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Top sex education for adults featured posts and sexuality articles from our sex experts, sex coaches on everything from female orgasms, sexual pleasure, alternative lifestyle topics, couples sex advice and dating advice, masturbation and sexual empowerment, sexual health and wellness including men’s sexual problems like premature ejaculation and how to last longer in the bedroom.
Our Sex Ed featured articles include all the tips and techniques you need to know to make you a better lover such as the ultimate guide to anal sex, BDSM and kinky sex, oral sex, how to have the best orgasms, sexual relationship topics on how to spice up your love life, as well as female sexual anatomy and the erogenous zones including the clitoris, the cervix and cervical orgasm, all about the g spot, female ejaculation and g spot orgasms, the vagina and the vulva, penis facts and more.
Sexpert.com is an all-inclusive sex education site for adults and has many empowering articles on gender and sexuality, as well as articles for gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgender, sissies, and alternative lifestyles including cuckold and hotwife relationships, threesomes, polyamory and swinging. See our sacred sexuality topics including Tantra sex, yoni yoga, sexy goddess rituals, energy orgasms and more.
Explore sexpert articles from our top sex educators including Dr. Ava Cadell, Erika, Jordan, Anka Radakovich, Domina Doll, Carrie Borillo, Ralph Greco, Sunny Megatron, Tatyannah King, Dr. Hernando Chaves, Elle Chase, Debra Shade, Holly Bradshaw, and many more.
If you’re over 50 or have passed the menopause threshold, you probably assume that leading a sexy and delicious life is for the twenty and thirty-something porn stars and red carpet divas.
If you’re one of those women who thinks that way, you couldn’t be more wrong.
First of all, take a look at yourself. Do you look like your mother or grandmother at their ages? Are you doing the same kinds of things they did? If you grew up taught to believe that “good girls don’t”, haven’t you gotten to a point in your life to think for yourself?
The Female Body Was Made for Pleasure
The fact is that the female body is designed to enjoy pleasure and sex for a lifetime. Start by reading about the pleasure points of your body starting with your clitoris and vagina, and the many types of orgasms a woman can have. Spend some “me time” getting reacquainted with your sexual self. If you’re no stranger to masturbation but have gotten bored with the same old routine, try some new tricks.
Look into some sex toys. The choices go far beyond the cheap hard plastic phallic “personal massagers” you probably started out with as a young woman.
Vaginal Dryness
If vaginal dryness is a problem, have some fun trying out some lubes. The choices go far beyond what you can find at the health and beauty aisle of your local drug store or megamart. Needing lube is not a sign that you’re losing your sexual mojo. If you’re new to lube, you’ll probably wonder why you haven’t been using it all along. It makes sex in all of its wonderful ways so much more amazing.
Sex, Aging and Men
Remember that age has brought on some changes in your spouse or partner’s sexual self, as well. I’ve found that men over 50 have a different outlook on sex. They usually aren’t lusting after or looking to hook up with some young sexpot. They want someone they can actually talk to and connect with. They’re often more into taking things slower and more sensually.
Men over 50 often have physiological issues of their own. If so, be supportive in urging him to visit a physician. If the “little blue pill” doesn’t always do the trick, there are alternatives he can explore. Or maybe this is a great time to try out some new sexual techniques like erotic massage or tantric sex. Exploring new sexual options will have you feeling like newlyweds all over again.
Get in Shape
Perhaps you feel that your body can’t keep up with your newfound sexual self. After all, sex is a physical activity. It’s never too late to get in shape. If my 69-year-old lover can find a newfound obsession with running, so can you. If running isn’t your thing, yoga is a great no-impact way to regain some strength and flexibility and get your body into shape for some sexual positions you didn’t think were possible.
Always remember that sexy isn’t an age; it’s an attitude.
Always remember that sexy isn’t an age; it’s an attitude. If you’re finding that your new-found sexual self isn’t matching how you look, visit a cosmetics counter at your local department store for a makeover. Sometimes what dates us is hanging onto the same makeup routine that you got into decades ago. Maybe it’s time for a new ’do. Get a recommendation for a new hairstylist who will work with you like a blank slate. Put him or her to task with these three words: make me hot!
Sexy Lingerie
There’s no age limit to wearing sexy lingerie. If you’ve put a few pounds on over the years, there are lots of plus-size options out there that are just as sizzling if not the same as those that come in smaller sizes. We all have physical assets that turn on our partners and spouses. Flaunt them!
Previously published at: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/over-50-rediscover-your-sexual-self/
Over a year later and finally, many Chicago singles are fully vaccinated and ready to get back out there, in person, and start dating.
Apps like Hinge, Tinder, Match and Bumble are offering special incentives to people who roll up their sleeves, including badges showing vaccination status and free access to premium content. BLK and Chispa will boost profiles of those who are vaccinated, to make them more visible to potential matches. And OKCupid will even let users filter out potential partners based on whether they’ve gotten a vaccine.
The White House says the apps will also direct users to learn how to get vaccinated, including connecting them with educational materials and information on how to find the nearest vaccination site.
With incentives swirling, does this mean more people will get vaccinated in hopes of matching with a future potential partner?
One thing is for sure, with dating app use increase the past year, it’s safe to say dating online isn’t going to be affected by the pandemic ending and people dating in person again.
Priti Joshi, vice president of marketing strategy and operations at Bumble, has the data to back up the popularity of dating apps during the pandemic.
“Online dating has been widely normalized for some time, but I think that this time of social distancing really put a spotlight on the tools and platforms that help people feel connected to others without having to meet IRL,” Joshi said in an email. “For example, Bumble’s Voice Call and Video Chat feature had a nearly 70% increase in use after the State of Emergency was declared in the US last spring.”
With a dating pool as massive as the one Chicago has, it’s hard to limit yourself to only vaccinated singles. After all, many people assume statistics are on their side (Chicago Covid cases have been dwindling, now at positive rate of .4%, as the number of vaccinated rises, now at 55% vaxxed) and won’t limit themselves to dating only the vaccinated.
In fact, 65% of Chicago singles say they won’t stick to dating only vaccinated singles, which shows they trust in the science behind the vaccinations.
Alison Baker, a 12-year resident of Chicago, is fully vaccinated as of May and says she has already been on 2 in-person dates and is looking forward to a summer of dating.
