OK, before I even start this blog I’d like to make some caveats. When I make reference to rape porn or erotica, I’m not referencing consensual bondage fantasies. I’m not slut- or kink-shaming anyone. And I am not calling for the illegalization of any pornography created by and for consenting adults, unless actual injury or the crossing of a performer’s boundaries occurred during the production. This column represents my views on this subject, nothing more.

The other day I was chatting with a friend of mine who works as a rape crisis counselor. She confided to me that several clients (whom she did not name) had come to her with a story about their assaults–a story that centered around another story.

“I told him I didn’t want him to get rough with me during sex. But he told me that he supposed I had rape fantasies, like all women did, and that I’d probably enjoyed 50 Shades of Grey,” the survivors revealed. “He told me that he knew I wanted it. Then he ignored me when I said no.”

“He raped me.”

Although sickened and enraged by this story, I was far from shocked; especially not when, at the time of the release of 50 Shades of Grey, at least one sexual assault took place immediately after the perpetrator allegedly had seen the movie and directly copied its aspects–right down to use of a man’s fashion tie as a restraint. Not to mention countless instances in which rape survivors have reported being triggered and traumatized by works like 50 Shades, and the more recent 365 Days, which glamorizes both sex abuse and drugging and kidnapping.

From a high school classmate’s assertion that the fact 9 1/2 Weeks was written by a woman proved that “Women like that sort of thing,” to the countless times that online trolls have insisted that rape can’t be all that bad because women fantasize and enjoy books and films about it, a single unfortunate truth emerges: Men use rape fiction–and rape fantasies–as excuses to rape, or at the very least to show less empathy for rape victims.

Of course, at this point, we also must discuss other truths as well. The fact is that bad people will use just about anything as an excuse to blame the victim: from the length of the survivor’s skirt to the amount of alcohol consumed by the perpetrator or survivor before the attack, to films and TV shows. When a rapist rapes, it’s the fault of the rapist. Period.

I also find it interesting that, when men fantasize about being dominated by women, nobody accuses them of coveting a violent relationship in real life. Sure, countless men fantasized about Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, and Kathleen Turner in Body Heat. But would they want to meet the business end of an icepick in real life? I hope not.

Many experts say that, instead of a desire to be threatened or harmed in real life, the core of the rape fantasy seems to be that women are afraid of acting on certain desires, for fear of being seen as slutty or promiscuous–so in their dreams, they fantasize about a man seizing control of them. My question is, though, why do we still feel ashamed to want and enjoy sex?

I was lucky enough to come to sexual maturity in the ’80s and ’90s, when fearless, openly sensual heroines ruled the book and screen. Jackie Collins filled the pages of her sexy potboilers (like “The Stud” and “The Bitch”) with strong women who demanded satisfaction, in the boardroom and the bedroom. Kathryn Harvey’s Butterfly took us inside the walls of a male bordello that catered to women, my friend Dara Joy took us to an erotic netherworld where the heroine rescues the chained up hottie hero, and Nancy Friday’s Women On Top explored the fantasies of the modern woman–which proved to be more feminist and assertive than in years past. Hence the title.

On the silver screen, we still saw stories of sexually repressed women pleasured and liberated by seductive rebel men–but they were seduced, not raped. In the 1983 film A Night in Heaven, repressed school teacher Faye Hanlon (the fantastic Lesley Ann Warren) succumbs to the temptation of a handsome college student (Christopher Atkins, arguably the male answer to Marilyn Monroe in terms of sex appeal).  Atkins’ Rick moonlights as a male stripper who, when spotting his teacher in the crowd of a strip show, tempts and teases her with a sultry lap dance and a soul kiss. Later, when he sees the married and still reluctant Faye in public, he tempts her further by praising her beauty, telling her that he enjoys erotic dreams about her, and presenting her with the old standby of a romantic red rose. Finally, when efforts to heat up her marriage fail, she joins Rick in a motel room for a heated session of lovemaking.   

