The Hot Feminist Sexpert is Confused by the Term “Hotwife”

By

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August 9, 2021

So one would think that an individual who refers to herself as The Feminist Sexpert would know a little something about the thusly called Hotwife trend. Girl, was I wrong.

Years ago, at the dawn of my work as an adult industry writer, I thrilled at the opportunity to write the script for an adult film on the topic of cheating wives. Suddenly I envisioned myself penning the next Lady Chatterley’s Lover (except the lady’s hubby wouldn’t be paralyzed–Harsh… or Unfaithful… and the lady’s husband wouldn’t bash in the other man’s head with a snowglobe–Harsher); an erotic variation on the ‘tragic romantic’ story of a wayward wife sorely tempted by a hot young lover; an adult cinematic opus sure to make the ladies laugh, cry and get mucha horny by picture’s end.

I was the sore one a week later, when my completed script was rejected.

“This movie ain’t for women!” The director told me. “It’s for men who want to see their old ladies with other guys.”

For once in her earthly lifetime, the Feminist Sexpert was speechless.

Once I regained my power of speech, I said, “Wha-? Why would men want to watch their wives cheating? Would a sample line of dialogue be, ‘Breaking her marriage vows with some hot stud and making me look like a fool–that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout’! Whoa, babe?”

At that point I had a wee bit of a meltdown–or, as I reference it, a Megdown.

“Everything has to be for men, amiright?” I asked. “Even if the heroine is having an affair, she has to do it in a way her husband approves? OK, I need a wine and a cold compress at this point.”

I lost the gig and that’s OK, because I write for women only. Still and all, I have come to realize that Hotwifing isn’t ALL about the men–and that, in all actuality, I kinda knew about it before I knew about it.

Many of the male escorts and companions that I know often are hired by husbands to please their wives–frequently as they watch. At the time, I attributed it to the simple mission of a husband who wants to keep his wife happy–especially if he might be older, and perhaps no longer able to fulfill her desires (Translation: He don’t kick it like he used ta).

Now I ponder the possibility that the husbands get just as much out of it as the wives–and that, for many couples, hotwifing is an adventure that can be empowering for her and satisfying for all three parties involved.

And then, there’s the porn. I mean, in many facets of my life and work, it all comes back to the porn.

Hot Movies for Her.Com does indeed feature a rich sampling of Hotwife porn geared toward women and couples. And while I shake my head at titles showcasing Bound Hotwives and Trained Hotwives, I nod my head at others that feature certain actors as the other men. (Wait, is that Tyler Nixon on the cover? Dante Colle in the main scene? That puppy’s going right on my To Be Rented list).

So, I guess it goes to show: Even the Feminist Sexpert has a few things to learn; but the question I have for you Ladies: If someone made a Hot Wife movie just for you, how would it look?

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Featured image by freepik – www.freepik.com

Tantric Gspot Pleasure & Female Ejaculation

By

Dr. Ava Cadell

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August 7, 2021

The Goddess Spot

“The illusive G-spot is definitely not a myth but a treasure, which when explored can result in a deeper, longer orgasm.”–Dr. Ava Cadell

The G-spot has many fun phrases associated with it; great-spot, glory-spot, go-ahead spot-but I like to call it the Goddess spot. It is located inside the woman’s vagina about a third of the way, in between the vaginal/Yoni opening and the cervix. The G-spot has a ridged texture to it and responds to gentle stroking. In many women, once properly stimulated, it can provide a very powerful orgasm. It also may produce an ejaculation (an expulsion of milky looking fluid) which they refer to as Amrita or ‘divine nectar’ in Tantric terms.

The individual differences and responses to G-spot stimulation are so varied that women should not feel pressured into finding their G-spot. However, if you decide to embark on this quest, consider it a treasure hunt. You may or may not find the treasure you expected, but the hunt can be a great source of adventure and personal knowledge. Many women have reported that they have difficulty locating and stimulating the G-spot by themselves, but they have no difficulty identifying the erotic sensation when a partner stimulates the spot.

Exploring the G-Spot

Gynecologist Ernest Grafenberg, who published research results about sexual pleasure being derived from the urethra, first identified the G-spot area. Dr. Beverly Whipple did further research on G-spot orgasms. The results are available in her book The G-spot and Other Recent Discoveries About Human Sexuality by Dell Publishers. She indicates the G-spot area swells when stimulated and may lead to orgasm. Some women claim that the G-spot can be a longer, deeper, more powerful orgasm than a Pearl/clitoral orgasm.

For most women, stimulation of the 8000 nerve fibers of the Pearl/clitoris, especially by a talented tongue, results in orgasm. Then there are those who swear the G-spot orgasm is the ultimate orgasm.

The illusive G-spot is definitely not a myth but a treasure, which when explored can result in a deeper, longer orgasm. Some women are even capable of ejaculating from it.

Stimulating your Lover’s G-Spot

1. Have your lover empty her bladder before you start in order to lessen the possible feeling of needing to urinate.

2. Both of you should get into comfortable position; preferably with the woman on her
back with her pelvis raised by a pillow.

3. Put your thumb on her pubic mound or Pearl/clitoris and insert the middle or forefinger
of your hand, palm up, in a “come hither” motion inside the vagina.

4. Push gently in the outer third of the Yoni’s top region, between the opening and the cervix. When you touch a small, ridged patch area, the woman may feel sensitive as if she needs to urinate.

5. If her bladder is empty, the sensitive feeling will pass and be replaced with intense, pleasurable feelings.

6. For more pressure, use any combination of the other fingers.

7. Use long, linear strokes creating an energetic circuit between your thumb and your finger.

8. Picture a clock-face on the inside of her Yoni, and stroke with your finger from 6 o’clock to 12 o’clock.

9. Alternatively, imagine your fingers are a “windshield wiper,” and stimulate the G-spot moving your fingers from side to side.

10. Now, put your thumb above the pubic bone (with your fingers inside the Yoni) to stimulate the G-spot from inside and outside simultaneously.

11. Tap the G-spot area with your finger/s towards her navel in pulsating motions.

12. Ask her to make a mental note which movements pleasure her most.

The G-spot can also be reached using a specially designed vibrator or by making love in certain sacred sexual positions.