“I had already timed out my first in-person dates for the weeks after I was fully vaccinated, according to CDC standards, at least. I was a bit nervous to see if I would get butterflies for someone again, that spark that hits you when you meet someone you’re already interested in. I sort of knew what to expect since I video dated both of them before agreeing to meet in person,” said Baker.
Tinder and Bumble were quick to roll out video-chat features when the pandemic first started, and they highly contributed to dating app downloads and usage.
Sixty percent of those surveyed said they will continue to use dating apps going into summer, as much as they were in spring.
It seems that it will indeed be the summer of fucks for many Chicago singles.
Do you need the experience to work as a webcam model?
More than ever since Covid, there has been a significant increase in people choosing to work from home as webcam performers and or setting up various membership fan-based online accounts to sell content. As most of us are aware, this came from the lockdown worldwide, where many were stuck home and seeking other ways to make a living and or occupy their time.
It has always been the assumption you have to be a model and actor/actress to have an online presence and attract a fan base, but that is not the case at all. In fact, the saying, everyone has a different cup of tea is very true in the adult industry as well. This saying stands true for my Swinger community members. In the past, I have been approached and told if I was more selective with my members I would have younger “prettier” members. Does younger and prettier mean that is what everyone desires? Does everyone want a Barbie and a Ken?
I wholeheartedly disagree with this assumption. Everyone is attracted to what they like. Maybe a certain hair color, eye color, tall, curvy, dark skin, light skin, so why pick a community based on just one appearance? The same goes with the adult industry, webcam performers, models, and content creators.
My guest on my podcast this week is why I decided to have this as the subject of my blog entry. She entered the industry later in life as did I, and she originally felt that no one would be interested in watching her cam or hire her to shoot as a porn performer, but she was proven wrong.
I really became intrigued when she shared with me in our initial email conversation that her shows are based on her scripts. She has over 30 characters she plays, my favorite was her teacher character. I do not want to give it away, as if you tune in to our interview on The Hankie Pankie Podcast, she will share her reasonings behind her brilliant marketing technique.
I have actually noticed that members of my Swinger club community who started a fan-based membership page during the pandemic and have more followers and fans than I do, even though I am the one with experience. Anyone can enter a webcam chat room and no matter what it is are you are attracted to, you can now find exactly what you are looking for. Small breasts, large breasts, performers with tattoos, performers with shaved heads, it does not matter.
To work in the adult industry or any career field and be successful is the willingness to listen and learn. We all make mistakes, but own them and take something away from that experience to improve. Talk to others in the field, watch other performers and even join their membership pages. Do not copy, but instead let your experience open up a creative side of you to develop your own niche and your own marketing and branding technique that works for you.
It will ultimately come down to your personality, your work ethic, and your willingness to learn and grow in this career just like any other. As I always say, you only have one life to live be true to yourself. You control your destiny. Till next time.
A few weekends ago, we had one of those rare weekends with high temperatures in the 70’s. We just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do something fun outdoors, and what could be more fun than sex in a hot tub?
Luckily, I live relatively close to an outstanding outdoor hot tub spa. Each of the private outdoor “rooms” are decorated in a theme.
If you’re thinking that themed rooms are tacky, these are not. We got the Oahu room, which is surrounded by high privacy walls and fences complete with a waterfall. (On a previous visit, we had the Vancouver room that’s furnished in a rustic lodge feel with a gas fireplace.) There’s also a selection of piped-in music to set the mood. An acoustic strings channel was quite fitting for the dreamy post-brunch state of mind we were already in.
Regardless of the surroundings, hot tub sex is … well … pretty damn hot. The sensations of feeling weightless and buoyant in the warm, bubbling water is a sensual experience onto itself. It also lends to some sex positions that wouldn’t be possible or nearly as comfortable on a bed or in a chair. If you have sizable weight or height differences, being in the bubbly, shallow water makes many more positions do-able.
He sat back while I straddled his hips and effortlessly pumped and ground myself on top of him. While I was expending most of the energy and action, it hardly felt if I was at all. If it were physiologically possible to make love all day, sex in a hot tub would be the way to do it.
While waterproof battery-operated toys can be fun in a hot tub, they really aren’t necessary if you catch my drift. On both visits, we never thought about using sex toys.
Before Your Dive Into Hot Tub Sex…
Before jumping into a hot tub sex outing, there are a few things that you should keep in mind.
Pay heed to medical conditions. Hot tubs are a “no-no” for pregnant women or people with heart conditions.
If you need to use a lube, use a silicone lubricant. It won’t wash away like a water-based lubricant, although chances are you won’t need it.
If you’re a woman prone to yeast infections, chlorine can mess up your Ph balance. It might be a good idea to add some yogurt to your diet before and after hot tubbing.
If you rely on spermicide or condoms for birth control, have another plan and or be creative with your sex play. Both are less effective in water.
Whether or not you get your nookie on in a hot tub, make sure that it’s clean and properly maintained. Vaginal and other infections are so unsexy.
Previously published at: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/hot-hot-tub-sex/
***I will be discussing PTSD, Depression, Suicide and a very brief mention of Child Sexual Assault. Please make sure you are in a good place, both mentally, and physically when you read this. ***
Introductions
Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash
Good morning, my name is Herne. I was lucky enough to be given the opportunity to contribute to Sexpert.com. I say lucky because I have no formal training or higher education related to this site, no letters after my name and I still get to work with so many amazing people who are doing important work.
Now do not get me wrong, I have plenty experience in life, love, relationships and sex. I have been married for about 25 years, have teenagers who have had their own dating and relationship woes and have found myself as a sounding board for a great number of my friends and family.
I am a retired Military Vet and a former Police Detective who specialized in Special Victim Cases, mostly Child Sexual Assault and Child Pornography. I have talked to more than my fair share of perverted people, they were just the bad perverts, not the good perverts like you and me. So, I am here to add my blue-collar voice on a variety of topics.
I am a work boots and blue jeans wearing, small town living, incredibly handsome guy who used to be ignorant about a great many things; however, I have met people who have trusted me, shared painful experiences with me, taught me and helped me realize the world was bigger than me.
PTSD and Your Penis … No, This is Not a Buddy Cop Movie
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Today I would like to talk to you about one of my favorite topics, my penis. Well, not just mine, but that’s the one I have the most experience with. Specifically Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and its effects on our sex lives and by extension, our partners lives.
