmybush.com and brand new 4K glamour porn site Tru6lack (pronounced True Black) tru6lack.com showcasing Black women. And find her doing live feature shows on Cam4 cam4.com/vanguard.

“I love it when other girls who are performers comment, “I love this idea, cool.” I like to appeal to the female market. I’m not competitive versus other girls,” she said. “Porn attracts naturally outspoken women, although others may tell us to just shut up about it. I encourage other women to be outspoken, confident, give it a shot.”

In Rebecca’s eyes, all women are beautiful and deserve their time in the spotlight.

“I work with BBW performers, trans performers, women of all colors….I believe in making a girl feel good about herself, glamorous. I hire a makeup artist, have a nice location, I make her feel special,” she said. “This is my own content. Being a female performer, I know male talent, I edit my own stuff, I learned to do video, lighting, to the point where I am making a good product.”

Keep up with everything in Rebecca’s world. Follow her Twitter @rebeccavanguard and Instagram @rebeccavanguardofficial. “Rebecca & Ramon” can be seen at bellesafilms.com/scene/4463591/rebecca-ramon.

On a personal note: As Rebecca is an awesome sisterfriend, I can’t be jealous of her, overmuch; even so, I can’t help but be a little envious that The Feminist Sexpert doesn’t have the luxury of writing a top feminist porn director when I want some sexy time with a favorite hunk. However, Jacky St. James tells me this:

“The best advice I can give anyone is not to think or talk about what you want – but to actually pursue it. If you want to work with someone – tell them, or tell Bellesa House. If you want to write a porn, write one and then try and pitch it. Dreams cannot happen in reality without action.”

OK, so now The Feminist Sexpert is hearing strains of the old Pointer Sisters ditty “Should I Do It?” going through my head. Should I write my own lusty letter? My own smexy script? Decisions, Decisions, Ladies….stay tuned!

Hooray For The Erotic Anthology

By

Ralph Greco

-

September 1, 2021

In the book publishing game, authors are usually advised a few months prior to their book being published, so as to gear up the old P.R. machine. I was just told about an erotic anthology I’ve placed a story in, coming out in November, from the good folks at SinCyr Publishing. (Here are some pre-sale links Here and Here, if you are so interested; sorry for the cheap plug) I have been published by this company before and I can say that both their eBooks and print versions are of the best quality… .and their authors top-notch.

Even a little old author named Ralph Greco, Jr. is pretty good. I look forward to reading his short story and all the others, written by authors Kristan X, Elizabeth Coldwell, Sprocket J. Rydyr, Jordan Monroe, Eve Ray, Louise Kane, Elliot Sawyer, Dilo Keith, Colton Aalto, Zak Jane Keir, Allison Armstrong, gathered together for the new book called Scandalous.

I’ll pepper social media and my other contacts until the November 30^th release date (and after) as best I can. Luckily with an anthology, you have all the other authors who are onboard pushing in their own way so that one usually sees a pretty wide-ranging coverage of the title.

This is just one of the reasons we erotica writers love anthologies.

Another reason is that you get to rub shoulders (mostly only digitally though) with authors you might never get to meet. Sometimes this leads to introductions being made, friendships forming, and maybe even some work coming your way from your new author buddy when they come across a lead they want to share.

Authors are also good for placing that weird little story you might not have yet found a home for. I have often found a specific theme of antho submission call sparks my memory with a “Hey; I have that story about spiders and leather that would be just perfect for this…Spider and Leather-themes antho.”

Another good thing about anthologies is they can introduce you to a publisher who might be putting out more books in the future. I felt warm and fuzzy sending a new story to SinCyr because they had treated me so well before, the introduction had already been made, they were aware of my quality of work. Not that it was a slam dunk that they’d use another story of mine for Scandalous or any new book they were publishing. But I did have somewhat of a track record with them, all because I had submitted and been picked for one of their past anthologies. And sometimes, a publisher is more open to accepting a one-off story from a writer or a bunch of them submitted over a few years before they will consider a stand-alone single-author collection or a novel…if even the publisher is looking for these.

Really, I am all for anthologies. Readers like to gobble them up because they can get a bunch of stories from a wide range of authors and don’t have to commit to just one naughty scribe. And often, those readers will seek out one or two writers they especially liked from the antho, and those authors could make another sale with other books they have written or their work appears in.

It’s a win-win across the board here! So, let’s say hooray with erotica anthologies, even when they are Scandalous.