G-Spot Sacred Sexual Union

Don’t make love in the same position, in the same place, at the same time. Be daring; spontaneous!

Your partner will love you for it!

1. In the Missionary position, the woman can rest her feet on her lover’s shoulders. This allows for maximum stimulation of the back wall of the Yoni and thus potential stimulation of the G-spot.

2. The alternative to the ‘Woman On Top’ position is for the woman to face away from her partner. This way, the whole of the Yoni is stimulated, and the woman herself can decide where she wants to receive maximum stimulation.

3. The rear entry alternative is for the man to lay his whole body along the woman’s. In this position, the entire Yoni is stimulated, but attention is concentrated on the upper part of the front wall, which means there is relatively good stimulation of the G-spot.

4. An alternative to the standing position is for you and your partner to face one another with the woman lying back. In this position, the front wall of the Yoni is stimulated, and good contact with the G-spot is made.

The Venus Butterfly

The Venus Butterfly is an ancient lovemaking technique first practiced in India 3000 years ago. It allows the male to bring his lover to a high peak of ecstasy by simultaneously stimulating two centers of pleasure at the same time.

Directions on How to Perform the Venus Butterfly

1. Pull back your lover’s clitoral hood.

2. Stimulate the Pearl/clitoris with short and long strokes using your tongue, fingers or vibrator until the woman reaches a level 8 on a pleasure scale of 0 to 10 with 10 being the point of no return; orgasm.

3. Move away from the Pearl/clitoris and stimulate the entire outside of the Yoni in circular motions with your tongue, finger or vibrator, allowing her arousal level to lower by a couple of points.

4. Return to Pearl stimulation as above using short and long strokes until the woman reaches a 9 on the pleasure scale.

5. Slip your finger/s, palm up, inside the Yoni and tap on the G-spot towards the navel.

6. Continue to stroke the Pearl/clitoris while tapping the G-spot with your finger/s or use a G-spot vibrator.

7. Combining clitoral and G-spot stimulation may result in multiple orgasms.

8. Practice the Venus Butterfly technique and exchange feedback.

Dr. Ava’s TriGasm

How do You Achieve a Trigasm? I have been teaching the combination of simultaneous G-spot and Pearl/clitoral stimulation for several years. Couples loved it. Women got some serious attention–learning how to climax internally and externally at the same time, and men felt like they were heroes. So, here’s the revolution, the ultimate technique in orgasmic potential for women: The TriGasm.

A TriGasm is the result of arousing the 3 points of pleasure, the Pearl/clitoris, G-spot and Rosebud/anus simultaneously. Many people are experienced with various forms of dual stimulation–a Lingam and a toy, a tongue and a finger, and other combinations.

Here are some tips for you as you go off on your Trigasm exploration. Begin setting the mood and prepare to stimulate all five senses. Be creative using sensual sound, visual arousal, and feeling your lovers heat. You should also have some lubricant nearby, especially for G-spot and anal play. The final tip tell your lover to take up juggling, because it’s going to take some coordination to master this technique, but it’s well worth the effort and mighty fun while learning!

Here is the ideal way to create 3 points of stimulation with a lover.

1. The woman should lie back while her lover lavishes her Pearl with oral pleasure until she
has reached a level 8 on a pleasure scale of 1 to 10. (10 equals orgasm.)

2. Change course and stimulate her vulva in small circles with the tongue or fingers for 2 minutes.

3. Return to the Pearl and orally increase her level of pleasure to a 9; almost to the point of no return.

4. At this peak, he should insert his forefinger palm up into her Yoni and find her G-spot, then tap, tap, tap it gently towards her navel.

5. Simultaneously with step four, he must stimulate her Rosebud/anus gently with a
feather, his pinky or a vibrator to bring his lover to a mind-blowing, earth shattering, energy-melting multiple orgasm.

Her Tantric Pleasure: Female Ejaculation

Female ejaculation has been documented in ancient Asia for many thousands of years. Here in the Western world scientists are finally accepting it as a reality and women of all ages are enjoying the experience of ejaculating during orgasm. I believe that every woman can ejaculate if she is stimulated correctly and if she knows how to control her PC muscles.

It’s estimated that less than 10% of women ejaculate, or at least admit to it. In Tantra, female ejaculation is called, Amrita, which means Nectar of the Gods. Some women who experience ejaculation admit that the feeling is like an intense orgasmic release; much stronger and longer than a clitoral orgasm. Female ejaculation can be attained with stimulation of the G-spot, the spongy area located inside the Yoni about two inches on the upper wall towards the navel.

Always empty your bladder first so that the ejaculation doesn’t have any urine in it. The ejaculate fluid is protein based (much like semen) but it’s thinner and of course it doesn’t have any sperm. In summary, female ejaculation is a normal natural occurrence, so why not try it? You might like it!

Female Oral Delights

A woman is more sensitive so begin with less pressure than you would like, as a man.

1. Kiss and lick the inside of her thighs to create sexual anticipation.

2. Explore the entire vulva (outside of the Yoni) with circular tongue motions.

3. Suck on her labia (Yoni lips) gently.

4. Lavish her Yoni with your tongue in long lapping motions from her Yoni opening to her Pearl/clitoris.

5. Use a pointy tongue all around the Pearl/clitoris but not directly on it.

6. Write numbers on her entire vulva area with your tongue, then the alphabet.

7. Slip one or two fingers inside her Yoni as you gently lick her Pearl.

8. Use a stiff tongue to lick her Pearl from side to side.

9. Make humming sounds with your lips so they vibrate as you kiss the Pearl/clitoris.

10. Stroke her perenium (between the Rosebud/anus and Yoni opening) while sucking gently on her Pearl/clitoris.

11. Never rub or insert anything sugary in a woman’s Yoni because it can cause infection.

12. Draw her closer by lifting her buttocks and kissing her Yoni just as you would her mouth.

13. Alternate pressure with your tongue as you lick long and short strokes from the Rosebud to the Pearl.

14. Insert a fingertip into her Rosebud/anus as you lick her Pearl.

15. Gently pull her labia majora apart (outside lips) and lick the labia minora (inside lips) with the tip of your tongue.