Part one of this article will talk about how PTSD, and related issues, can cause Erectile Dysfunction (ED). I’ll tell you how my wife and I handled it, things we tried, and what people who know a heck of a lot more than me say.
Part 2 will go to the other extreme and we will discuss hypersexuality and risk taking caused by PTSD.
Part 1: Erectile Dysfunction
Photo by Download a pic Donate a buck! ^ from Pexels
Between my deployments and seeing graphic images of Child Sexual Abuse, I began to retreat within myself. I began having nightmares and being hyper-vigilant and angry; however, I never had issues with my erections, until I did.
I can still remember the first time as if it were yesterday. I walked out of the bathroom, and my wife made a comment that was supposed to be sexy, but I had heard a similar comment by one of my “customers” before he would hurt children. I lost my erection faster than a politician takes a bribe. I thought I could fix it, maybe some foreplay would help, but nothing worked that night. I will tell you, that night broke me.
One of the worst things about ED is that often it is mental[i]. Failure to get erect once will make you stress about it the next time, which makes it more likely you will not be able to get hard again. When you fail again, it starts all over, and over, and over, worse each time. Luckily, I had an amazing partner who never blamed me, belittled me, or pressured me.
Lying Just Makes Things Harder, and Softer
Image by ErikaWittlieb from Pixabay
In the meantime, I was walking around like Mark Ruffalo about to turn into the Hulk. I was always angry. You will hear people with PTSD say they feel like they go from 1 to 10 on the anger scale at the drop of a hat. Truth is, many of us walk around at 8, but since we are always at 8, that is our new baseline. Clearly, 8 to 10 is not a big jump.
Because of my anger, my crying while I was alone in my car, and my refusal to go anywhere but work and home, my wife convinced me to go see someone. Looking back, this was one of the Top 5 things she has ever done for me, but as usual, I made a mistake that I hope whoever is reading this does not make.
The doc diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. As he was talking about medication, he asked me about any sexual issues such as ED. I proudly told him no, everything was working great. I put on a performance like Jennifer Lopez in the movie Gigli. Honestly, I should have won an Oscar for how believable I was.
If there is one thing I can talk about, it’s my little man and I would be damned if I told this shrink (no pun intended), I could not get it up. I was a rough, tough killer, I had been to war and back. I am pretty sure I even offered to show him my little warrior at one point. The point is, I lied.
I guess you can imagine what happened next. My libido dropped and if I thought I was flaccid before; my little mister was like a turtle in the middle of the highway. He was stuck in his shell and nothing brought him out.
Friends, if you don’t know or haven’t heard, a great many medications can cause low libido and interfere with erections[ii]. Now, remember that vicious cycle I talked about earlier, add in a medicine whose side effects made sex as interesting to me as staring at a beige ceiling, and it was miserable. So, what changed?
There is Help, You Just Have to Reach Out
Image by Ulrike Mai from Pixabay
To be blunt, I tried to kill myself. Not over my ED, but my PTSD was getting worse and worse and I was lying about how great the medicine was for my mental health. I kept heading downhill until my wife walked in the bedroom one evening right before I was about to take several handfuls of pills. She did not realize what was going on at the time. After she left the room, I knew I could not do it.
The next day I went to see my “Crazy Doctor”, also known as a psychiatrist. I was hospitalized for the next 45-ish days. While I was in the hospital, I finally told the truth about how the medicine was affecting me, my moods, my thoughts, and my junk. Being in a hospital is a great place to try different medications because I was safe. When I say safe, we could not wear shoes with laces, which is why we called them “Danger Shoes”, and they were locked away. We tried different combinations of meds until we found one that I was stable on.
On a side note, if you have not tried therapy because you think it’s “stoopid” or makes you look “weak” or will not work, please slap yourself. Good, now slap yourself one more time and then listen up. THERAPY WORKS!!!
I cannot tell you how much I hated myself, how worthless I felt and how much of a failure I thought I was. If you do not believe that way of thinking has any effect on your Lincoln Log, you are kidding yourself.
A study on PTSD and Sexual Dysfunction found that “particular PTSD clusters and symptoms have been studied, and it was hypothesized that autonomic arousal, anger/hostility, emotional numbing/avoidance symptoms, and chronic autonomic arousal and intrusive symptoms were mostly associated with sexual problems among veterans with PTSD. “[iii]
During my time in the hospital, I saw a bunch of battle hardened, jaded, angry young men cry like babies, but after a few weeks of alternating between anger and tears, we started smiling and joking with each other. Then one day in the shower, I was washing Mr. Tiny and he turned into Mr. Not-as-Tiny, and even though we were not supposed to “engage in any sexual activity”, I rode that little guy for all he was worth! What was the difference? My thought patterns. I was dealing with my anger, guilt and lack of self-worth. I stopped hating myself and started to accept what I had seen and done.
Intimacy then Sex
Photo by Ariel Camilo from FreeImages
When I got home, my wife and I went to see a marriage counselor. We had a lot to work out to be able to be truly intimate. A true relationship is a team event, I do not care if you are taking on the local rugby team or one quiet, tiny submissive. If all parties are not consenting (even consensual non-consent), it will be a bad day for someone.
It took us both to work on our intimacy and my penis (pun intended). She was supportive and understanding and times when instead of saluting her beauty, my delicate dude went into turtle mode, she told me it was ok and started kissing me and she was kind enough to let me pleasure her.
Side Note: People, if you have not taken time to pleasure your partner without expecting anything back, you are missing out. That simple exercise helped us tremendously. Remove the pressure and you will be surprised what works.
If you are reading this and are thinking you have PTSD and have no issues with ED, it may only be a matter of time. According to a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine “by some estimates, nearly one in five U.S. soldiers returning home from Iraq and Afghanistan suffer from PTSD. And the majority of these veterans-those age 40 or below, who are in the prime of their sexual lives—face an 81 percent higher risk of sexual problems than those without a PTSD diagnosis, further research released last year in the same journal suggests a stronger link: Servicemen with probable PTSD were 29 times as likely as those without PTSD to report ED. Among men with genital injuries, for comparison, the risk of ED went up only nine-fold.”[iv]
What Works to Make it Work?
Photo by geralt from Pixabay.com
I can hear you already saying “Herne, cut to the chase man, what worked”. Understanding from myself and forgiveness for myself. Communication and patience from my partner.
