For as long as I can remember I’ve had sexual fantasies about women. Even as a teenage virgin I would fantasize about lesbian sex, or threesomes with a girl and a guy. They were hot, but I never labelled myself as bisexual. Mainly, despite my many fantasies, the occasional flirtation with gay girls, and a couple of drunken kisses with my friends, I had never been even close to being with a woman.
Did I Miss Out?
I got into a long-term relationship with a guy when I was 21. I had no idea that when I met him that I would end up marrying him. And that those few years before I met him would be all the time I had to experiment. Had I missed out? Should I have had more sex with men, been with a girl, maybe had a threesome before I settled down? Maybe so.
The fantasies didn’t stop just because I was married, but it wasn’t something I dwelled on or really talked about with anyone. Maybe in a healthier relationship it could have been something we discussed, and it could have been hot to experiment together. But that wasn’t an option for us. I know he would have been shocked and would not have reacted well if I told him I wanted to experiment with girls, or even have a threesome which for many guys would be their number 1 fantasy.
No-One Knows I’m A Lesbian
When a friend picked out a T-shirt for me when out shopping with the slogan ‘No one knows I’m a lesbian’ I found it funny. How did she know? Maybe she just sensed it.
My marriage fell apart in my early thirties. And I finally found myself free to do whatever I wanted again. I could see who I wanted, have sex with who I wanted, and I felt liberated. However, when I started dating again it was still only with men. I would occasionally switch the settings on tinder to show me both men and women, and I would look at the profiles of girls near me. But I didn’t have the confidence to swipe right.
I guess I was nervous. As a teenager I was very shy and pretty useless around men. Most of my sexual experiences had been awkward or I was drunk. But now I was much more confident in myself, and having plenty of great sex with men. With women I felt like I was starting over. Would I do it right? Would I like the taste of pussy? Would they be able to tell I’d never done it before? And for a while I suppose I found it easier to stick to what I knew I was good at.
I was tempted by offers of threesomes by kinky couples, but never quite had the courage to go through with it. I would go to gay bars with friends, and chat away to queer girls, some of whom were in open relationships with guys, and their lifestyle appealed to me. But nothing sexual ever happened. I began to wonder if I was just bi-curious and if I would ever actually have to confidence to just go for it.
Am I Bisexual? Butterflies In My Stomach
I’d been single about 18 months by the time I eventually matched with any girls on tinder. Just as with guys, I would chat a bit but often nothing would come from it. When I finally set up a meeting with Sarah in a cocktail bar, I got butterflies in my stomach. I was really doing this.
Sarah seemed the perfect match for me. She was bi-sexual and in a relationship with a guy. But he was cool with her seeing women. I was hesitant to date girls who wanted a relationship as I wasn’t sure what I wanted and didn’t want to lead anyone on. I had no idea what was in store for our first date, but I shaved everything, just in case!
I waited nervously in the bar, I’d bought her a drink, she was late. I wondered for a minute if I was going to be stood up. But 20 minutes later she rushed through the doors flustered and apologizing. She was cute. The conversation seemed to flow, and it was nice. I was quite new in town and hadn’t many girlfriends. If anything, hopefully I could just make a friend. I wasn’t sure exactly how to tell if she fancied me, or how this could progress to something else. But when she leaned over and brushed my hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear, I felt a little rush of chemistry.
Hookup in the Ladies Bathroom
Shortly after she said she needed the toilet and asked if I wanted to go with her. I wasn’t sure if she just wanted some girly company or if she had something naughtier in mind. But I agreed. The bar was fancy and the toilets were downstairs in the basement. Dark, and beautifully styled, with flowers between the washbasins, it wasn’t the usual gross public restroom you encounter, it was quite sexy. I could tell by now that she definitely was into me, and after 3 or 4 drinks I was relaxed enough to just got for it.
Once the restroom was empty, she kissed me. It felt strange kissing someone so much shorter than me! It was a great kiss, and I kissed her back pushing her up against the washbasins. But then she took charge and took my hand, taking me into one of the stalls and locking the door. She told me to sit, which I did, and she pulled down my panties…
I totally hadn’t expected my first bisexual experience to be sex in a public restroom! But it was so hot! Although having to be quiet when others came in was a struggle. So, a few days later I invited her around my place so we could do our thing without holding back. Needless to say, the worries that I had beforehand were totally unfounded.
Am I Bisexual?
Am I bisexual? Yes. It’s not something I feel I need to tell everybody about. Each person’s journey is different and I still don’t really feel the need to label myself or ‘come out’ to every person I meet. However, if anyone asks, I’m totally open about it and happy to share my experiences.
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Do you wonder, “Am I bisexual?”. Visit the Biresource for more bisexual resources.
“Bisexuality is romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or sexual behavior toward both males and females, or to more than one sex or gender. It may also be defined as romantic or sexual attraction to people of any sex or gender identity, which is also known as pansexuality.”— Wikipedia
Well there’s a reason that Royalle, who directed 15 femme porn classics before sadly passing away in 2015, is granted the lioness’ share of credit for the inception of the femme porn movement. And that reason is, she friggin’ rocked. From comedies like Stud Hunters to heartfelt romances like My Surrender (one of the few porns that makes me cry every time I watch it, and not out of terror or disgust–“Turn it off!”), this woman was a skillful director who made love stories out of sex stories–in addition to her role as a woman who supported and encouraged other women and minorities in the adult industry. Myself included. Yet to trace the true origins of feminist porn, we must make like the Hot Tub Time Machine peeps and journey back a full decade before the premiere of Candida Royalle’s debut film, Femme. We’re talking BC on the timeline–Before Candida!