16. Nuzzle your face in her mound and brush your lips and nose over her Pearl.

17. Insert your tongue into her Yoni opening with quick pointy motions.

18. Flick your tongue over Pearl alternating from up and down and side to side.

19. When she is on the verge of orgasm, make your lips into an O and take her Pearl in your mouth sucking gently.

20. Insert one or two fingers and discover her G-spot while licking her Pearl.

21. Lick her entire vulva like an ice cream cone with lapping motions.

22. Use your tongue like a snake sliding and twisting it inside her slowly, then fast.

23. Suck on some ice before licking her Yoni for a cool sensation.

24. Drink some hot liquid and then suck and twirl your hot tongue over her.

25. Don’t change the rhythm of your motion when she is climaxing.

26. Don’t stop immediately after she has climaxed. Keep going until she stops you, then cup your hands over her Yoni with fingers facing the navel.

27. Ask her how and where she wants you to lick, kiss and suck her. Tell her to direct you.

28. Orally delight her Yoni while she is lying on her stomach.

29. Orally delight her Yoni while she is in the tigress position from the rear.

30. Tell her that you love honoring her Yoni orally because she tastes and smells delicious.

Remember that practice… practice… practice makes perfect!

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Excerpt from Dr. Ava’s Tantra Workbook

Easy 3 Step Process for Keeping Your Backdoor Clean

By

Miss Colleen

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August 7, 2021

pexels-sharad-bhat-3974145 — Photo by Sharad Bhat from Pexels

Ever since I became bicurious back when I was 19 years old (I now consider myself Bisexual), I have been turned on to the thought of getting fucked up the ass. Whether it’s a dildo, strap on, or a real cock. Just something to fill my hole! But my biggest struggle and turn off about anal play was keeping my hole clean. I was and still am self-conscious about having a squeaky clean ass and after much experimentation with my bum, I have finally found a routine that keeps Miss Colleen’s pussy clean!

It took months of reading, trial and error but I finally got it down.

So here is how I do it:

Fiber Vitamins

To start I take dietary vitamins. I suggest and use myself Pure For Men (PFM). If you don’t have a high fiber diet, taking dietary vitamins can really boost your fiber levels which in turn results in packing your fecal matter tighter which helps leave less loose fecal matter in your rectum. Also PFM packaged and branded the same fiber vitamin for women called Pure for Women.

I wait approximately 4 hours after consuming a meal before I even lay a finger on my hole. I let my body digest and usually this takes 4 hours. It also helps when I drink plenty of water. Drinking a lot of water helps the cleansing even more. I usually won’t start douching until I have a bowel movement.

Anal Douching

Photo by Tofros.com from Pexels

Now this step is critical to me and has fully given me the confidence to do anal cleanly. Anal douching. I use a 5 ounce bulb and fill myself with 10 ounces. The best position I found for this is to lay your face and chest to the floor with your ass pointing to the sky. Once I’m filled to that amount I take 10 deep breaths and relax. Then I expel the water.

Sit on the toilet with your legs elevated. This position allows for a more open pathway for residue and water to leave your rectum. Use a stool or there’s even something called the Squatty Potty which is basically a stool that wraps around your toilet. I go through this process about 3 or 4 times until the water that’s pouring out of my hole is crystal clean. Once it’s clean I wait for about a half an hour to let any excess water to leave my rectum and let my sphincter relax. Then you’re ready to get fucked!

Through a lot of reading and researching on the matter, I found a common theme. Not only do you have to be prepared physically for anal, but you have to be mentally prepared. You have to be relaxed. If at any time you feel pain or discomfort you should really stop and try again another day. Believe me it took me months to find a routine and techniques to keep my hole clean.

Should I Use Enemas?

I would also suggest staying away from enemas. Enemas can flush out mucus from your rectum. The mucus protects the delicate inner linings of your rectum. A complete flush of this mucus can cause bleeding.

That’s the 3 Step Process!

So in conclusion I offer a 3 step process: take fiber supplements, allow your body to digest for 4 hours after a meal and douche with small amounts of water!

This process works for me and I hope it works for you!!

Tantric Prostate Massage & Trigasms for Penis Owners

By

Dr. Ava Cadell

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August 5, 2021

Men have a hot spot too. It is the prostate gland, which can be excited by massage. Prostate massage may arouse your lover to new levels of intimate pleasure because the area of the Rosebud/anus is surrounded with sensitive nerve endings.

Before doing prostate massage, you may need to have a latex glove or finger cots available, and you’ll certainly want plenty of lubricant. I call the prostate his ‘Hero spot’, because it takes a hero to be adventurous, secure in his masculinity and trusting with his
partner in order to embark on Hero Spot exploration.

Hero Spot/Prostate Massage

The prostate can be effectively stimulated by the insertion of a finger or vibrator into your lover’s Rosebud/anus and rectum.

1. Lubricate your finger, or a finger cover, and insert one or two fingers, palm up, in a “come hither” motion inside his anus.

2. Apply a light pressure either tapping or stroking towards the perineum. Ask your lover what feels best. Some men say their pleasure zone is just one knuckle inside the anus; others are deeper. Levels of pleasurable response vary with each individual.

3. Be sure to ask your lover how he likes to be stroked, including what kind of pressure and motions feel best.

4. Ask him to share his feelings of pleasure, anticipation and concern and if he would like to try it again.

For example, he might say:
Before, “I’ve never done this before,” or “I’m afraid your fingernails will hurt.”
During, “I feel vulnerable,” or “Don’t stop!”
After, “That felt better than anything I ever could have imagined,” or “That felt really good.”

TriGasm for Men

The TriGasm for Men It is the result of stiimulating 3 points of pleasure; the Lingam/penis, the Jewels/testicles and the Rosebud/anus simultaneously.

1. The man should lie back while his lover lavishes the head of his Lingam with some suction until he reaches a level 8 on a pleasure scale of 1 to 10.