Dr. Benjamin Breyer, a researcher based out of UC San Francisco stated, “educating patients and trying to remove the stigmas associated with sexual dysfunction is important so people who suffer from sexual dysfunction actually get treatment.”[v] Author and Mental Health researcher Rachael Yehuda said “Explaining the biological connection between PTSD and low libido or difficulty with intimacy can also help partners or spouse support a loved one who is experiencing sexual dysfunction.”
Antidepressants have helped tremendously, even knowing the side effects, they are worth it to me. PTSD does not heal itself; you may limp (ok, pun intended) along coping with life, but that’s not really living.
According to the Mayo Clinic, “Post-traumatic stress disorder treatment can help you regain a sense of control over your life. The primary treatment is psychotherapy but can also include medication. Combining these treatments can help improve your symptoms.”[vi]
On the mechanical side, I learned that foreplay helped me immensely. Focusing on my spouse helped take the focus and pressure off of me. I took Viagra as well, just remember, if you are battling PTSD or Depression, no amount of Viagra alone will help. According to healthline.com “Viagra does not work on its own, you still need to feel sexually aroused to get an erection.”[vii]
I have used a penis pump as well. Now, you have to be very careful with these, you can’t slap it on and just start pumping yourself because you can cause some serious damage. If you really want to torture yourself, google penis pump accidents and read some horror stories.
In addition to using a penis pump, you need a way to keep the blood in your penis, so I chose to use a c-ring, also known as a constriction ring or a cock ring. The pump helps pull blood into your penis and the ring helps keep it there.[viii]
***NOTICE*** I am not giving you ANY medical advice; I am telling what worked for me. These things can go wrong very quickly and by wrong, I mean you can potentially lose your penis. I had a doctor who was cooler than the other side of the pillow and I was able to talk to him about these things. Make sure to see a doctor, health professional, sexpert, or expert before you try a penis pump, c-ring, or similar erection assistant.
At the end of the day, if you have untreated PTSD or depression, nothing you do physically/mechanically to get an erection will help or at least not for long. I cannot stress enough that you need to get help.[ix]
As much as I enjoy sex and being intimate with my wife, and yes, they are different, I would have neither if I had killed myself. If you get appropriate help, the intimacy can come back and the sex will follow. If you are getting help for your mental health and you are stable, ask your doctor about ways to help ED. Changing medications or a combination of medications can help. Viagra, or Cialis, or something similar may be what you need, but these are secondary to you being in the right mind.
Strength is Fighting When Your Demons Tell You to Lay Down
Photo by Evelyn Chong from Pexels
I have outlived my attempted death by 16 months. I still occasionally use Viagra, I occasionally use a cock ring, but more often, I slip in the sheets, I kiss and touch my wife, talk dirty, and enjoy her body and more often than not, my tiny Soldier man stands at attention.
I want to leave you with a final thought. I had a good friend who was a trans woman. She was in the Army with me and she taught me a lot about myself and how to see others. She changed me into a better person and for the better.
She got out of the Army and battled her demons until she could no longer fight. Three years ago, she took her life. She would always tell me “Every day, you have to wake up and fight your fight. Every night when you go to bed, you won, so be a winner for those around you!” She had a lot of fight, more than I will ever know. She still won because I am here, and I am passing on what I have learned to you.
[iii] Letica-Crepulja, M., Stevanovic, A., Protuder, M., et al, “Predictors of Sexual Dysfunction in Veterans with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder”, 29 Mar 2019, National Center for Biotechnology Information, retrieved 24 Jun 2020 from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6518171/
[v] “Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)”, 6 Jul 2018, The Mayo Clinic, retrieved 24 Jun 2020 from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20355973
[vi] “Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)”, 6 Jul 2018, The Mayo Clinic, retrieved 24 Jun 2020 from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20355973
[vii] Jewell, T., “How Long Does Viagra Last?”; 15 Jun 2020, Healthline, retrieved 24 Jun 2020 from https://www.healthline.com/health/erectile-dysfunction/how-long-does-viagra-last#when-it-starts-working
[viii] Roland, J., “Penis Pumps: How to Use, Where to Buy, and What to Expect”, 19 Apr 2018, Healthline, retrieved 24 Jun 2020 from https://www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/how-to-use-a-penis-pump
[ix] Lo, M., “Can Untreated Complex PTSD Kill or Become Life-Threatening?”, Traumatized Auspie, retrieved 24 Jun 2020 from https://traumatizedaspie.com/complex-ptsd-if-left-untreated/
The Kama Sutra has been a source of great mystery and excitement for lovers seeking sexual adventure. The Kama Sutra is Sanskrit (ancient Hindu language) for Desire Rules and is the earliest and best known Indian sex manual. It was written by an Indian sage, Vatsyayana between the 1st and 4th Centuries AD. Then it was translated into English by the 19th Century British explorer Sir Richard F. Burton in 1876. With each translation, the Kama Sutra’s contents have become more distorted, so I would like to give you the explanation of the original Kama Sutra.
The Kama Sutra is renowned for its creative sexual positions, a total of 64 that Vatsyayana derived from eight ways of making love, multiplied by eight positions.
I was impressed when I found out that the Kama Sutra reveals a total of 40 different ways to kiss your lover, but I was disappointed to discover the Kama Sutra’s distaste (excuse the pun) to oral sex. Vatsyayana wrote, “It should not be done because it is opposed to the moral code.”
The writer may not have been orally inclined, but he was definitely into BDSM because he recommends biting and scratching as ways of improving lovemaking.
There are some interesting flirting and seduction tips in the Kama Sutra for men who want to be irresistible to women; it recommends that he tie the bone of a peacock or a hyena to his right hand.
Problems with male impotency were obviously prevalent during this time because the Karma Sutra offers a unique recipe for male sexual enhancement. Boil sparrows’ eggs in milk and then mix with clarified butter and honey. I’m not sure if you are supposed to swallow it or spread it on the Lingam (Sanskrit word meaning his Wand of Light).
My favorite quote in The Kama Sutra is, Divine Union which means sexual intercourse because for me it conjures up images of two loving people integrated into oneness.
Actually only about 20 per cent of The Kama Sutra is devoted to sex. The remainder is on relationship etiquette with tips on how to arrange your home and how to achieve happiness, kind of Martha Steward Living in Antiquity. It suggests that you should adorn your home with flowers, have a soft bed, and keep a pot for spitting in. Not bad advice even for today!