In the movie Thief of Hearts, the delectable Steven Bauer plays a burglar who breaks into the home of a married couple, stealing the wife’s diaries and acting out the fantasies found within them. He pleasures Mickey, the subject of his desire (played by Barbara Williams, a smart and refreshingly real beauty), by praising and enlisting her talents as an interior designer–then, when she arrives on the job, luring her to his bedroom for some explosive sex. He tells her he’ll do anything she has ever wanted and imagined. Earlier in their courtship, he takes her for a romantic boat ride and makes a big and most impressive show of oiling up his perfect body before her hungry eyes. But later in the movie, when Mickey discovers her lover’s criminal past and he becomes overly aggressive and demanding, she leaves him and returns to her husband.

So what happened between then and now? Well again, as a proud Playgirl of the 90s and early 2000s (I even worked for the magazine and cable station), I saw what happened to women who bought Playgirl in public–they were laughed at and called desperate and sick. So were women who bought erotic romance novels with barechested hunks adorning the covers. I read a viewer’s review of A Night in Heaven stating that Faye’s husband should have murdered Faye and Rick over their affair–even though, ahem, her husband was cheating as well, with an old family friend.

And as someone who enjoys male revues, I have been told that I’m acting unladylike, that I’m allowing the dancers to wield sexual power over me, and that I should trade in male strip shows for Christian singles dances. I explain to them that I often exclaim, “Oh my GOD!” at regular intervals during lap dances.

I’m also aware of the fact that, due to the proliferation of free porn on the Internet, more young girls are seeing rough, cheap, male-directed porn at a far too young age–they grow up thinking that’s how it’s done, instead of demanding something better and more respectful.

So, in my opinion, there we have it. Women who tried novel and modernistic ways of expressing their sexuality were shoved back into the closet–and under the whip.

I know that some women would disagree, saying that–after a long day of wielding power in the boardroom–they just like to safely surrender for a while in the bedroom. Understood! But some of today’s books and films–and, sadly, real life sexual relationships–are crossing the line between voluntary bondage into intimidation, the misuse of alcohol to weaken a woman’s defenses, physical pain–and, sometimes, rape. And no matter how you look at it, that ain’t cool.

The National Sexual Assault Hotline is 1-800-656-4673.

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Featured image by- Photo by Kat Jayne from Pexels

A few years ago, while appearing as a guest on a feminist radio show, I bristled a bit when another guest opined, “It’s OK for a wife or girlfriend to play sexy for her man, being his whore, as long as he still respects and appreciates her.”

“I agree with the substance of what you’re saying,” I said, being more judicious than I am–like, ever. “My question is, Why is it the women who are always expected to dress and act sexy for her man–and never the reverse?”

The hostess of the show immediately concurred, “It seems the women are always supposed to put on the show. All the men have to do is buy tickets and take a seat.”

….And it’s been this way since time immemorial. Back in the ’50s, magazine articles taught shy wives how to undress for their husbands. In the ’60s, the hit song “Wives and Lovers” warned wives that they’d better have that blasted makeup on and curlers off when their man walked through that door, or she would drive him over the edge of fidelity and force him to cheat with a ‘girl at the office.’ Those pesky girls at the office. Drat them.

Common advice dished out to women seeking to please their man often includes, “Act like his hooker, his secretary, his schoolgirl.” Could you ever imagine telling a man, “Act Like her gigolo, her hot assistant, her schoolboy?”

Now, I’m not suggesting that a woman shouldn’t dress up and vamp to please her man–but my point (and I do have one–two, in fact) is that she shouldn’t feel coerced into doing something she’s uncomfortable with for fear that her man will cheat.

For example: a woman who might have been sexually abused as a child might feel very uncomfortable dressing as a schoolgirl, and might prefer instead to play a dominatrix in a hot pleather bustier–calling him Darling instead of Daddy. A woman with body image issues might feel more comfortable in a long, figure-flattering white silk nightgown than a skimpy negligee.

And at the same time, a man can do lots of things to repay the favor: teasing and seducing his hardworking wife, so she doesn’t dally with those boys at the office.