2. She should then use her mouth and tongue to stimulate his Jewels for 2 minutes.

3. Return to the Lingam and orally increase his level of pleasure to a 9.5 (almost to the point of no return).

4. At this peak, fondle his Jewels, continue to orally delight his Lingam and insert a forefinger palm up into his Rosebud to find his Hero Spot then tap, tap tap it gently. If all goes well, he’ll have an unforgettable, mind-blowing TriGasm.

Orgasm vs. Ejaculation

For men, the art of staying relaxed in high states of arousal actually gives more energy to orgasm. A man can have a full body orgasm without ejaculation. Practicing lovemaking without ejaculation can give increased pleasure, which may result in multiple orgasms. During these exercises, it is important to find your point of “inevitability” for ejaculation. Practice these exercises for separating your orgasm from ejaculation with and without, your lover.

1. Lie down on your back and ask your lover to begin a genital caress with her
hands or mouth.

2. You are now going to do a series of low-level pleasuring peaks on the pleasure scale of 0 to 10, with 10 being orgasm.

3. Give her feedback so she knows when to slow down or intensify her caresses.

4. Switch positions with your lover now lying on her back with her legs in the air slightly bent. In the Missionary position, reach a series of peaks while having Maithuna/intercourse.

5. Start with slow penetration and peak up to a level 5 on the pleasure scale and back off by squeezing your PC muscle.

6. Peak to level 6 and back off by squeezing the PC muscle. Slow down your breathing and open your eyes. Release sexual energy through your throat Chakra.

7. Repeat as above to level 7.

8. Repeat as above to level 8.

9. Repeat as above to level 9.

10. Thrust all the way up to just before the point of no return at level 9.5.

11. Both lovers should stop moving, the male lover squeezing his PC muscle as hard as he can. Synchronize your breathing, open your eyes and focus on each other with the intention to prolong lovemaking.

12. If you stopped thrusting in time, you will have experienced an orgasm without ejaculation.

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Excerpt from Dr. Ava’s Tantra Workbook

5 Ways Audio Porn Can Strengthen Your Relationship

By

Adonis

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August 5, 2021

Sex tops the list as one of the biggest issues between couples. Generally, one partner wants it more than the other. And yes, you guessed it, it’s usually the man! With sex comes intimacy and this is generally the area of the relationship women want to work on. The good news is, by improving your sex life, you can achieve both — better (hotter) sex and a deeper emotional connection.

Does this sound too good to be true? With a little effort and creativity, it can be done. Today we’re discussing how you can use audio porn to enhance your sexual pleasure, intimacy, and even communication.

Leave your inhibitions at the door and let’s start exploring the world of erotic audio sex stories.

What is Audio Porn?

As the name suggests, audio porn is erotic sex stories read aloud. Imagine your favorite erotic stories whispered into your ear by a sexy, captivating voice. Almost as powerful as dirty talk, audio porn stimulates all of your senses. Listeners can choose from categories ranging from mild (romance and mature) to wild (bondage, fetish, and threesomes). Choose whatever piques your interest, lay back, and explore your innermost desires.

But we’re talking about relationships here, right? That’s what makes audio porn so appealing. These erotic audio sex stories will take you beyond your own fantasies and help you explore your partner’s desires as well as you connect on a deeper level.

5 Ways Audio Porn Can Strengthen Your Relationship

When you think about strengthening your relationship, porn probably isn’t the first thing that comes to mind. In fact, many women are put off by the idea that their men watch porn, and men tend to sneak around, watching porn clips at work or in the bathroom.

That ends here!

Audio porn offers a shared experience that will help you see your other half in new and exciting ways that strengthen your bond both in and out of the bedroom.

A Shared Experience

Life gets busy. Between work, social obligations, friends, and kids (if you have any), you and your partner may feel like two ships passing in the night. It’s rare that you get quality time together let alone the chance to become more intimate or connect on a deeper level.

When you listen to audio porn together, it’s a shared experience you can reflect on and enjoy as a couple. The best part is, you can either listen to it side by side in bed or send each other naughty stories throughout the day. There’s something hot about all-day fire play. Send your partner a story with a message that reads, “This is what I want to do with you later”.

If listening to audio porn during the day is a no-no, wait until you’re home together in bed. Listening to audio sex stories is much less intimidating than watching pornographic films or videos. Choose a story you’re both interested in and press play. As it unfolds and the characters slowly undress, so can you!

A Way to Safely Share Fantasies

We all have fantasies but for some of us, expressing our sexual needs is much harder. Whether it’s because you’re embarrassed or simply scared of your partner’s reaction, far too many people keep their wildest fantasies to themselves.

Well, the time has come for you to tell your lover what you need and want. And audio porn can help. Carefully select a story that depicts your dream sex scenario. Maybe it’s a steamy threesome or visiting a swingers club. Listen to the story together and see how your partner reacts. Try saying something like, “That sounds hot. Would you ever do something like that?”. Even if they say no, at least you’ll feel better knowing you got it off your chest. And who knows, maybe they’ll be just as aroused by the idea as you!

Find Out What Your Partner Likes and Dislikes

Not everyone is vocal about what they like and don’t like in the bedroom. Some people go years without ever saying what their favorite sex act is or that no, they don’t like it when you pull their hair! Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship and that starts in the bedroom.

Both partners can use audio porn to learn more about their lovers. While listening, comment on the things the characters do that you like or want to try, but also voice your dislike of certain things. You can say, “I’d love for you to do that to me but we can skip that last part.”

If your other half isn’t talking, ask telling questions. Things as simple as, “Is that something you’d like to try?” or “That sounds really hot to me. What do you think?”. By using audio porn as an ice breaker, you can learn more than you ever thought possible about your lover’s likes, dislikes, and kinky desires.

It’s Great Foreplay

Foreplay is a great way to get geared up for sex and create some pretty intense sexual build-up. Porn is a common tool used for sexual arousal. In short, it helps get you in the mood! While most men have no problem jumping right into action without much lead-in, women need a little bit more prep time.

Because some women find pornographic videos offensive or just plain corny, audio porn offers a nice alternative. The stories actually have substance, the narrator’s voices are seductive and compelling, and paired with the vivid details provided, your naughty imagination can fill in the blanks.

Help You Remain Faithful

Sadly, over 60% of men and 45% of women are unfaithful at one time or another. That means infidelity affects 1 in every 2.7 couples. One reason people stray is a lack of sexual satisfaction and excitement.