The way we define our sexuality is as unique as the way we define ourselves, and the key is to understand what all the various terms mean. What if you didn’t have the word “straight” in your vocabulary. What if the terms heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, et cetera, did not exist? One less topic of division and judgement. How different would you behave? We can all play a part in getting to a space where orientation, expression and presentation isn’t a trigger for anyone.
Photo by spl.ids.ag.uk
The Difference Between Sex and Gender
There’s a lot of information out there about sex and gender. And by sex, I don’t mean the various activities that could make up the act of sex. I mean the biological differences between males and females and the fact that gender is not the same thing. As a result, sex and gender are often confusing subjects for many. Sex refers to a person’s biological characteristics. While most people determine sex based on external genitalia, it also involves hormone ratios, chromosomal makeup and more. In other words, sex may not be as simple as you assume.
What is Intersex?
Since medical professionals often rely on external observations instead of internalized medicine or tests to assign sex categories, designated female at birth or assigned male at birth. The use of “intersex” is to designate individuals who, at birth, may not physically match the expected norms of male and female. Intersex individuals are as common as red heads. These assignments are based on a visual presence of a penis, clitoris, or a version of both.
Photo by Luan Lustosa from Pexels
What is Gender versus Gender Identity?
Gender, in contrast, is often used in reference to at least three factors: presentation, social roles and identity. If someone assigned as female at birth likes pink, for example, we associate pink as a “feminine” color and thus socially appropriate. If someone assigned as male likes pink, that individual may be bullied for liking a color associated with what the culture deems feminine. In this way, a person can use norms to present their gender to the world.
Gender identity, however, is invisible. It is the person’s idea of themselves. While it may be influenced by the society around them, it is often tested by questions like, “If there was no judgement, what would you want to look like?” Gender identity does not have to fit the presentation, social norms, or even the expectations of the person’s body. Someone can identify as a mix of genders, such as bigender, or feel they move between genders, such as gender fluid. They could even identify as having no gender at all, such as agender.
What is Transgender?
The term transgender, which is an adjective, is often used as an umbrella term to refer to people whose sex does not line up with their presentation and identity (among other characteristics, but naming just the two to help you get a basic understanding). For people whose sex, presentation, and identity line up, the term is cisgender. So, if you were born with a vulva and vagina, have always felt you were a girl or woman, and present yourself as such to society, you are considered a cis woman.
How to Ask About People’s Pronouns
So, although it may be human nature to be curious, being respectful means respecting people’s privacy. Do not ask people about their status or whether they plan to have surgery. Asking about their pronouns is OK. Also, give basic dignity and respect. If someone introduces themselves to you and says their name is Paula, but you had heard their name was Paul, this person is telling you their name is Paula. Just go with it. The only person who has the power to label you, is YOU!
LGBTQIA* Terms & Pronouns
So, let me share some general information about several terms the LGBTQIA* community uses which will make you a great ally. For starters, a binary system is something made up of two opposing parts. Gender (man/woman) and sex (male/female) are examples of binary systems.
Bisexual: A term that describes someone who is attracted to both men and women, or to more than one gender identity.
Gay: It is common for “gay” to be used by anyone who is attracted to their same sex or gender.
Gender Expression: How we express our gender identity on the outside.
Gender Identity: Our internal, personal sense of what our gender is. Everyone has a gender identity. You should also know the pronouns that can be used based on preference. They, Them, Theirs. He, Him, His. She, Her, Hers, Z. e, Hir, Hirs. Xe, Xem, Xyrs. Nothing. Yes, not choosing a pronoun is OK too.
“With rugged good looks, unforgettable on-screen performances, and stellar acting skills, Dante Colle is the performer everyone wants on their set,” reads Dante Colle’s bio. “The sexually fluid adult star is known as hippie in the streets for his RV living, health-centric lifestyle, sense of adventure, flying down the highway on his motorcycle and skydiving, and GQ in the sheets for his ability to envelop any character and still be a professional in bed.”
Well with a description like that, y’all knew that the Feminist Sexpert would be compelled to interview superstar Dante Colle for this week’s edition of The Feminist Sexpert Interviews! Ladies, you’re welcome. You so owe me lunch.
From the film Deeper.
Dante Colle recently won Best Male Performer of the Year from the 2021 AltPorn Awards, winning his debut nomination from that awards program. In addition to winning one of the night’s biggest awards, Dante is the first man to win two, let alone a total of four Male Performer of the Year awards from the Grabbys, Trans Erotica, ALTPorn, and XBIZ Awards–and all in a single year.
Dante has taken home trophies for his scene work, Best Supporting Actor, and Performer of the Year from AVN, GAYVN, XBIZ, Grabbys, AltPorn, TEAs and Straight Up Gay Porn Awards. He’s also scored multiple noms for AVN, XBIZ, XBIZ Cams, GAYVNs, Pornhub, TEAs, Str8UpGayPorn Awards, Grabbys, AltPorn Awards, and Cybersocket Awards. He’s been profiled by AVN, XBIZ, Instinct Magazine, Metro Weekly, and MEAWS and was featured on World of Wonder’s social media. His worldwide fans have seen him in Breaking Glass Pictures’ documentary Pornstar Pandemic: The Guys and Vice TV’s Slutever.
Yet beyond his gorgeous, rebellious image, and all of his accolades as a “Crossover Star” of het, gay, trans and alt porn (he started in the adult industry at age 18 by responding to a Backpages ad for Corbin Fisher and was exclusive for his first four years in the biz), Dante remains a courteous, good-humored gentleman who seems humbled by his success.
“I always just like to give 100 percent to every role I play,” he said. “Every job I do in this business.”
A look at Dante’s most recent scenes reflects the diversity of his career. His latest DVDs are Deeper’s “Cuckold’s Plight 3” and Grooby’s “Daisy Taylor: TS Superstar.” Dante’s latest scenes are Pure Taboo’s “Unqualified” (puretaboo.com/en/video/puretaboo/Unqualified/185990) and Penthouse’s “Rocky Emerson Gets Blackmailed By Her Stepbrother” (penthousegold.com/scenes/rocky-emerson-gets-blackmailed-by-her-stepbrother_vids.html). On June 30th his latest scene for Devil’s Film “Menage A Trans #07 – Casey Kisses & Lauren Phillips” will be available. One of these scenes, “Unqualified,” represents what I as a feminist porn historian call something of a landmark.