In 1972, the first porn film made by and for women debuted on the underground film scene. Goldenrod, the story of a handsome Casanova who learns valuable lessons about how a treat a lady–all while satisfying as many women as humanly possible and then some. “Back in those days, there was a lot of talk about women getting into explicit films and making feminist porn. It was the first time the feminist movement had thought about this,” Webb’s ex-husband, filmmaker Charles Desantos, told The Rialto Report (https://www.therialtoreport.com/2020/11/15/charles-desantos/). “So we decided to make a film from a woman’s perspective, and she directed it and actually used her own name. It turned into quite a thing. It was shot in 16 mm, and it had a feminist angle to it. We called it ‘Goldenrod.’”
“Fatale Media — the company that released the film in question — was born in 1984 with an explicitly defined mission to “reflect the feminist right for [women’s] control over our bodies, thereby promoting female sexual autonomy,” wrote Marcus Dowling in the article On “Suburban Dykes,” And The Advent of Sublimely Sexy Sexual Awareness. “When a suburban couple explore phone sex and BDSM via an escort service to spice up their sexual experience, that’s well within the scope and range of Fatale’s stated aims.” (https://marcuskdowling.medium.com/on-suburban-dykes-and-the-advent-of-sublimely-sexy-sexual-awareness-6017106c5e0a)
Swinging back over to the other side of the spectrum, we saw our first feminist male porn hunk in 1978. And no, don’t even think I’m going to say John Holmes. For while he was the first household name male porn star, his actions on and off the screen were anything but feminist. No, the gentleman of which I speak is Jesse Chacan, a stunningly gorgeous Native American actor who also reigned as Mr. Nude USA (Question: Do they still host such a competition? And if so, why oh why is the Feminist Sexpert not a judge?) Also notable as the first Native American actor to portray a Native American character in his films, Chacan is known in particular for his star turn in Deep Roots, a 1978 feature renowned for its tender love scenes and its generous shots of Chacan’s flawless body. Chacan’s image is featured prominently in the film’s cover art, and his name appears above the title–virtually unheard of for that time, or for this one for that matter. 
The first video magazine for women was–of course!–Playgirl On the Air, a Playgirl Magazine video series that debuted in 1984. Featuring filmed centerfold shoots, interviews with celebrities such as Mark Harmon and Sybil Danning, and softcore sex scenes shot from a woman’s point of view, the series veers from the adorable (the volumes feature adult cartoons, and one includes a trailer for a filmed Tom Jones concert) to the chic–with a sexy music video displaying music and production values ahead of its time. And if you choose not to fast forward through the interviews to get to the centerfolds, you’ll hear some empowering messages from Sybil Danning about the importance of “sheroes” on the big screen.
The inaugural male stripper tape takes the form of the Chippendales: Tall Dark and Handsome, an entertaining party tape that shows the signature hunks of the Chippendales dance troupe to their very hottest effect. Within a framing story that finds a trio of fun-loving women taking in the show, we see several choreographed striptease routines and fantasy sequences.
The title of the first romance novel committed to adult film is somewhat up for debate. In the late 1980s and early 1990s, director/screenwriter Victoria Arnelle brought a series of filmed romances to the screen, complete with gorgeous covers that likened book jackets and extremely hot male leads. Oh, the women are cute too. And while Arnelle’s work is novel and interesting, with some original plotlines and dialogue, I’m sad to say that each of these titles features themes not at all at home in feminist erotica. We see heroines kidnapped, slapped, and sometimes forgiving of abusive lovers. Also, they break the girl code by messing with attached men–even their own sisters’! Vicky, WTF? Still, we must acknowledge the effort to produce a romantic feature for a female audience.
As far as true literary adaptions, I happily credit the amazing 1993 softcore feature Cabin Fever with being the first feminist romance story realised on film–and beautifully so. Based on an erotic story featured in Lonnie Barbach’s Erotic interludes, Cabin Fever is truly a thing of beauty–and oh so hot. Lonnie Barbach just may have been the original Feminist Sexpert, with her books lauded as having a positive impact on women’s sexual expression. Bringing her words and images to the screen was director Deborah Shames, the first female softcore director. This older woman/younger man love story is both tender and thrilling, sexy and sensitive, and features a gorgeous leading man whose character shines through with uncommon sensitivity.
My absolute, all time favorite softcore series has to be Love Scenes, a collection of four videos geared toward the visualized fulfillment of women’s sexual fantasies. Director Ron Lawson cast Playgirl models, male exotic dancers, and top tier male models alongside strong, glamorous actresses in a host of female-geared fantasies.
And speaking of unprecedented–I’ll conclude this with a look at the introductory feature from the Godmother of Femme Porn: Ms. Candida Royalle herself.