But what if you could explore your deepest sexual desires without stepping outside your relationship? Listening to audio porn is a healthy way to indulge in your naughtiest, wildest sexual fantasies without acting on them. Now, you can feel what it’s like to engage in a threesome, have sex with a stranger in public, or become someone’s sex slave. Obviously, you won’t really be having sex, but with a little creativity and imagination, you can put yourself in the character’s shoes and momentarily escape reality without being unfaithful.

Enjoy Hotter Sex, Better Communication, and a Stronger Bond with Audio Porn

Who knew that porn could be so beneficial for your relationship? Audio porn is quickly catching on as a healthy form of sexual exploration, both alone and shared with a partner.

Use these sexy erotic stories as a lead-in for expressing your desires and fantasies. You can also use it to help improve communication and as foreplay. With so many categories to choose from, there’s an erotic audio sex story to fit every need and desire. The only question that remains is which one will you choose first?

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Dating on the spectrum

By

Valeriam Vincent

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August 4, 2021

Autism & Dating — Illustration by Hattie Reid

Written by Grace Blucher

My name is Grace Blucher, and I am a cisgender, neurotypical psychologist who lives and works on Woiworung Country. While I do not have autism, I work with many clients who are, and we work together to navigate the complex world of sex, love and dating. In writing this blog, I am not attempting to own or explain the experience of autistic individuals, but to share research, experiences and stories from the therapy room. While this article focuses on the experiences of autistic people, the information shared may also be relevant to other forms of neurodivergence.

Throughout the article, I have used identity first language (autistic, autistic person, autistic people). I realise that some people may prefer person first language (i.e. person with autism, person on the autism spectrum) and thus I would encourage the reader to supplement preferred descriptors where appropriate. All examples and quotes used in this article have been deidentified and represent themes of client content.

Dating is an experience filled with nuance, subtlety and uncertainty. This can be confusing, stressful, and overwhelming for most people, and even more so for neurodivergent (or neurocosmopolitan) individuals. Building new intimate relationships relies heavily on both the spoken and unspoken – interpreting someone’s eye contact, body positioning, questioning style and interest. There are lots of unspoken rules and possible complications. For autistic people who experience depth and intensity in? social experiences, this uncertainty or confusion may be felt very deeply. This is one of the main points of discussion in my work with autistic people in the therapy room. I often hear things like this from my clients:

“I had a good time, but then she didn’t want to hang out again. It was confusing.”

“We went on a picnic and I was supposed to bring cheese, but I didn’t know how much I was supposed to spend on cheese.”

“I don’t know what to talk to them about.”

“We were at a coffee shop, but it was too loud, and I had to go. I didn’t know what to tell him.”

What is autism?

Autism has traditionally been defined from a medical lens, with descriptors about difficulty with communication, social interactions and sensory experiences. However, autistic advocates explain autism in a way that talks to neurology: how and when information inputs and outputs are communicated from the brain to the body, and vice versa. From this perspective, autism is considered to be a different neurology, whereby much more sensory information is experienced by an autistic person. Due to this significant increase in sensory input, this can mean differences in how long it takes to process information, differences in how information is understood and differences in how the brain responds to the information it has deemed important or relevant.

Previous labels of ‘high functioning’ or ‘low functioning’ autism may refer to external judgements about how well an autistic person appears to be ‘coping’ and ‘passing’ in a neurotypical world. This also brings up the idea of masking, where autistic people attempt to ‘fit in’ to a defined social norm in order to maintain safety. This includes conscious, rehearsed, learnt behaviours for set situations whilst concurrently suppressing natural behaviours or impulses – often at the expense of self-identity.

Social scripts – helpful or not?

Dating and sex is inherently a mine field of vulnerability. For a lot of people, this can feel unsafe. Autistic children learn very early on that many environments are not safe for them (either through real experience or a subconscious awareness leading to heightened anxiety). One way of managing this feeling of unsafety is to learn the social scripts (learnt behaviours) that are ‘appropriate’ for a social setting.

However, the use of these scripts in the context of heightened sensory input, for example the social uncertainty of meeting new people, and the vulnerability of showing romantic or sexual interest is, understandably, an overwhelming experience. This can lead to a push-pull dynamic where autistic people want sex, love and relationships; but understandably, they can feel overwhelmed in such situations.

Some neurotypical people may mistake this feeling of being overwhelmed in romantic or sexual situations for a lack of interest – but this couldn’t be further from the truth. While there is diversity in all of our relationship preferences, relationships are an important and fundamental part of being human, and this is no different for autistic people. Sex and relationships are good for us too! Research tells us that autistic people in romantic relationships have a greater sense of sexual wellbeing and social and community belonging.

The impact of privilege

Dating is complex and multifaceted, and includes interpersonal, intrapersonal, and sexual factors. As neurotypical people, we need to realise that benefits are conferred onto neurotypical people by society, simply due to the fact that we are neurotypical. And this – boys, gals and non-binary pals – is privilege.

Recognising neurotypical privilege means being aware of the systems, structures, and sensory experiences that we can navigate without experiencing heightened sensory input, while also recognising that this is not the case for all people. In romantic and sexual spaces, this means actively noticing and considering how we, as neurotypical people, can better support and advocate for autistic people in these spaces. (For a brilliant piece on the sensory experience of autistic people having sex, please check out this article, and also this one. The onus is not on the autistic person to do the work, and clients have told me repeatedly how tiring self-advocacy is. However, autistic clients who I work with sometimes bring their relationship issues to the therapy room to talk about how they can support themselves, while other clients want to talk about how they can do better for their autistic partner(s). Some of these issues are listed below.

Let me be clear not all autistic people need support. However, for those that do ask for extra support – and for neurotypical people who do want to do better – I would encourage the reader to read on.

Small talk

Some of my clients tell me about the difficulty they face in having ‘small talk’ with new individuals. Small talk is the introductory conversation that doesn’t lead anywhere or seek to achieve anything. This can be difficult for autistic people as this communication doesn’t conform to a learnt social script and isn’t direction oriented.