Set at a corporate office, the scene focuses on a young man who discovers that he has been hired to sexually satisfy his female boss (Cherie DeVille)–oh, and the female HR officer too (Joanna Angel).
In my history as a feminist porn analyst, I’ve never seen this scenario enacted in a hardcore scene. The Feminist Sexpert hereby demands a sequel.
“(Director and star) Joanna Angel said it was weird, that it was the first scene in which she dominated a guy,” says Dante. “People told her that it wouldn’t sell. I told her that was crazy–it was fun! And the scene is getting a lot of response.”
Angel joins an elite group of female hardcore directors that Dante has worked with and truly admires–others include Jacky St. James, Mr. Pam and Kayden Cross–and with woman positive sites that include Lust Cinema and Bellesa Films. And many of his scenes are female-friendly–in the Filthy Femdon scene Shakedown, he plays a vile, sexist boss dominated and punished by Daisy Ducati and Chanel Preston. Kinda like 9 to 5, but hot. And Dante starred in the debut male-focused clip from VR studio VRFanService, in which the viewer can experience a Boyfriend Experience-style date with him.
“I find that a set supervised by a woman director is more calming,” he said. “It’s a different influence. She cares about the story, about making something good.”
Dante also cares about this, and–in spite of his openness about accepting roles in many porn genres–he refuses those that includes elements with which he feels uncomfortable–such as those that involve hard bondage, bodyshaming, anti-gay slurs, etc. Respect rests at the cornerstone of his performance; and he names his favorite performance to date as his role in the life story of Casey Kisses, a noted trans performer and a good friend of his. Adult Time’s Casey: A True Story was directed by Joanna Angel.
“Beyond being a good porn film, it was a good feature film,” he said. “It was Casey’s story.”
Dante Colle (INC.) on Twitter @HippieGQ_
Dante’s story only promises to get better as his star continues to brighten; and, after speaking with him, I can make the unqualified statement that it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. The Feminist Sexpert approves!
Dante Colle recently changed his Twitter, IG and TikTok handles to @hippiegq_. And, fates be thanked, he has an Only Fans at https://onlyfans.com/dante_colle.
Lastly, the man who has broken barriers in the adult industry encourages his fans to do the same in life.
“Don’t let anyone tell you how things should be,” he said. “Don’t let anyone tell you how to lead your life.”
Rejection is a feeling we generate within ourselves when our targeted prospect appears to rebuff us. But it is the situation that is being turned down, not you. A famous Hollywood actress once joked about the many “rejections” she received before achieving her ultimate success. Of the various roles for which she auditioned, she was, she laughed, “too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, too glamorous, too plain, and on and on.” In other words, she learned that rejection is temporary and situational. In fact, this actress, who is a very “Pretty Woman,” also admitted to having been rejected numerous times by the opposite sex. So you see, everyone on this planet has been rejected by someone, somewhere at some time or other.
In a vast, ever-moving sea of five billion people, your quota of rejection may actually be smaller than you think. According to a couple of Webster’s many definitions of rejection, the word can simply mean “to refuse to take,” or “to decline.”
Do you suppose flowers feel rejected if you don’t pick them? No, they can bask in their beauty whether anyone picks them or not. Do animals at the pet store feel rejected if you are unable to give them a good home? Who knows, but your rejection of the pet does not mean it is an unworthy animal. And most likely, the little animal will attract the right home despite many “rejections.”
Let’s take this definition game a bit further. If we look up “rejection” in Roget’s Thesaurus, we find corresponding terms like “setback” and “reverse.” These are not quite so scary as a downright refusal. Setbacks are only delays, and reverse just means to turn around and keep going until you find the right direction.
Curiously, rejection can be one of your guardian angels. Rejection may be an indicator of wrong timing, the wrong pathway, or the wrong situation for you. Rejection may be fate barring you from an even worse experience than being turned down. Rejection may mean that you’ve been spared a limited partnership with someone who is not quite on your wavelength. Or rejection can be nature’s way of telling you to reassess who you are and what you want.
Rejection In Dating
Rick, a 35-year-old single man, submitted a personal ad with his photo to an internet dating service. While he received both favorable and unfavorable responses, he discovered what the famous actress had learned: a rejection can indicate that it is just not the right time and place for what you are seeking.
“I was too bald for one person and not bald enough for another person; too young or too old,” Rick said, expressing frustration. But he learned something important about rejection: “I began to question where I really fit in; I read magazine articles about other people like myself. I decided I needed to broaden my horizons and interests. The rejections were not about my age and hairstyle. I had to reevaluate how I was presenting myself, and to whom. Maybe my ads weren’t being seen by people compatible with who I am.”
Rejection is a feeling of powerlessness that can make you falsely feel you are not in control. Someone turned you down; the final decision was in their hands. But you are in control; that is the key. As an adult, you have the power to let rejection work for you, not against you.
When you feel rejected, it is nature’s way of telling you to take the power back. Rejection is just a stepping stone to get you from one side of the river to the other, or shall we say, one goal at a time. Rejection can be momentary. The situation may change, or the targeted date may change his/her mind at another time. Rejection is just a healthy signal to move on, for the moment.
What Rejection Is Not
Rejection is not failure.
But a rejection can make you feel that you have failed. It is this feeling of failure which it becomes necessary for us to conquer. Otherwise, a simple turn-down can be blown out of proportion to reality.
The sense of failure you experience may be telling you that you are taking on too much responsibility for the situation. Many reasons exist as to why another person may say “no”, and those reasons are rarely a personal attack on you. Stop and think twice before you let other people’s “cold-shoulder” cause you to feel like an unacceptable human specimen. You don’t know what is going on in their lives. They may already be attached, they may have health or financial problems, they could be moving to another state, they may be afraid of being hurt, they may be unhappy with their job, or their dog could have just died.
Rejection is not a total loss, even though it feels that way at first. We just met the one person who we think is everything we have been looking to find… and to our absolute shock and dismay, that person has the temerity to turn us down. Will we ever meet anyone like this again?