Sexpert Panel on Disabilities and Intimacy

By

Dr. Ava Cadell

-

August 31, 2021

A Sexpert Panel hosted by Loveology University® & Sponsored by Hot Octopuss

Watch our panel discussion below!

Our Panelists Are:
Dr. Ava Cadell, Tamara Bell, Carlana Stone, Dr. Mitchell Tepper, Dr. Kevin Mintz, Asta Philpot, Kelly Gordon

Meet our Moderator and Panelists

MODERATOR
Dr. Ava Cadell, Clinical Sexologist, Author & Founder of LoveUniv.com

*All attendees will receive a Loveology University’s Disabilities & Intimacy Course*

Dr. Ava Cadell is a Clinical Sexologist, author of 11 books and AASECT Certified Sex Counselor with Doctorates in Human Behavior and Human Sexuality. As the Founder of Loveology University® Higher Learning and Loving in 2007, Dr. Ava has taken on the role of mentor to share her vast knowledge on love, romance, relationships, intimacy and human sexuality with motivated students who train to become Certified Love Coaches, Master Sexperts and Relationship Coaches. Dr. Ava is exceptionally proud of her multi-media course on Intimacy & Disabilities as she filmed a documentary with Carlana Stone and another with Asta Philpot to share their erotic empowerment for people with disabilities, as part of the LU curriculum. LoveUniv.com is accredited by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) as well as the American College of Sexologists International (ACS). As a global speaker, Dr. Ava has traveled across the U.S., Europe, India, Asia, Australia, and Africa, promoting the benefits of healthy love and sex through sexual empowerment. For more information, go to https://www.avacadell.com/

Tamara Bell, ACS Certified Sex Educator & Certified Loveologist & Love Coach

Tamara is an ACS Certified Sexologist & Certified Loveologist and Love Coach. She is a 2008 graduate of Loveology University®. She is the Ambassador of Students and mentor to Loveology students to help them prepare for their final exam. After student graduation, she helps them to define their coaching specialties, set up their personal branding and incorporate Love Coaching within their business. She also co-facilitates a zoom podcast with Viloshni Moodley from South Africa, discussing issues regarding Love, Sex and Relationships from around the world.

She received her certification as a Death Doula from IAP college in April 2021. As a widow herself, her goal is to assist wives who have lost their husbands. She is also here to help families through this difficult time. Tamara holds a B.S. in Business Management and is currently pursuing a degree in Family Studies. She was recently inducted into the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society.

She is the founder of the Home Pleasure Party Plan Association. She assists party plan business owners in developing and expanding their business. Tamara excels in management, networking, and supplies consulting to those looking to start or expand a Pleasure Party industry career. She is a NAASAS council member and Free Speech Coalition member. For more information, go to https://ladycoaching.com

Carlana Stone, Author

Carlana Stone is a published author, international speaker, and the founder of a non-profit organization. She’s also an Emmy-nominated, award-winning television producer with over two decades experience collaborating with some of the top creative entertainment & technology pipelines in the world. Stone began her career as the first wheelchair-wielding tv news reporter for ABC in Miami. She pushed her way into Hollywood producing shows such as A&E’s Intervention Judge Judy, and the Biggest Loser. Her style is characterized by her wholehearted grit and straightforward approach, infused with a signature dose of ‘Sugah’ and Louisiana spice.

Breaking stereotypes and challenging stigmas are a way of life for Stone, who has achieved a multitude of accomplishments that defy her physical limitations. She also made cross-country road trips on her custom-built Harley and became a certified scuba diver in Grand Cayman and she became one of the worlds first paraplegics to fly an airplane solo, plus she has jumped out one! https://www.carlanastone.info/

Dr. Mitchell Tepper, Author, PhD Human Sexuality

Dr. Mitchell Tepper, author of Regain that Feeling: Secrets to Sexual Self-Discovery, brings a lifetime of first-hand experience with chronic conditions and disability to his work as a Sexuality Researcher, Educator, Coach and self-proclaimed Prophet of Pleasure. He has a PhD in Human Sexuality Education from the University of Pennsylvania and a Master’s in Public Health from Yale. Dr. Tepper worked on ground-breaking research on orgasm in women with spinal cord injuries with world-renowned orgasm researchers Drs. Beverly Whipple and Barry Komisaruk. Over the last 14 years, Dr. Tepper has turned his attention to helping wounded veterans and their partners navigate intimate relationships. His forthcoming documentary, Love After War: Saving Love, Saving Lives, tells the stories of intimate partners who have won the battle for love. Dr. Tepper is also Co-Chair of this year’s Love Abilities Virtual Sexuality and Disability Festival to be held October 20 to 22, 2021. For more information, go to Drmitchelltepper.com