It can be helpful to utilise activity-based gatherings when trying to meet people or when with new individuals. Instead of small talk, activity-based gatherings give us the opportunity to talk directly about what we are doing or experiencing. It also provides small breaks in conversation as we turn our attention to the activity. For example, clubs, interest groups and activities can be a great place to meet people with similar interests, providing initial common ground (instead of small talk).

Additionally, activity-based conversation reduces the experience of vulnerability, as we are ‘trying to find things to talk about,’ and may increase an autistic persons’ level of comfort with another or a group of people over time. If you are romantically or sexually interested in someone, complimenting their performance of the activity also provides a good opportunity to express your interest.

An important note – if you don’t like small talk, you don’t have to do it! Learning to engage in small talk is experienced by some autistic people as ‘masking’ – a disingenuous adaptation to the neurotypical world. Masking helps keep autistic people safe by pleasing others and prioritising the needs of others (usually neurotypicals) in order to conform to arbitrary social rules.

Some autistic people say that this helps them move through a world not built to support neurodivergence, while others say that it is exhausting, marginalising and fuels self-criticism. In an ideal world, the environment in which romance, dating, sex happens should be made safe in order to support autistic people. If you are dating or in a relationship with an autistic person, check in with them about what they might need you to do in order to help them feel safe and to reduce their sensory input – and proactively take steps to do this.

Dating can focus on interpreting non-verbal communication

Dating in the neurotypical world is usually centred on socially-based activities where there is a focus on nonverbal communication and interpretation. For example, consider going out to dinner or for a drink. In these instances, we are trying to ascertain if someone is interested in us platonically, romantically, sexually or not at all. This involves paying attention to body cues and language. Because there is such a strong focus on ‘making a good impression’ (especially early on), this can be particularly stressful for autistic people who may be suppressing their true selves (for the reasons explored above), while also trying to understand if the person or people they are dating are right for them. Not only are we contending with the stress of a new environment, the ‘pressure to impress’ and uncertainty about a new person – but also the sound, sight, taste, and touch experiences of bars, clubs and cafes. No wonder it’s overwhelming!

Some of my clients also talk about the confusion about unspoken social roles and “who does what” when newly dating. For example, many people can feel the gender role expectation of who ‘makes a move’ really challenging. There may also be power dynamics at play in terms of gender, sexual preference and relationship structure that make this murkier too.

It can help to make these unwritten rules and expectations clear either before the date or at the start. If you are going on a date with an autistic person, it may be helpful to flag these expectations early on. For example, “I think we should each pay for ourselves today,” “If today goes well, it is ok if I ask to kiss you?” “I would like it if we could talk again, but I probably will wait until Wednesday.” By bringing these worries, expectations and social scripts into the conversation explicitly, we are able to reduce uncertainty for all.

Liking someone = preoccupation and fixation

Finally, some of my autistic clients also talk to me about what happens when they are really into someone, and how sometimes, this person or people can almost become like special interest areas. They describe curiosity and early infatuation that comes with a new relationship can quickly turn into a preoccupation or fixation. I have worked with people who can spend hours upon hours on the social media accounts of their new love interests, trying to remember and research all the things that this new person is into just in case this is something that comes up on the date. This may sometimes be driven by anxiety, however also then becomes part of the mask that autistic people wear in romantic environments.

Being really into someone and wanting to find out all about them is wonderful, and setting up boundaries and consensual arrangements with a new partner(s) can be really helpful in understanding what is okay for all people involved. For example, it can be useful for the new relationship to think about how often you might want to spend time together, and what does communication look like when you are not together.

Dating, like anything worth having, can be hard at times. However, we as the partners, friends or lovers of autistic people need to recognise the privilege we bring to sexual and romantic spaces, and actively work to promote and support equity in these places.

At SHIPS, all our practitioners are knowledgeable and skilled with working with neurodivergent individuals. If you or your relationship may benefit from some extra support, please check out our website here.

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Sexual Health and Intimacy Psychological Services (SHIPS) is a progressive psychology practice in Fitzroy, Melbourne. They provide sex, intimacy and mental health treatment in person and online. All SHIPS practitioners share inclusive and progressive values, are passionate about improving the lives of their clients and aim to create a safe space for you to get the help and support you need.

This article was previously published at https://www.xesproducts.com.au/blogs/news/dating-on-the-spectrum

XES Products is an online sex toy store dedicated to providing premium, accessible products and resources for everyone, without exception. In particular, we focus on empowering individuals with physical, cognitive and sexual health conditions to engage their sexuality, join the conversation around sexual wellbeing and explore their innermost desires. With XES, you’ll have access to high-quality, ergonomic products that support a diverse range of sexual interests and cater to unique individual characteristics.

Becoming a Sex Expert: Helping People Have Better Sex

By

Janet Lovelace

-

August 4, 2021

We often think of sex as an immensely intimate activity between at least two consenting adults. Even when we freely talk about sex, the way our language has so many euphemisms for things that relate to sex tells you about how private it all is despite the openness. Before writing about sex, I never really thought about the idea of people needing help with sex, let alone asking for that help from a trained professional. I figured that it was something that came instinctively, something that you kind of picked up along the way and with trial and error.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Do we even really know how to have sex?

Our collective idea of sex has always been heavily influenced (dare I say dictated?) by how Hollywood and TV portrays it. On the other end of it is hardcore pornography setting up unrealistic standards for how sex actually goes with its uncomfortable positions and unusually long erections. Since we can’t all have sex therapists as moms like Otis from Sex Education, all we have are these two sources of information to sort of figure out how to have sex. I mean, the typical sex ed at school didn’t really help either.

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels

Looking up on these topics on the Internet was often met with a certain tinge of disgrace. Which is totally ridiculous. (Though to be fair, it is kind of funny to type up “how to give a blowjob” on Google.) No one becomes a master lover by reenacting porn in the bedroom. If it weren’t for the sex writers, I think I’d still be cluelessly and irresponsibly feeling my way around my lover’s body. Which is why I want to be one.