In a world of millions of single people, the possibilities of who you can meet defy imagination, especially as the world grows much smaller through computers and more social mobility. This temporary feeling of loss is a grieving for the intimacy we hoped we had, at last, found. And it slipped through our fingertips by a single “no.”
What did you do wrong? What did you say wrong? Why doesn’t the other person see your compatibility with him or her? While it can be helpful to analyze your appearance or your approach, don’t sweat the small stuff. You met someone in a fleeting moment; it was simply an opportunity that didn’t come to pass. You never lost what you never had. The person or situation simply may not be as compatible as you first thought it to be. And, “the fish that got away” makes room for a whole new school of fish that will swim in your direction.
Rejection is Not Final
You may run into that potential great love again and see each other differently. Why not keep the door open? You never know what can come out of a chance encounter: maybe a friendship or a good business connection.
Suzanne is a cheerful, middle-aged woman who refuses to accept rejection. She follows up until people absolutely slam the door in her face. Eventually one of her rejecters matched her up with his best friend.
“Another man who blew me off in the worst way asked me out a year later,” Suzanne said. “He explained that he hadn’t been ready for anyone like me when we first met; but when he looked me up a year later, we had a great time together.”
Rejection is not a terminal illness unless you make it so in your mind. Rejection is not a stopping point, only a detour. And anyone’s rejection of you is not a finalized evaluation of you or your character. Only you and those close to you can determine that.
Another woman, Kyra, was rejected by a good-looking younger man who lived next door to her best friend Elise. Kyra was not looking or feeling her best before this happened; so she was unconsciously sending out an unpleasant signal to people. She dressed in baggy jeans, seldom wore makeup, and had a perpetual “bad hair day.”
Two weeks later, Kyra visited her friend Elise again, but her appearance and manner had changed. Kyra was feeling better about herself in general and it showed. She and Elise were going out to a concert. So Kyra had taken time to create a fluffy new hairstyle for herself and she had donned an elegant, form-fitting black dress. The young man spotted her again and said “Is that the same woman? I want to go out with her!” Kyra’s outer appearance changed when she felt better about herself.
Moral of the story: “When you feel good on the inside, you want to look good on the outside.” Kyra had invested time and energy in herself. And it was her new self-confidence that attracted the young man.
Real-Life Revelation
Leo is a very successful businessman in the boardroom, but not in the bedroom. Whenever he would see a woman who attracted him, Leo would become a jangle of nerves.
“I would turn to putty inside,” Leo said. “I couldn’t get my words out, and I felt like a blithering idiot.” Leo had to cross over a big gully that we all face, working up the confidence to initiate a conversation. When Leo came to me as a client, I encouraged him to practice by talking with women in the supermarket. Together, Leo and I came up with a few opening lines that were comfortable for him.
For example, since he likes guacamole anyway, I asked him to approach women in the market and ask them: “Can you help me find a ripe avocado, please?” His homework assignment was to ask this question of every female he spotted in the market, whether he was attracted to each woman or not. With practice, Leo became less inhibited and more comfortable chatting with women. In fact, soon he was sharing recipes with several ladies he confronted.
Well, before you know it, Leo progressed from the supermarket to the mall, then the health club, and even to his church. With each scenario, I gave him a new opening line to use over and over again with women until his fear turned to confidence. Leo soon developed the leonine boldness of a lion. He must have been radiating self- assurance, because ironically the woman he is now dating is a lady who first approached him! Leo told me, though, that he would never have been able to maintain a conversation with her if he had not overcome his fear of rejection first.
How To Change Your Perception of Rejection
We put our own attitudes on situations we encounter. While a rejection can be a very real, painful rebuff, it is the meaning we attach to it that matters, not the rejection itself.
Joel is an older man who felt rejected in childhood because his family was poor. He had carried this attitude with him all his life; it affected both his business and social life. Every time anyone so much as hesitated while speaking to him, Joel took it as a personal rejection. In reality, people were quite interested in Joel for himself and his many fine qualities. But because of his “shame” of having once been poor, he wouldn’t even give most people a chance to know him. Joel was rejecting them, even though he thought other people were rebuffing him.
We all encounter early rejections in childhood; the secret is to learn that this is a part of life. Rejection is part of the selection process in getting ahead, or finding the right path, or finding the right love.
Perhaps one of the worst shocks about rejection is to be turned down for having qualities you deem worthy in a relationship: kindness, thoughtfulness, humor, loving, and giving. You open up and express these sterling characteristics, and are passed over for someone with lesser gifts. Anyone who rejects you at your best cannot open to the best. The rejection is not the loss it appears to be. You do not have to stop being you. It is possible for you to be cautious without giving up spontaneity and generosity, and to be attractive without being flamboyant.
A major real estate company teaches its sales personnel to regard rejection as “not enough communication.” To broaden this concept, the reject-or and the reject-ee may not have communicated with sincerity or positive reinforcement. One or the other, or both, may not know how to say what they mean, or may need to learn new self- expression skills.
Body language is important, and it can be a fun exercise to take note of “body talk.” People “talk” with their hands, their eyes, their eyebrows, and their head movements. Think about what you are communicating by the way you talk, listen, stand, or sit. Voice tones and facial expressions are our best cues as to what is really being communicated. If you detect both a “yes” and a “no” by the other person’s manner, draw that person out with a positive statement about their self-expression.
You could simply say, “I’m enjoying this; could we talk more sometime?” Then, if one of you doesn’t reach the other, perhaps you will another time. Learn from the encounter.
With each rejection, you can only move closer to success. Whether you are selling real estate or selling yourself as life-partner potential, before you “close” that major deal you will have greeted many lookey-loos.
How to Move Beyond Rejection
Practice makes perfect.
What you can glean from rejection experiences can give you a confidence unlike any you have ever experienced. How you handle the rejection can be a powerful exercise in mastering any runaway emotions that get stirred up within you.
Do you feel worthless after being rejected? If so, how could you take charge over your feelings and handle the situation differently?
A middle-aged woman named Jessica was once painfully rejected by a man who had had a bad day, and he chose her to “dump on.” Jessica felt like a discarded rag afterward. Challenging herself to “just come out ahead,” she wrote the man a letter expressing her regret at their miscommunication and the poor timing. She laid out her intentions and honest motives. Jessica also pointed out that his unkind, exaggerated viewpoint of her was not quite true. The letter had a calm, non-threatening, easygoing tone. She did not even expect a response.