Now I do realize that certain men’s magazines offer features on how guys can spice things up in the bedroom. Yet I’ve read these features and the suggestions they offer range from the creepy (“Tell her that you’re a skin magazine photographer and you want to shoot her photos”–um, do they not realize that this is how several infamous serial killers lured victims to their deaths?) to the sad (Buy her some new sexy underwear? That’s fulfilling his fantasy, not hers) to the all too obvious (Do the dishes one night after dinner. That’s not fantasy fulfillment, it’s an everyday responsibility).

It’s time that a woman taught men how to seduce their ladies. So pay ample heed, Boys, as the Feminist Sexpert is only going to say this once:

 1. Roleplaying.

The sexy leading man Hugh Jackman has said that his kickass wife Deborra Lee Furness often asks him to bring costumes home from his movie sets, so she can feel as though as she’s having affairs with the heroes he portrays. And while filming Magic Mike, Channing Tatum said he put on private shows for then wife Jenna Dewan. And while every man might not be a professional actor with a full wardrobe filled with sexy costumes at his disposal, what he can do is pay the occasional trip to a men’s wear store to buy some G-strings or sexy thongs, or to a costume store–renting the pirate’s costume, the kilt, the policeman’s uniform, or the Marine whites that will really drive her wild.

Or just get a nice haircut, throw on a new suit, and appear at the house in the role of a seductive stranger–someone who’s been admiring her from afar, and who is there to entice her away from her husband. Or simply throw on a thong or some sexy shorts, and play the role of the seductive poolboy. Even if you don’t happen to have a pool. Believe me, she won’t care.

2. Fantasy fulfillment.

Some women may say that they don’t have sexual fantasies, or they’re too bashful to say them aloud. Yet the curious husband can sneak a peek at her favorite romance novels, soap operas, or romantic films to get an idea of her innermost intimate thoughts. Or you might even buy her an empowering erotic book and offer to act out its scenes. I’ve heard those are widely available.

3. Couples porn.

Yeah, I know. If you have to listen to that bloody sax music or to some sculpted couple talking at length about their predestined love for one another… but if you feel that way about couples porn, imagine how she feels about watching the 58th edition of Banging the Baby-sitter or Kiki Does Kansas.

You can still watch these flicks, alone or with your buddies. When you’re with her, try a title by Bright Desire, Strawberry Seductress, Lust Films, Sweet Sinner, Anna Span, Playgirl, Adam and Eve, or Femme. As far as couples porn, some of my favorites include the sprawling historical romance Immortal Desire, Hardbound (directed and written by the husband and wife team of Bob and Deborah Chinn) and Candida Royalle’s My Surrender. I’ve also heard that Marriage 2.0 is a towering achievement in adult cinema, even–haven’t seen that one yet, but the presence of Ryan friggin’ Driller in the cast guarantees that I will someday.

4. Massage.

Who doesn’t love an invigorating massage, performed with some essential oils? Don’t forget the candles, the low lights, and the dirty talk!

5. Indulging her crushes.

No matter how much you love your wife, no doubt you entertain fantasies about a certain supermodel, porn star or centerfold. So if she seems infatuated with a soap star, rock star or film or TV actor, don’t scoff at the TV screen and say, “I bet he’s GAY!” Instead buy her a CD or DVD that features his work or a magazine that features his likeness–or park her in front of the TV and slip out of the room when his show is on, letting her enjoy her fantasy date. Why should you do this? Because he makes her horny. And, at the end of the evening, it’s you that benefits. 

6. Striptease.

You don’t have to have the moves of Channing Tatum to pull off a most effective striptease. A hot costume and a basic body roll will get you far in life–and with your wife. And, again, I’ve heard there are books on the subject.

In dishing out this advice, I offer the same qualifier that I would to the ladies. Don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Yet in the event that you do elect to do this stuff, you get more sex–and, in the long run, a very happy lady. You’re welcome.
 

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Featured image by- Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay