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Gushing. Squirting. Female ejaculation. Whatever you call it, I’m baffled by why there’s so little information there is about it, and the information I have found ranges from doubtful to misinformed (see Wikipedia) to downright crazy (it’s ancient?).
Personally, I’ve only gushed a relative handful of times, and only with my current lover.
This past weekend, it happened three times in the same session. All we could think was, “Wow!”
Having gushed like that and only having gushed with him, I didn’t know anyone I could ask besides him how common it is. He said it’s only happened with two other women, and that one of them could do it on demand. (I really didn’t want to hear that exact detail, but I did ask.)
Female Ejaculation – How Does It Happen?
Image by InspiredImages from Pixabay
I wish I could say how and why it happens to me. I really can’t. I can’t will it to happen emotionally or physically like I can when I orgasm. I can’t feel a specific buildup like I do when I come, although it does come at times of extremely intense arousal and when my lover is making contact with my G-spot with his fingers or his cock. A gush of hot, watery, clear fluid just blasts out of me and thoroughly drenches him, me and the sheets. I’m not talking about a tiny spot; I’m talking about both of us having to sleep on a pretty large section of the bed that’s soaked well through the sheets and the mattress pad. After it happens, by no means am I mentally or physically drained after I gush.
The Female Ejaculation Whisperer?
I came across one video by a man who purported to be able to teach men how to make their women gush. I’d say he has the technique down, but as a gusher, I can’t say it’s a surefire way. It doesn’t always happen according to his directions, even when our lovemaking is scorching-the-sheets hot.
Female Ejaculation Studies
Image by Comfreak from Pixabay
What blows my mind most is that physicians and other scientists know little about female ejaculation. According to Dr. Laura Berman, “Since 2000, an increasing number of researchers have suggested the liquid may come from the Skene’s glands, which are located on the anterior wall of the vagina around the lower end of the urethra. But the truth is we simply don’t know where ejaculate comes from …”
Excuse me … “We simply don’t know where ejaculate comes from”??? Hell, it sounds as if the medical community isn’t even sure if Skene’s glands exist. The lack of findings and credible explanations I have come across is simply mind-blowing … almost as mind-blowing as gushing three times in less than a half hour … almost as mind-blowing as how I could gush that much and that often yet not gush for months, if not years at a time.
What kind of answer could I expect from my gynecologist? In this day and age, is the female anatomy still that much of a mystery?
At the same time, having gushed the way I did was quite an extraordinary experience for both of us … as was the all the fun that led up to it.
While no orgasm is better than another, Tantric orgasms tend to be more expansive and last longer, while regular orgasms have a peak, then a quick release.
What Are Tantric Orgasms?
Tantric Orgasms are orgasmic states of bliss that can last much longer than one simple climax. The Tantra sexual experience is a leisurely, meditative, expanded pleasure practice, where the goal is not orgasm specifically (although that’s a bonus) but the sensual journey itself. During Tantric pleasure one focuses on the sensations of the body, and moving sexual energy throughout the body to experience states of spiritual enlightenment, transformation, intimacy, connection and healing (including premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and anorgasmia). It is less about performance and more about pleasure, as well as deep intimate connection.
This could be connection and intimacy with oneself, with a partner, with the divine, or with the universal creation energy itself. In a Tantric orgasm state, the duration of each orgasm is expanded, and one can experience multiple orgasms in a row, like waves. For vulva owners, this can include the release of ejaculate, but in penis owners, the goal is to orgasm without ejaculation.
What is a Regular Orgasm?
Most of us are very familiar with a regular orgasm, as it is the most typical type of orgasm most of us experience. In a regular orgasm, pleasure is focused in the genital area (the penis or clitoris) and ends with a quick, intensely pleasurable climax consisting of 8-10 contractions in the pelvic muscle, about 1 second apart.
“Orgasm typically – but not always – results from rhythmic stimulation of body parts with high concentrations of sensory receptors (Komisaruk & Whipple, 2011)… Although orgasm-producing activities are usually focused on the genitals, orgasm is sometimes achieved by stimulating other body parts, and sometimes even through thought alone.”[i]—Study: What is orgasm? A model of sexual trance and climax via rhythmic entrainment, by Adam Safron, MSc. Journal of Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, Volume 6, 2016 – Issue 1.
Stages of Regular & Tantric Orgasms
Masters and Johnson, the famous sex researchers from the 60s, described 4 stages of orgasm. These include:
Excitement
Plateau
Orgasm
Resolution
Here’s a diagram to illustrate the phases of classical single orgasm (regular orgasm) and multiple or prolonged orgasm (Tantric orgasms).
As you can see, in “regular” orgasms the arousal or excitement phase gradually increases over time with stimulation, climbs to a plateau and then climax. Immediately after orgasm, arousal declines rapidly, especially in penis owners.
1. Excitement Phase
During the excitement phase vulva owners have increased vaginal lubrication and penis owners get a boner.
2. Plateau Phase
During the plateau phase, vaginas become engorged with blood, and some penises may leak pre-cum, a clear, viscous fluid. People also experience an increase in heart rate and respiration.
3. Orgasm Phase
Here we reach the point of no return, typically an 8-10 second climax.
4. Resolution Phase
In resolution phase, the body relaxes and experiences a drop in blood pressure, breathing slows and most people feel like rolling over and going to sleep or cuddling.
So, regular orgasm is rather like climbing a mountain where you enjoy the peak for a short time, then come crashing down the other side.
Full-Body Extended Tantric Orgasms
It is commonly believed that only vulva owners can experience full-body, extended orgasms. But, penis owners can as well, if they learn to separate orgasm from ejaculation, which are two distinct processes, even though it feels like one.
With NEO (non-ejaculatory orgasms) the orgasm is circulated throughout the body instead of ejaculating through the penis. There is no refractory time in between orgasms. In this way, men or penis owners can become multi-orgasmic. Vulva owners can experience ejaculation during multiple and extended orgasms as the refractory phase is much shorter and they are able to hold arousal longer.
Full-body extended orgasms are not necessarily one long orgasm, although some may feel this way, but a series of peaks with quick pause in between, as pictured in the image (Multiple and Prolonged Orgasm).
How to Experience Tantric Orgasms
Photo by Dima Valkov from Pexels
If you want to experience Tantric orgasms via masturbation, remember that this type of practice (and, yes, it is a practice and takes practice) is not a sprint to the finish line, but rather a series of techniques that take time to explore at a leisurely pace.
Focus on the Breath:
When you focus on the breath during sex or masturbation it allows you to slow down or speed up the various phases of orgasm. Quick “fire” breathing stimulates and can cause arousal to heighten more quickly, whereas, slowing the breath can prolong arousal, leading to longer orgasms. For penis owners this means you can prolong arousal without ejaculation, which is great if you experience premature ejaculation. For women who may have a hard time reaching orgasm, a quick “fire” breath can help build arousal to orgasm.
Pumping the Hips & Kegels:
As you self-pleasure, rock your hips as you lay on your back, squeezing your PC muscle (kegels) and releasing in a regular rhythm. Continue to focus on the breath with each squeeze as well. This will build sexual energy and help circulate it throughout the body.
Pleasure Touch:
Don’t only focus on the genitals during this practice. As you stimulate the clitoris, also, do vulva massage and g-spot massage to stimulate different areas. Include breast massage and touching yourself all over with feather-light touch. This goes for penis owners as well. Massage the balls, the perineum, ass cheeks, and other sensitive areas of the skin.
Visualize the Energy:
Visualize the sexual energy rising from the genitals and moving up the front of the body going through the chakras, then coming back down the back (spine) of the body in a microcosmic orbit. This also helps to circulate the sexual energy for a more expanded pleasure and orgasm.
Teasing and Edging:
With edging you tease your body with pleasure until just before orgasm, then back off (pause or stop) reducing stimulation while taking long deep breaths. Once you have allowed your arousal to lessen a bit, you can touch yourself in other areas for about 30 seconds to a minute, then build the stimulation and arousal back up again, using the techniques above. Then pause, and reduce stimulation once again, then resume more intense stimulation. Continue this for as long as you can stand, over and over. When you finally go over the edge, you will experience a much more powerful and extended orgasm. Penis owners may experience their erections softening, then hardening again, which is natural and will not interfere with orgasm.
NEO: Non-Ejaculatory Tantric Orgasms:
In Tantric sex, NEO are orgasms without ejaculation for penis owners. This can be experienced by practicing the microcosmic orbit, a technique made popular by Mantak Chia in The Multi-Orgasmic Man.
“By practicing semen retention, you can learn to move that sexual, orgasmic energy through your body so you feel the sensation of having an orgasm without actually ejaculating. This technique will help you transmute the urge to ejaculate into a rush of full-body orgasmic energy.”—Tantric Educator, Psalm Isadora MindBodyGreen.[ii]
Valley Tantric Orgasms:
If peak orgasms are regular orgasms or “tension and release” orgasms, then valley orgasms are the opposite and happen when you slow down and relax. “Rather than tensing around it and focusing it in the genitals, we soften the body around the arousal.”[iii] This allows the pleasure and sensation to spread over the entire body and not just be localized to the genital region, which in turn can produce a more “expanded” orgasmic experience. This type of relaxing, or “softening” of the body can be done at any time, not only during sex or self-pleasure, which allows for an orgasmic state of being with no beginning and no end. Rather than living life “desensitized” we re-sensitize the body to experience orgasmic states at any time, or even all the time. How far out and amazing is that?
Sound Off:
Making sounds during sexual pleasure (moaning, load breathing and ah-breath exhales) helps bring sexual energy up the body to open the throat chakra (which is energetically connected to the vulva, vagina and pelvic floor), thus circulating the energy and aiding in extending your orgasm as well as experiencing multiple orgasms. Using lower-pitched sounds direct energy down the body toward the genitals, and using higher pitched sounds moves energy upward towards the throat.
Do it Again:
Once you have achieved orgasm (in penis owners this will not include ejaculation), get back on that horse and ride it a gain. In other words, enjoy a slight pause, then begin self-stimulation once again, going through all the steps above. This should result in wave after wave of multiple orgasms, with various peaks and valleys that can last anywhere for 1-5 minutes, or even an hour or more. The more you practice the more you will be able to extend your orgasm over time and experience more full-body, expanded and multiple orgasms.
What do Tantric Orgasms Feel Like?
Photo by Lucas Pezeta from Pexels
Everyone will experience their orgasm in their own way, and individuals will experience distinct orgasms at different times.
That said, Annie Sprinkle has described various types of expanded orgasm including the regular “tension and release” type orgasm, that is localized on the body such as clitoral, penis, nipple-gasms, micro-orgasms (sneeze-gasms, cellular-gasms, goosebumps aka orgabumps), dream-gasms, g-spot and cervical orgasms, breath and energy orgasms, combination-gasms or combination orgasms (both clitoral and g-spot), and finally megagasms which she describes as “the volcano or tsunami of all orgasms” which is “an intense fully body experience… that lasts an extended length of time.”[iv]
Other people have described Tantric orgasms as spiritual, feels like waves of pleasure going through the body, tingling all-over, especially the extremities (fingers and toes), contractions in the body, especially the genitals, rhythmical and voluntary movement, energy rushing up from the genitals to shoot out of the crown chakra, a release of tension, the release of hormones and neurochemicals (dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin and vasopressin), feelings of being “high”, orgasmic auras as well as visual and auditory hallucinations, loss of control, altered states of consciousness, trance states, ecstasy, expansion of the mind/body/spirit, connection to Source, release of emotions (laughter, giggling, crying), feeling as if you are in an expanded space and pure bliss!
What are the Benefits of Tantric Orgasms?
Why would one want to experience Tantric orgasms? The most obvious reason is more pleasure and stronger, longer lasting orgasms.
But here are some other benefits as well:
Altered states of consciousness, expansion of the mind, and feelings of being high.
Extended periods of orgasmic states of being.
Connection to spirit, Source, nature, the cosmos and universe.
Greater intimacy with your lover or yourself.
Improve relationships with your partner.
Greater self-love and body awareness/ acceptance.
Less stress, reduces anxiety, more relaxation, being less triggered by emotions, better sleep, fights off depression.
Increased blood flow to keep the genitals and body health, improving cardiovascular health and the heart’s function.
Increased feel-good hormones and natural pain relievers such as dopamine and serotonin to reduce headaches, menstrual cramps, aches and chronic back pain.
Happier, calmer, feeling good.
Aids concentration, creativity, and greater brain activity, and improves mental health.
Better health: Masturbation improves the immune system’s function, by increasing testosterone into the body to help the flow of the hormone DHEA, which reportedly helps reduce the signs of aging, reduces symptoms of menopause, reduces obesity, and may help reduce the risk of osteoporosis in older women by increasing bone mass, and boosts immunity.
Nipples. Oh, those wonderful parts of your body that Facebook and most online and traditional media don’t want to see – unless you’re a guy, then it’s perfectly A-OK. But like any part of your body, you should know a bit about them.
Nipple Facts
Areolas become darker on some women when they’re sexually excited.
Women in some cultures have been known to paint their nipples to darken them in hope of inspiring passion in their mates.
Some women have dark hairs that look almost like little eye lashes on the outer edge of the areola. Don’t fret. This is perfectly normal.
Each nipple has about 15 to 20 tiny openings. Some connect to milk ducts and some to Montgomery glands that produce a protective white, oily lubricant for the skin. The little whitish bumps let you know where some of these openings are.
Nipple Erections
When we get sexually aroused, the apocrine glands in the areolae release scented sweat, often referred to as pheromones. Although the odor is undetectable, it may subconsciously increase sexual attractiveness to your partner.
Unlike an erect penis, which enlarges as filled with blood, erect nipples are caused by contracting muscles under the skin.
Nipples become erect for many other reasons than sexual arousal, like if you’re cold or if fabric rubs against them.
Sometimes a woman’s nipples may not be erect when she is sexually excited.
Because large nipples have more nerve endings, they tend to be hypersensitive. (Go easy on them, guys.)
The areola—the dark-colored circle that surrounds the nipple—is actually more sensitive than the nipple itself.
About 10-20% of women have inverted nipples. They’re caused by shorter than usual milk-bearing ducts in the breast.
Nipplegasms Or Nipple Orgasms
Nipple orgasms are for real! Researchers at Rutgers University used fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) to view the brain activity of women touching themselves in various places. When the women were asked to stimulate their nipples, the data gathered revealed that nipple stimulation lights up the same part of the brain connected with genital stimulation.
Extra Nipples?
Some people have supernumerary nipples, or extra nipples. Guys have extra nipples more often than females; 1 in 18 males and 1 in about 50 females have them. And a very select numbers of people have as many five or six nipples. Extra nipples usually run down the abdomen, along the milk line. They’ve also been found on other locations, like on feet.
During medieval times, extra nipples were called “witches’ teats” or “witches’ marks”. They were believed to be a sign that person was consorting with diabolical forces or a witch who used it to feed her babies or lovers with her blood.
In 5th century Europe, nipple hardness was used to measure temperature. In fact, “Celsius” means “solid nipple”.
The Irish are a kinky bunch. Centuries ago, the king’s nipples were considered sacred, and his subjects showed their obedience by ritually sucking his nipples during royal ceremonies.
Basic Nipple Play
Nipple Play Tips
• Start out slow. Nipples tend to come to attention best with the lightest of touches.
• Focus on the upper quadrant of the areola, between 10 and 2 o’clock. It’s the most sensitive part of the bull’s-eye, especially on small nipples.
• Wait until nipples get hard before pinching, biting or playing with nipple clamps
• Not everyone likes their nipples played with. For some people, it can be annoying or unpleasant like tickling.
How to play with Clover Clamps
Alligator nipple clips are awesome! Just adjust the tensioner screw to find the right level of pain/comfort and so that they stay on and don’t fall off.
Nipple Clamp Tips
• To minimize pain shock, breathe in deeply just before putting nipple clamps on and let out a deep breath once they go on. When taking nipple clamps off, remove them slowly. Take in a deep breath right before releasing them, then take a long, slow breath out once they’re off.
• For first-timers, don’t wear nipple clamps any longer than 15-20 minutes
Previously Published at: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/nipples-the-owners-users-manual/
Why, oh why is the G-spot still called a mystery? Why do some medical experts doubt its existence?
Believe me, it’s there. At least it’s been there almost every time I’ve had sex or masturbated. It’s a part of the female anatomy that’s not taught in sex ed or anatomy classes because it serves no reproductive or “moral” purpose. Heaven forbid that the concept of sexual pleasure should be taught in high school or pre-med classes in college.
What is the G-spot?
The G-spot is a slightly spongy spot located on top of the vagina, about 2 inches from the opening. For those of you who have tried finding it with your fingers and had no luck, it helps to be sexually stimulated. The G-spot, like many other parts of your genitals and body, swells from the rush of blood that rises to the top of the tissue when you’re aroused. And, of course, don’t forget the lube. Even if you lubricate naturally, a little extra will make G-spot exploration and stimulation much more pleasurable and intense.
How to Reach It?
Unless you have long arms, hand or fingers or don’t have a lot of flexibility in your wrist, it can be difficult for a woman to find her own G-spot. When you find it, the trick is to rub on it with the pads of your fingertips. When you find it, you’ll feel a bit of resistance or pleasure.
Believe it or not, some women don’t like G-spot play. Applying pressure to the G-spot whether with fingers, a sex toy or a penis can feel uncomfortable. Don’t sweat it. That kind of reaction is the same as being pinched or tickled. Some people like it and others don’t.
Even if you don’t like having fingers or a penis pressing on the G-spot, you may like what a vibrator does to it. It’s a totally different experience. It can have the same kind of over-the-top intensity as using a vibrator on the clitoris or the labia majora or labia minora. It’s all about the vibration and all of those sensitive nerve endings that come up to the surface of the G-spot when you’re aroused. To get the most of your vibratorial G-spot play, use a bullet vibrator or a G-spot vibrator.
For the Guys
Now guys, you have no excuse for NOT finding the G-spot with your fingers. It’s easier for you than it is for her to find and reach for it. After you’ve properly gotten her aroused and wet or lubricated, insert one or two lubricated fingers inside her vagina. Don’t go straight in or deep. Curve your fingers upward about 2 inches in and massage it with the pads of your fingers. It will feel spongier and not as ridgy and rigid as the rest of her vagina. Chances are that you’ll hear a distinct change in her breathing and in the sound of her moans. If she can handle firm, fast and intense back and forth massaging, she may get some world-class orgasms. She may even ejaculate.
Best Positions for G-spot Sex
There are a few positions that are great for penetrative G-spot sex. Cowgirl (woman on top) is excellent. It allows her control the positioning the head of the penis to hit her G-spot. The trick of his position for the woman is to lean slightly forward and place her hands on his chest for support. However, body size – his and hers – can affect how well and comfortable this position can be. It also helps if a woman has strong quadriceps, the group of muscles on the front upper thighs.
The other position is for the woman to lie on her back and elevate her butt on a pillow so her vagina is angled upward. It helps if a woman can lift her legs up, wrap them around his back, or lift them onto his shoulders. The man should elevate his upper body with his hand on the mattress. The position, however, requires a lot of upper body strength for a man. An alternative is for the man to remain upright on his knees while penetrating his partner.
You may have to improvise to get the positioning right. It depends on the length and curve of a man’s penis and the length, size and position of a woman’s G-spot. Variances in body height, size and physical ability are factors too. Don’t sweat it if you have to do switch positions, do some experimentation, or if it takes several attempts to get it right. Every man’s penis is a different length and curvature. Every woman’s vagina is sized differently, G-spots have their own unique locations, and levels of arousal or even the phase of her menstrual cycle can affect can affect G-spot stimulation and pleasure. Body size and height are also factors in finding the position that’s just right.
Previously Published at: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/how-to-find-the-g-spot/
This is the first in a series of stories about what BDSM is and is not. I feel strongly about pointing out the facts because of all of the misconceptions and assumptions about BDSM there are in the general public. Some vilify it. Some think it’s a license for misogyny and to disrespect and abuse women. Some just have the wrong ideas of what it’s all about. The sad thing is that people have and pass along these beliefs without having any idea of what BDSM is all about. Even more frightening are the people who get into BDSM and do not fully understand what they’re getting into. I’d like to clarify things and hope that you’ll share this information with those who need it.
What is BDSM?
The basis of BDSM play is dominance and submission. A male Dom or female Domme (Dominatrix) takes the lead in directing BDSM play over (a) submissive partner(s). The “taking the lead” dynamic is known as power exchange.
What is Power Exchange?
Power exchange is based on a carefully negotiated agreement between a Dominant and a submissive. Each makes a joint consensual agreement over sexual acts that may and will not be carried out in their BDSM play. Just because a Dominant has control over BDSM play does not mean that they can overturn the “will nots” or hard limits set forth by a submissive. The Dominant has a responsibility of playing within the bounds of their agreement with the sub. While a Dominant may want to push a submissive’s limits, a submissive has freedom to control play with safe words. Safe words are generally green (go on, this feels good), yellow (slow down, take it easy) and red (stop, immediately).
When I say consensual, consent is the No. 1 rule. No exceptions. Ever. Safe words are always honored.
“Exchange” is the key word in power exchange. It’s not just about a Dominant directing acts solely for his or her enjoyment. Domination is not about entitlement to sexual acts and pleasure without reciprocation to a submissive. Being a submissive does not mean that he or she gives up the right to receive pleasure. Some of the role playing that takes place in BDSM play – like chastity play and orgasm denial – is not the literal meaning of denial. It just means that pleasure is delayed but is granted at some point, and is usually more intense than in most other situations.
Dominance & Submission
Being a submissive is not about lying back and making himself or herself the sole recipient of pleasure. There is just as much “work” involved for a submissive as there is for a Dominant. BDSM play is all about pleasure for both Dominant and submissive.
Being a Dominant comes with a lot of responsibility. A Dominant has the responsibility of knowing how to safely use the toys and implements he or she uses in BDSM play. A Dominant has the responsibility of monitoring of a submissive’s mental and physical well-being during and after sexual play.
Being a submissive does not mean being a doormat or being a lesser being to a Dominant. Being a submissive is purely about giving up control in BDSM play. Submissiveness should feel challenging, liberating and fulfilling. Being challenged should feel like a thrill or a dare, not anything that feels bad or demeaning.
Relinquishing control to a Dominant is built upon trust and respect of a submissive. Trust is built over time and respect is earned both ways. The act of submission is a gift to Dominant and should be respected and cherished. In social BDSM communities and gatherings, Dominants and submissives are some of the most respectful people you’ll ever meet. They take respect seriously.
Most importantly, Domination is not about inflicting physical pain for pain’s sake. There is a close correlation between pain and pleasure in BDSM sex. Learning and knowing that correlation between the two takes a lot of education in how it works and how to apply it. Domination is also not about inflicting emotional pain. Negative words that may be used during BDSM play are not to be taken literally or to heart, especially after a session ends. Negative words are simply part of the role playing that takes place during a BDSM session.
Think of Dominance and submission as being the positive and negative ends of a battery or a magnet. Positive does not mean good or better. Negative does not mean lesser or bad. Without polarity, there is no charge, and Domination and submission is all about creating a powerful sexual charge.
Previously Published at: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/what-bdsm-is-isnt-dominance-submission-power-exchange/
If you are looking for more intimacy and connection during sex with your partner, as well as balance your chakras, try these Tantra Sex Positions to enhance and integrate your divine feminine and masculine energies.
Tantra Sex Positions
Make a ritual to do these at least once a week with your lover and focus especially on weak or closed Chakras.
Rooted: Sit opposite your lover on the floor with legs crossed at the ankles, hold hands and look at each other as you tell your lover what makes you feel safe, grounded and confident.
Sexual Chakra: Sit opposite your lover on the floor with legs crossed at the ankles, lean in, hold hands and look at each other. Take turns speaking and listening as you share the following. When do you feel creative, sexually open and uninhibited?
Chakra Hug: Get into Yab Yum position; one lover in the other’s lap and press as many of your Chakras into each other as you can. Close your eyes and listen to each others breath for 2 minutes. Then discuss how this experience made you feel.
Intuition: Lean in, touch noses, join brows (third eye Chakras) and look into each others eyes until they appear to merge. Share an intuitive thought you’re having right now with your lover: “I love you and my intuition tells me that …. (finish the sentence)”.
Chakra Caress: Ask your lover to lie down and you kneel beside him/her. Gently caress each one of your lover’s charkas with your fingertips and express your adoration for each one.
Chakra Tune Up: Sit facing each other, ask your lover to close their eyes and take a deep breath. Ask your lover to respond to the following question for each of the following Chakras. Are you feeling strong or weak about your crown Chakra? Third Eye? Throat? Heart? Solar Plexis? Sacral? Root? Now alternate.
Confidence: Kneel in front of each other, hold hands and eye-gaze as you tell your lover what makes you feel confident and powerful.
Open Heart: Stand facing each other, heart to heart with arms around each other and take turns telling each other when you feel loving and compassionate.
Self Expression: Sit in a comfortable position facing each other, hold hands and eye-gaze. In two or three sentences, describe how you want other people to see and hear you.
Wisdom: Look at your lover in whatever position you are in, hold hands as you express one life lesson that you have learned.
Hip Circles: This exercise will open up your solar plexus, sacral and root Chakras. Stand up and face each other. With your knees bent slightly, push your pelvis forward; hands on hips. Now rotate your pelvis in large circles clock-wise 10 times and then counter-clock wise 10 times. Keep your head and feet still while moving only your pelvis area. Focus on opening up your sensuality.
Mind Over Matter: This stretching exercise will open up your crown, third eye and throat Chakras. Lie down flat on your back on a hard surface like the floor with your feet touching. Then raise your head, shoulders and back to a seated position. Place your hands on your hips or on the floor if you need support and tip your head back looking up to the sky. Breathe deeply through your nose and exhale through your mouth five times. Focus on opening up your mind.
Love Talk: Put your hand on your lover’s heart Chakra and tell him/her what you love most about them.
The term “disabilities” covers a range of conditions including both congenital and acquired disabilities.
Approaching love, romance and intimacy can be especially challenging when dealing with disabilities. While the desire for love and intimacy is the same for everyone, finding romance is complicated by physical limitations and psychological challenges in a judgmental world.
First, the reality is that everyone is a little bit broken, and we all face disabilities in the bedroom at some time or another. That’s the price of reaching adulthood. That is not to diminish the scope of challenges a person with disabilities may face, but it is hopefully a
reminder that we all bring personal struggles into a relationship.
You might hold the belief that sex with disabilities is a hassle and burdensome. The truth is
that sex with a disability can be better than sex without it.
Hassle is about attitude. For one person it may seem daunting to think creatively, maneuver, adjust, find alternative positions; for another it is a blessing. Navigating the
myriad possibilities of how to be intimate allows people to escape routine sexual habits and keep things interesting. It supplies the opportunity to expand the meaning and experience of sex, and that is anything but a hassle!
In The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability, authors M. Kaufman, M.D., C. Silverberg, and F. Odette explain it like this:
“Knowing when you get tired, realizing your limits, sensing when you’re aroused by even the slightest physical cue—all are things that come with practice and are gifts that many others don’t have. It’s often assumed that disability creates a split between a person and their body because of the things they ‘lost.’ While this may happen to some, for many of us it’s more true that learning to live without disabilities brings us closer to our bodies.”
“The only disability in life is a bad attitude.” –Scott Hamilton
Below are some myths about sex and disabilities that need to be eliminated to make way for accurate knowledge, sexual skill building and differently-abled, erotic, intimate experiences.
♥ People with disabilities are asexual.
♥ If it isn’t addressed, arousal won’t happen.
♥ Their genitals don’t work properly so they can’t experience an orgasm.
♥ Only certain kinds of people hook up with disabled partners.
♥ The disability is more important than sexuality.
♥ People naturally know how to have sex, and if they don’t, they shouldn’t be having it.
♥ It is better not to risk reproduction.
♥ Sexuality is not part of healthcare.
♥ They are either innocent, too pure to have sex with or helpless victims, unable to have good sex.
♥ People with disabilities aren’t at risk for sexual abuse.
The list above is 100% incorrect.
The hardest part of building a new relationship may be letting your guard down enough to allow for physical and sexual pleasure. Being hyper-aware of how you are “different” can hinder your ability to live fully in the moment. The single most important key in overcoming
this challenge is the exact same key that remains vital to any and all successful relationships: communication.
Sex is not something you’re born knowing how to do well. Human beings don’t intrinsically know how to perform sexual acts, but rather require years of education and guidance on the subject. In my work with differently-abled clients, we focus on three basic fundamentals that are actually universal and not specific to differently-abled partners:
What Your Mind Says
First, be aware of what you’re saying to yourself. One of the oldest clichés is “no one can love you until you learn to love yourself.” Well, the reason that it’s such an overly used phrase is that it’s so very true.
No matter what challenges life may have given you, before anyone will be able to truly love you, you have to be able to comfortably and confidently say three things:
1. I am worthy of love.
2. I am worthy of happiness.
3. I am worthy of respect.
4. I am worthy of great sex.
Yes, GREAT sex. Not “adequate.” Not “fine.” And certainly not “what the hell was that?” Say it with me now: I. Am. Worthy. Of. GREAT. Sex.
What Your Body Says
Not only is it important to pay attention to what your mind is telling you, you must listen and respect what your body is telling you. Your body is smarter than you are, so respect its signals, its red flags, and its orange cones that signal rough roads ahead. One of the exercises I recommend to my clients is to have a conversation with your body, including your most intimate parts. Give your body compliments and listen to your body’s responses as it will always tell you the truth and serve you well if you treat it like you are madly in love with it, all of it, inside and out.
If your sexual organs could talk, what would he or she say? And how would you respond?
While learning how to express yourself sexually, it’s important to masturbate. Not only is it pleasurable in a way that doesn’t involve being exposed to another person’s eyes, but also it’s very important learn or relearn one’s body, to explore, and be creative. Masturbation is good for your health as a form of stress relief, it boosts your mood by releasing pleasure endorphins, acts as a natural sleep sedative, and can even relieve some forms of chronic pain such as headaches.
In order to tell someone how to touch you, you first have to know how you want to be touched.
What Your Mouth Says
Now that you’ve made peace with the inner world, it’s time to express it to the outer world, most notably the ones you are inviting into your personal space. If you’re going to get to someplace beautiful, you might have to start someplace ugly: the cold, hard truth.
Talk about your limitations. Explain your fears, your history and your desires. Being vulnerable is the ultimate sign of strength so you must be bravely fragile and say “I don’t know what, if anything, will happen. I don’t know where this journey will take me but if you’re willing to try, I’m ready to go.”
People often think of sexuality as those physical behaviors that occur between the sheets — specifically, sexual intercourse, but a range of other behaviors and paradigms also encompass the term sexuality.
It is not about skill, but about honoring oneself and/or another individual(s) at that particular moment, similar to an interactive dance.
Yes, sexuality includes erotic fantasy, masturbation, procreation, and physical activity that can excite, (or is meant to excite) the genitals and/or the body’s eroticism. But it also encompasses fetishism, turn-ons, and sexual orientation, which can be much more fluid than simply straight, bi or gay.
Sexuality is expressed in various ways that may include affection, tenderness, the desire to give as well as receive pleasure, compliments, companionship, tolerance, intimacy, verbal and non-verbal communication and love.
Sex and sexuality are a state of mind. All are natural; all are multifaceted, fluid and expansive. It is the integration of physical, emotional, intellectual and social aspects of an individual’s personality.
Discover Your Own Happily Ever After
We get a lot of advice from the outside world on what our happiness should look like. Parents try to steer kids away from fruitless careers. Friends off er critiques of romantic partners. Strangers make judgments that can feel like standing in front of a firing squad.
Ultimately though, we must embrace the life and love that brings us the most personal joy. We alone must stand in the middle of the life we live on a daily basis. Sometimes the days are easy and sometimes they’re a battleground, so when you feel like you’re fighting for
survival, why not fight for a life you believe in? Creating a legacy that is truly an honest representation of who are you, without apology or remorse is an incredible thing to behold, and something we can all strive for.
It’s impossible to live a life free of mistakes and challenges. And, really, why would you want that? Without mistakes there can be no forgiveness, without forgiveness there can be no love! It is a glorious feeling to overcome the obstacles that cause us to occasionally trip
and fall. We learn, we grow, we evolve, we change, we love, we lose, and we love again.
As the errors of our ways come to light, it’s important to remember this: if you’ve made a mistake, apologize for what you’ve done, never apologize for who you are.
Embrace the things that make you different. Enjoy the journey and all its unexpected detours. Find the path that makes your heart sing.
Love the ones who inspire you to discover the best version of yourself. You’re living the story of your life, so make sure that you’re creating the best opportunity for a genuinely satisfying Happy Ending.
When you have one of those rare nights when you have lots of time to spend with your lover, plan a sensual massage. Sensual massage is all about relaxing the mind and the body, finding new ways and places to enjoy intimacy, and it can take the pressure off performance.
Setting the Mood and Things You’ll Need
Music: Set the mood with quiet music in the background that has a slow rhythmic beat. Think of your music choices, preferably acoustic instrumentals, as if it was subliminal seductive white noise. Youtube has some great sensual relaxation music, if you don’t have a clue to where to start looking for massage music.
Lights: Dim the lights and light some candles. Aside from providing a soft glow of light, soy and hemp seed oil candles are some the best massage lubricants you can use. They melt at lower temperatures, about 100 degrees, and the oils are safe and beneficial for your skin.
Massage Candles: I recommend massage candles that are made with essential oils that are skin-safe, absorb into the skin, and scent the air with “real” aromas. The power of aromatherapy goes a long way into setting a romantic mood. Resist the urge to buy massage candles that smell overly flowery or fruity. Guys have to wear this scent on their skin, too. Choose exotic and mysterious scents, and the candles burn up to 40 hours. And, no, melted massage candle wax does not dry hard or leave a waxy residue on skin. It soaks into skin like a moisturizer.
Massage Oils: Massage lotions and oils have their benefits, too. One of the biggest advantages to using massage lotion is that you can put a big dollop of it on your shoulder and take a swipe of it when you need more. It’s a lot easier than trying to find where you left the bottle. A key to a great massage is to keep your hands on your partner at all times with no interruptions.
Heated Oils: Massage oils feel best when they go on the skin warm. There are several massage oils that have ingredients that feel warm when you rub them into the skin or blow on them. There are also several excellent scented and unscented natural massage oils that can be easily warmed by keeping the bottles in a bowl of hot or warm water. Be warned that just like cooking oils, natural massage oils should be used within 45-90 days before they start smelling rancid. You can use them as a bath or after-bath body oil to make sure they don’t go to waste.
Why make a big deal about massage candles, lotions and oils? Because It’s easier to give and more pleasurable to receive a full-body massage when hands and skin or well-oiled. And the feeling of oiled hands, fingers and forearms sliding on your body is a sensual pleasure onto itself.
Massage Techniques
If you don’t know how to give a massage, don’t worry. Erotic, sensual massages aren’t intended to be therapeutic in a musculoskeletal kind of way. It fulfills a quench for touch and making love to your partner’s body, not just his or her genitals.
Tantric Massage: Tantric massage involves gentle touches that make contact with every part of the body. It’s all about seduction through pampering, exploring erogenous zones, slow and deep breathing, and clearing the mind. For as gentle and almost passive as it seems and feels, tantric sex does wonders for eliminating muscular tension, helping to make the body more limber and responsive for sex. For some people, tantric massage takes away a lot of performance anxiety.
Start by having your partner sitting in an upright position in front of you, then into your lap, and then lying on his or her back. Start by gently and slowly stroking your partner’s head, neck and hair before working your way down the body. Tantric massage is not about applying pressure; it’s about focusing on the most unsuspecting erogenous parts of the body, even the nose and eyebrows, sometimes only using fingertips.
Nuru Massage: Nuru means “slippery” in Japanese, and nuru massage is typically the kind of massage associated with Asian massage parlors. The key to this massage is having both partners oil their bodies so the partner giving the massage can slip and slide her (it’s usually the woman, but nothing says a man can’t do this)body on top of her partner’s body while stroking arms, legs, shoulders, back and other obvious places. Extremely well-oiled skin brings a whole new dimension to body-to-body contact and movement. It doesn’t take long until both partners are massaging each other, almost bypassing foreplay, and having the Disneyland Splash Mountain equivalent of sex.
Wet makes a super slippery nuru gel that’s specifically made for nuru massage, but most massage oils and melted massage candle waxes work just as well as I’ve learned from experience. You’ll also want to use an old sheet or a nuru sheet to protect your bedding.
Regardless of which technique you use, don’t fuss or stress out about mastering or completing it on the first, second or even 100th try. If it leads to mind-blowing sex, you’ve done it right.
Previously published at: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/make-your-sensual-massage-magical/
If you’re over 50 or have passed the menopause threshold, you probably assume that leading a sexy and delicious life is for the twenty and thirty-something porn stars and red carpet divas.
If you’re one of those women who thinks that way, you couldn’t be more wrong.
First of all, take a look at yourself. Do you look like your mother or grandmother at their ages? Are you doing the same kinds of things they did? If you grew up taught to believe that “good girls don’t”, haven’t you gotten to a point in your life to think for yourself?
The Female Body Was Made for Pleasure
The fact is that the female body is designed to enjoy pleasure and sex for a lifetime. Start by reading about the pleasure points of your body starting with your clitoris and vagina, and the many types of orgasms a woman can have. Spend some “me time” getting reacquainted with your sexual self. If you’re no stranger to masturbation but have gotten bored with the same old routine, try some new tricks.
Look into some sex toys. The choices go far beyond the cheap hard plastic phallic “personal massagers” you probably started out with as a young woman.
Vaginal Dryness
If vaginal dryness is a problem, have some fun trying out some lubes. The choices go far beyond what you can find at the health and beauty aisle of your local drug store or megamart. Needing lube is not a sign that you’re losing your sexual mojo. If you’re new to lube, you’ll probably wonder why you haven’t been using it all along. It makes sex in all of its wonderful ways so much more amazing.
Sex, Aging and Men
Remember that age has brought on some changes in your spouse or partner’s sexual self, as well. I’ve found that men over 50 have a different outlook on sex. They usually aren’t lusting after or looking to hook up with some young sexpot. They want someone they can actually talk to and connect with. They’re often more into taking things slower and more sensually.
Men over 50 often have physiological issues of their own. If so, be supportive in urging him to visit a physician. If the “little blue pill” doesn’t always do the trick, there are alternatives he can explore. Or maybe this is a great time to try out some new sexual techniques like erotic massage or tantric sex. Exploring new sexual options will have you feeling like newlyweds all over again.
Get in Shape
Perhaps you feel that your body can’t keep up with your newfound sexual self. After all, sex is a physical activity. It’s never too late to get in shape. If my 69-year-old lover can find a newfound obsession with running, so can you. If running isn’t your thing, yoga is a great no-impact way to regain some strength and flexibility and get your body into shape for some sexual positions you didn’t think were possible.
Always remember that sexy isn’t an age; it’s an attitude.
Always remember that sexy isn’t an age; it’s an attitude. If you’re finding that your new-found sexual self isn’t matching how you look, visit a cosmetics counter at your local department store for a makeover. Sometimes what dates us is hanging onto the same makeup routine that you got into decades ago. Maybe it’s time for a new ’do. Get a recommendation for a new hairstylist who will work with you like a blank slate. Put him or her to task with these three words: make me hot!
Sexy Lingerie
There’s no age limit to wearing sexy lingerie. If you’ve put a few pounds on over the years, there are lots of plus-size options out there that are just as sizzling if not the same as those that come in smaller sizes. We all have physical assets that turn on our partners and spouses. Flaunt them!
Previously published at: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/over-50-rediscover-your-sexual-self/
Over a year later and finally, many Chicago singles are fully vaccinated and ready to get back out there, in person, and start dating.
Apps like Hinge, Tinder, Match and Bumble are offering special incentives to people who roll up their sleeves, including badges showing vaccination status and free access to premium content. BLK and Chispa will boost profiles of those who are vaccinated, to make them more visible to potential matches. And OKCupid will even let users filter out potential partners based on whether they’ve gotten a vaccine.
The White House says the apps will also direct users to learn how to get vaccinated, including connecting them with educational materials and information on how to find the nearest vaccination site.
With incentives swirling, does this mean more people will get vaccinated in hopes of matching with a future potential partner?
One thing is for sure, with dating app use increase the past year, it’s safe to say dating online isn’t going to be affected by the pandemic ending and people dating in person again.
Priti Joshi, vice president of marketing strategy and operations at Bumble, has the data to back up the popularity of dating apps during the pandemic.
“Online dating has been widely normalized for some time, but I think that this time of social distancing really put a spotlight on the tools and platforms that help people feel connected to others without having to meet IRL,” Joshi said in an email. “For example, Bumble’s Voice Call and Video Chat feature had a nearly 70% increase in use after the State of Emergency was declared in the US last spring.”
With a dating pool as massive as the one Chicago has, it’s hard to limit yourself to only vaccinated singles. After all, many people assume statistics are on their side (Chicago Covid cases have been dwindling, now at positive rate of .4%, as the number of vaccinated rises, now at 55% vaxxed) and won’t limit themselves to dating only the vaccinated.
In fact, 65% of Chicago singles say they won’t stick to dating only vaccinated singles, which shows they trust in the science behind the vaccinations.
Alison Baker, a 12-year resident of Chicago, is fully vaccinated as of May and says she has already been on 2 in-person dates and is looking forward to a summer of dating.
“I had already timed out my first in-person dates for the weeks after I was fully vaccinated, according to CDC standards, at least. I was a bit nervous to see if I would get butterflies for someone again, that spark that hits you when you meet someone you’re already interested in. I sort of knew what to expect since I video dated both of them before agreeing to meet in person,” said Baker.
Tinder and Bumble were quick to roll out video-chat features when the pandemic first started, and they highly contributed to dating app downloads and usage.
Sixty percent of those surveyed said they will continue to use dating apps going into summer, as much as they were in spring.
It seems that it will indeed be the summer of fucks for many Chicago singles.
Chakra Hug: Get into Yab Yum position; one lover in the other’s lap and press as many of your Chakras into each other as you can. Close your eyes and listen to each others breath for 2 minutes. Then discuss how this experience made you feel.