“I wrote him the letter just to end the situation on a positive note,” she said. The man called her right after he got the letter and apologized, expressing more civil behavior and a great appreciation for Jessica’s thoughtful letter to him.
If the pain of any rejection is stronger than it should be for the experience, then bring the pain all up and work it out of your system. Don’t be afraid to feel old wounds. Go off by yourself, or go to a close friend or relative, and let the ill pain overwhelm you until you can clearly see what that pain is trying to tell you. Emotional pain can be an ally if you let it “talk” to you.
Darlene, a 44-year-old entrepreneur, is a good case in point. She felt horribly rejected after learning her college friend Henry and his family had been in town and not looked her up. “I gave myself all kinds of rejection slips,” she said. “He thinks I’m not on his social level, I’m not on his business level, I don’t have kids and he does, I’m a vegetarian and he isn’t.” As you can see, Darlene was really fishing deep for rejection excuses.
“I cried for days, went to my therapist. When it finally dawned on me that I was creating a monster out of nothing, I realized what really hurt. I had known Henry during the best years of my life. We had been young and carefree, and I missed that time in my life. Another college friend of ours had recently died, and I was grasping to hold on to Henry even though we were not close.”
Darlene called Henry when he returned to his home 2,500 miles away from where she lived. She conveyed how she missed seeing him and would liked to have taken him and his family to dinner. Henry explained to her that on his vacations, he and his family had an iron-clad agreement to spend all their quality time together because their home life was so busy and hectic. He would loved to have seen her otherwise, but he kept his family vacations strictly for family only.
This cleared the air for Darlene who got an honest answer and could let go of her “too sentimental” college feelings that had not been brought up-to-date. “My feelings just didn’t fit the situation,” Darlene said. “They were blocking me socially all the way around.”
Working through outworn feelings is more comfortable in the long run than carrying old wounds confusedly around within you. If you have a cut on your hand, you can do one of three things:
1) leave it alone and it will heal on its own,
2) care for the injury with ointment and band aids and it will heal faster, or
3) pick at the wound and it will never heal.
Emotional wounds are no different. Harboring and picking at those old, stale hurts just keep them recycling through your system where they eventually manifest as illness. What’s more, they can send a red flag to other people that you feel rejected, even when you truly accept yourself and all you are.
Once you’ve expunged a deep-seated emotional wound or misplaced sentiment, then reward yourself by moving on to the next prospects. After a while, rejection may become a motivator, not a deterrent to your progress in everlasting love.
I was reading Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy’s book, “The New Bottoming Book” and I came across a term (S/M drag) that almost perfectly describes what drag means to me as a kinky/sexual person.
What is S/M Drag?
Easton and Hardy exposed me to the term S/M drag. They define S/M drag as “a word that implies bringing out an alternate persona – to call forth any inner self who plays a role in our fantasies, we can wear the costume to help us become the character”.
I identify very well with this quote on the basis of what drag does for me for a scene. In general drag to me very much resonates with the famous words of Rupaul, “Drag doesn’t cover who you are, it reveals who you are.” My drag brings out more of my personality, the extrovert in me, the smiling easygoing queen that you want to have a drink and kiki with. I am very personable and outgoing out of drag, but drag elevates me. Drag is like armor that makes you feel powerful and simply put, a fierce bitch.
BDSM Binary
Back to S/M drag. What I wear for a scene very much implies what role I am playing. I identify as a switch, with a preference for bottoming. But, I feel more dominant than submissive.
I thoroughly enjoy bottoming, in other words having things done to me, but with my personality I feel very dominant. There are those out there that will make me snap to my submissive side quickly and I absolutely adore those partners that have that capability. To feel more on my dominant or submissive side, I dress the part.
S/M Drag–Shes Got the Look
If I have a scene negotiated and planned where I would be bottoming and submitting to my top, I may wear white, pink, my chastity device, soft makeup or heels. If I have a scene negotiated where I would be topping and dominant, I may wear my thigh high boots, black and dark makeup.
The look very much influences my role as a BDSM player. It sets my mood. My drag was born out of my interests in kink and BDSM. A very untraditional birth since most drag queens are born on a stage guided potentially by a drag mother. My drag birth happened in a dungeon getting pegged while in chastity.
BDSM Inspires My Drag
BDSM inspires my drag and my drag inspires my BDSM scenes. For example, I would love to perform Lovegame by Lady Gaga on stage with a partner. Throughout the lip sync I would have my partner collared and on a leash with an occasional smack with my riding crop. Another example, I fantasize about being in drag as a housewife with a Mistress, and fulfilling the roles of a housewife.
I love my untraditional drag. It makes me feel unique. Maybe my BDSM charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent is CUNT enough to get me on Drag Race! Although I am unsure of how well Ru would receive an audition tape of me bound to a St. Andrews cross getting whipped with a dragon tail!
It has always been the assumption you have to be a model and actor/actress to have an online presence and attract a fan base, but that is not the case at all. In fact, the saying, everyone has a different cup of tea is very true in the adult industry as well. This saying stands true for my Swinger community members. In the past, I have been approached and told if I was more selective with my members I would have younger “prettier” members. Does younger and prettier mean that is what everyone desires? Does everyone want a Barbie and a Ken?
I wholeheartedly disagree with this assumption. Everyone is attracted to what they like. Maybe a certain hair color, eye color, tall, curvy, dark skin, light skin, so why pick a community based on just one appearance? The same goes with the adult industry, webcam performers, models, and content creators.
I really became intrigued when she shared with me in our initial email conversation that her shows are based on her scripts. She has over 30 characters she plays, my favorite was her teacher character. I do not want to give it away, as if you tune in to our interview on The Hankie Pankie Podcast, she will share her reasonings behind her brilliant marketing technique.
Easton and Hardy exposed me to the term S/M drag. They define S/M drag as “a word that implies bringing out an alternate persona – to call forth any inner self who plays a role in our fantasies, we can wear the costume to help us become the character”.
Back to S/M drag. What I wear for a scene very much implies what role I am playing. I identify as a switch, with a preference for bottoming. But, I feel more dominant than submissive. 
If I have a scene negotiated and planned where I would be bottoming and submitting to my top, I may wear white, pink, my chastity device, soft makeup or heels. If I have a scene negotiated where I would be topping and dominant, I may wear my thigh high boots, black and dark makeup. 