Becoming a Sex Writer

Writing about sex isn’t necessarily finding out all the ways that you can spice things up in the bed a la Cosmo or weaving steamy erotica Fifty Shades style, but it definitely sounds like it’s as exciting as it is fulfilling. It surprisingly involves a lot of introspection and research. In combining a psychological and sometimes spiritual understanding of the act of sex, sex writers and coaches can guide you towards a more satisfying sex life.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels

What a lot of people don’t realize about sex is that it involves a significant amount of dealing with your own issues. Whether it’s too much guilt over watching too much porn or a deep-seated issue that’s affecting your performance, you’ll find that these things can be easily amended by asking for a little bit of help.

Aside from this, it’s an actual viable career option. Imagine getting paid to help people have better sex, and you get to choose when and how you want to work. Admittedly, it requires a lot of self-branding and it might be a slow start, but once you get the ball rolling you’ll have loyal clients who’ll be recommending your teachings to their friends. Plus, sex on the Internet always sells.

The one big hurdle in my perfect career plan is my personal fear of being an impostor. Sex and helping people with it is as much an art as it is a science, and heaven knows that I’ve only ever had sex my way. I didn’t want to be limited by my own experiences, because that would be boring and leave my insights ungrounded. I don’t want to be just another writer who only ever talks about themselves or someone who rounded up the many kinds of orgasms one can have in a listicle.

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels

Though there aren’t a lot of colleges or universities that offer Advanced Sexpert training as a degree. So, I was really glad to find that Loveology University made it easy to get certified.

Mastering Sex

Like I said earlier, our usual idea of sex is a sort of gut-feeling that helps us find our flow while we’re in bed. Breaking down the many aspects of sex sounds rather robotic, but looking at how Loveology University’s curriculum is designed makes me realize that this really is how we should be approaching getting better at sex: without any fear of humiliation, only a serious and genuine want to improve.

Stripping sex of the taboo that surrounds it makes it easier to really see it for what it is. It’s an intimate activity that involves very specific aspects, all of which is explored extensively in the Master Sexpert course. Everything from kissing to sex toys to back door play is covered, but what I appreciate the most about the curriculum is its emphasis on establishing safety protocols and boundaries during sex.

This makes me think about how important it is to create a healthy relationship with sex and with your partner/s, despite it being a frustrating and emotionally-taxing process if you didn’t know how to handle it. The course is holistic, telling us that while anyone can learn how to get better at sex, not everyone can have healthy sex.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels

Anyone who wants to be a sex writer needs to understand this. Learning from the pros can give you quite the advantage, since it helps you underscore your personal insights and revelations with everything you’ve learned from your mentor. Again, sex is much an art as it is a science. In the same way research helps us move forward by standing on the shoulders of giants, getting certified as a Master Sexpert can help you empower people to enjoy the sex they want to have.

Isn’t that a noble profession?

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Founded in 2007 by Dr. Ava Cadell (Clinical Sexologist and AASECT Certified Sex Counselor), Loveology University (LU) is an online love coach training school that has trained and certified thousands of aspiring coaches worldwide, with our cutting-edge love, sex and relationship coaching programs. LU offers the most comprehensive Love Coach, Master Sexpert and Relationship Coach training programs online, teaching you everything you need to know about love, romance, relationships, intimacy and sexuality so you can to help your clients thrive romantically.

Graduates are eligible to get international accreditation by becoming members of The American College of Sexologists and CE’s towards AASECT https://www.aasect.org/

You can sign up for Loveology University’s cutting-edge courses on their website. They’ve got a special discount on individual and bundled courses right now, so now’s a good time to start earning your Sexpert Certification.

Featured photo by Pixabay

Tantric: Lingam Worship & Pleasure Techniques for Penis Owners

By

Dr. Ava Cadell

-

August 3, 2021

pexels-majd-sheikh-3105363 — Photo by Majd Sheikh from Pexels

When a man has his Lingam worshiped by his lover, he feels a deep emotional and physical connection towards her. The gratification he gets enables him to surrender himself to her
female Goddess power.

Lingam Love Strokes

1. The Secret to Moving His Sexual Energy: You can direct sexual energy from his genital area to other body parts, particularly the heart Chakra, to create more of a connection. While stroking his Lingam with your right hand, move your left hand up the center of his body to his heart.

2. The X Stroke: Move your right hand over his right hip across his Lingam to his left nipple like a giant ‘X’. Then move your left hand over his left hip across his Lingam to his right nipple in a fluid motion.

3. Spiraling the Stalk: Both hands go in opposite directions in a corkscrew motion over the Lingam. One hand twists up while the other hand twists downwards. Make sure you use some lubricant or massage oil.

4. Blended Bliss: Stroke his Lingam with your prominent hand and stimulate his prostate externally by sliding your fist back and forth over the perineum. Make sure you use some lubricant or massage oil.

5. Making the Fire: Rub his Lingam with both hands as if rubbing a stick to make a fire. Make sure you use some lubricant or massage oil.

6. The Thousand Yoni Stroke: Rub his Lingam from the top to the bottom covering the glans (head) and sliding your hands down to the base with one hand after another in a fluid motion. Make sure you use some lubricant or massage oil. This will give him the erotic sensation of entering a thousand different Yonis.

Male Oral Delights for Her to Give Him

If you suffer from the ‘gag reflex’, leave your tongue outside of your mouth, then suck and lick his Lingam.

1. Get into a comfortable position so that you don’t get a sore back or neck and put his buttocks on a pillow for easy access.