Dr. Tepper and Lorraine Stanley are Co-chairs for the 2nd Annual Love Abilities Virtual Sexuality and Disability Festival, October 20-22 & you can sign up for notices at http://loveabilities.org

Dr. Kevin Mintz, Human Sexuality

Dr. Kevin Minttz has an AB from Harvard College and an MS in Political Theory from the London School of Economics and Political Science. He also earned a Doctor of Human Sexuality from The Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. He grew up in Miami and resides on campus in Munger Graduate Housing. Kevin spends his free time volunteering as a sex educator with San Francisco Sex Information, a non-profit organization in the city.

“I am Ph.D candidate in Political Science with Cerebral Palsy. I use a wheelchair and have always been known to study topics that very few others would study, but my dissertation project here at Stanford is by far the most unique project I have ever undertaken. Instead of being viewed as less capable because of my disabilities and unique research interests, I am viewed as a scholar with new ideas that are just as worthy of intellectual scrutiny as those of other graduate students.” Dr. Kevin Mintz. For more information, go to https://kevintoddmintz.com/

Asta Philpot

Asta Philpot is a world-famous disability rights campaigner, actor, singer, speaker, presenter and writer pioneering and starring in documentaries and movies across the world, Asta continues to change perceptions surrounding disability. He is also a Certified Love Coach through Loveology University.

Asta’s inspiring story led to two movies, Hasta la Vista, a critically acclaimed Belgian comedy road trip that follows three guys with disabilities on their quest to lose their virginity. Hasta la Vista has won 30 awards to date across the world. Following on from the success of Hasta la Vista, Asta’s story got made into a USA remake. Starring an all-star cast and is already winning awards at film festivals across the world. Both movies are based on Asta’s incredible true story, and you can watch it as it’s released on Demand this year. For more information, go to https://www.astaphilpot.com/

Kelly Gordon

Kelly Perks-Bevington is a 32-year-old entrepreneur and consultant based in the West Midlands, UK! She has Spinal Muscular Atrophy Type 3 which is a genetic disability meaning for her, that she uses an electric wheelchair to get around. Kelly’s condition is progressive and has meant that she has faced losing her ability throughout her life especially when her body faced big changes and challenges such as pregnancy.

Kelly has two young sons, which is quite trying for any parent but absolutely loves parenting with her disability with help from her supportive partner Josh and her awesome team of PA’s! From a young age Kelly was outspoken and never let anyone dictate what her disability meant or allowed her to do this has seen her go through mainstream schools, get into a lot of trouble at college and ultimately push herself through many exciting and predominately male dominated industries. Kelly now works as a consultant which allows her to dedicate her time to projects that truly excite her and allows her also to manage her time to ensure she has sufficient time with her young sons. Kellys current projects span from recruitment to working for forward thinking sex toy brand Hot Octopuss.

Kelly also works as a presenter and is the current host of Hot Octopuss’s brand podcast Pleasure Rebels, as well as this Kelly has also worked on projects for the BBC, Channel 4 and Virgin Media. Kelly also regularly appears in mainstream media throughout the UK discussing issues that disabled people face and advocating for other disabled people. Kelly has also co-founded the business “With Not For” with Emma Gardner. Kelly and Emma are working together on this project to not only get disabled people into work but to push disabled people into high paid and high-power roles, ultimately getting them to boardroom level by embracing talent, confidence and reeducating big employers about the benefits of adding people with disabilities to their teams! For more information, go to www.hotoctopuss.com.

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A Sexpert Panel hosted by Loveology University® & Sponsored by Hot Octopuss

Meet our Moderator and Panelists

MODERATOR Dr. Ava Cadell, Clinical Sexologist, Author & Founder of LoveUniv.com

Tamara Bell, ACS Certified Sex Educator & Certified Loveologist & Love Coach

Carlana Stone, Author

Dr. Mitchell Tepper, Author, PhD Human Sexuality

Dr. Kevin Mintz, Human Sexuality

Asta Philpot

Kelly Gordon

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Dr. Ava Cadell, Clinical Sexologist, Author & Founder of LoveUniv.com