2. Put his Lingam inside of your cheeks to avoid ‘gag reflex’, then suck and lick his Lingam.

3. Always use your hands as an extension of your mouth.

4. Try to keep eye contact with your lover.

5. Pump his Lingam up by squeezing it in the palm of your hand.

6. Use the tip of your tongue from side to side across his urethral opening.

7. His frenulum deserves extra licking, kissing and gentle sucking.

8. Wrap your lips tightly around his glans (head) and use plenty of suction.

9. Flick your tongue around his coronal ridge (around the base of the glans).

10. Lick and lap his raphe with the flat of your tongue (underside/seam of his penis).

11. Change your rhythm from long, slow sucking to short, fast, milking action.

12. Shake and wiggle his Lingam in your mouth.

13. Hold the base tight while making spiral motions around the glans.

14. Gently tug his scrotum while sucking him from the shaft to the glans.

15. Push on his perenium (between the Rosebud and the Jewels) while sucking.

16. Put your finger (palm up) inside his mouth, while giving him oral love.

17. Stroke his ‘Hero Spot’ (just inside the Rosebud) while sucking.

18. For ‘deep throating’ keep your head back and let him straddle you.

19. Stimulate his glans with your index finger while you are sucking.

20. Suck on an ice cube prior to oral love.

21. Drink some hot liquid prior to oral love.

22. Make humming sounds during oral love for some extra vibration.

23. Rub fruits and juices on his Lingam and lick them off.

24. Put his Lingam between your Pillows of Compassion/breasts (cleavage fornication) for variety.

25. Wrap beads around his Jewels tugging gently while sucking.

26. Stroke his Lingam lovingly with your hair and
your face.

27. Gargle with mouthwash or suck on a mint prior to oral love for a tingle.

28. Don’t change your rhythm just before he climaxes unless he asks you to!

29. Ask him how he wants to be sucked; gently, hard, slow, fast, deep…

30. Enthusiasm is more important than technique!

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Excerpt from Dr. Ava’s Tantra Workbook

5 Ideas For The Erotica Writer’s Writing Routine

By

Ralph Greco

-

August 3, 2021

post-it-3847384_640 — Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

And Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Masturbation: 5 Ideas For The Erotica Writer’s Writing Routine

I can’t tell you when/where and how to write any more than you could tell me. How you come to set your writing time/place/habits, has to work best for you. Everybody’s output is different, as is everybody’s writing style. But what I might be able to impart here (well, I am going to impart it, the ‘might’ part comes in when or if you chose to apply what I advise) are five ideas that I feel work for all of our writing routines (not just for those of us writing smut), no matter the when/where/how or what we write.

1.) Have a delineated space to write in. This one is not so easy to come by or create, especially if you are just starting to scribble, are a part-timer, live in a kinetic household. It might be tough to squirrel away a specific space all your own, apart from the family or a romantic partner, someplace quiet where you can dream or secluded enough that you can blast the Iron Maiden at all hours for your inspiration. Steven King tells of when he was first starting, how he found the smallest back laundry-room space in his small living quarters to write Carrie. Then again, what the hell does he know, he’s not successful or anything…

I am all for getting out with the laptop, balancing it on your knees as you sit on the beach or some far-off mountain deck. But generally speaking, I think it’s a good idea, if you can manage it, to have a place that, when you walk into it—be it backroom, shed, cramped attic alcove—is the place where the writing gets done. Also, and let’s admit this, (we’re all adults here) if you happen to be penning erotica and what you write, well, gets you all hot and bothered and you feel you have to… do I have to spell the rest of this out for you? When a moment takes you that you’ll want/need a little privacy, then you damn well are going to be happy you have a little privacy.

2.) Find the right tools. If you enjoy clacking away on a manual typewriter, then get yourself one. I don’t happen to use one, so I can’t tell you what the availability of these machines is presently, but if this is what you write on, then write on it. The point is, be it a #2 pencil and yellow lined paper (Woody Allen lays on his bed, scribbling out the first drafts of his movies with a pen and yellow lined paper pads) or the old Intel processor HP laptop, chose your weapon and go forth.

Don’t be resistant to changing your tools, though, and for the fact of the matter, a routine as well. When I first began working on a laptop, I recall telling my buddy who was walking me through the process, that the idea of ‘cutting and pasting’ was something I was sure I’d never get used to. These days, I couldn’t write any other way than in a word processing program.

3.) Set a schedule. Again, not as easily done as considered, especially if writing is not (yet) your full-time gig. I know as many writers who need the discipline (no, not the discipline of tethers sprayed across your backside… Jesus, get your mind out of the gutter!) of a set time to sit down and ply their wares, and plenty more who function best just sitting down, and closing the basement door when the mood strikes.

As my great friend, great writer, and contributor to this website, M. Christian will tell you, he and I think of ourselves as ‘hacks,’ in the very best sense of that word. We don’t sit around waiting for the muse to whisper in our ear, and only then get to writing. We tend to go to our writing space each morning and get on with the getting on; answering emails, attending to open assignments, looking for jobs, etc. But we are professional writers, and we have set the time and space for this pursuit. However, even pros can have a whole bunch of different ways of setting a schedule if they set one at all.

4.) Schedule time not to write. This one is especially hard for me, as I find myself pretty much writing all the time. It’s what I like to do, as much as I can do it. I recall Isaac Asimov mentioning how his wife was always on him to take vacations, but he would repeatedly tell her, he had no need for them; writing was all the vacation he ever needed.

That’s the way it is for me. I get to travel to a whole bunch of different places, meet a whole bunch of cool people, and indulge my perfectly muscled (and superbly hung) body in a multitude of ways (not unlike my real-life… NOT), so it is hard for me to take time away from writing. But I would advise it. You need to fill the old coffers; you need to experience life, you need to smell fresh air, hang with friends, enjoy the touch of someone other than yourself. I’ll say it often, but it needs to be repeated, writing is not all there is to writing.

5.) Work on consistent organization. Lots of writers see the word ‘organization’ and go screaming off into the night. I understand. You should see my desk, talk about a mess! But I have a manner of organization set, a method to my madness, a way of keeping track, as much on my desktop as in my mind (both cluttered spaces that are always in danger of losing their ever-dwindling power) that works for me. Depending on how much output you put out, it might be a good idea to get things in order, best as you can, or at least be working to this goal as you work. I generally don’t like anything mucking-up my writing, and knowing that I have to still throw those bunch of stories in my “Three-breasted Amazon,” folder, or having some phone calls on my mind that I am trying to avoid returning, will lead me to distraction.

I hope some of, or maybe even all of the above will help you… if you need the help. I am sure you have habits you adhere to that get you through your day (I’d love to hear about those), and yes, being writers of smut, we might be a little more quirky than other writers. Although I dare say, all writers probably have odd little habits that get them through the day. As I will always advise: it is less how/when/where and why you write than that you do write.

So, get writing!

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And Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Masturbation: 5 Ideas For The Erotica Writer’s Writing Routine

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