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Dating on the spectrum

By
Valeriam Vincent
-
Autism & Dating
Illustration by Hattie Reid

Written by Grace Blucher

My name is Grace Blucher, and I am a cisgender, neurotypical psychologist who lives and works on Woiworung Country. While I do not have autism, I work with many clients who are, and we work together to navigate the complex world of sex, love and dating.  In writing this blog, I am not attempting to own or explain the experience of autistic individuals, but to share research, experiences and stories from the therapy room. While this article focuses on the experiences of autistic people, the information shared may also be relevant to other forms of neurodivergence.

Throughout the article, I have used identity first language (autistic, autistic person, autistic people). I realise that some people may prefer person first language (i.e. person with autism, person on the autism spectrum) and thus I would encourage the reader to supplement preferred descriptors where appropriate.  All examples and quotes used in this article have been deidentified and represent themes of client content.

Dating is an experience filled with nuance, subtlety and uncertainty. This can be confusing, stressful, and overwhelming for most people, and even more so for neurodivergent (or neurocosmopolitan) individuals. Building new intimate relationships relies heavily on both the spoken and unspoken – interpreting someone’s eye contact, body positioning, questioning style and interest. There are lots of unspoken rules and possible complications. For autistic people who experience depth and intensity in? social experiences, this uncertainty or confusion may be felt very deeply.  This is one of the main points of discussion in my work with autistic people in the therapy room. I often hear things like this from my clients:

“I had a good time, but then she didn’t want to hang out again. It was confusing.”

“We went on a picnic and I was supposed to bring cheese, but I didn’t know how much I was supposed to spend on cheese.”

“I don’t know what to talk to them about.”

“We were at a coffee shop, but it was too loud, and I had to go. I didn’t know what to tell him.”

What is autism?

Autism has traditionally been defined from a medical lens, with descriptors about difficulty with communication, social interactions and sensory experiences. However, autistic advocates explain autism in a way that talks to neurology: how and when information inputs and outputs are communicated from the brain to the body, and vice versa.  From this perspective, autism is considered to be a different neurology, whereby much more sensory information is experienced by an autistic person.  Due to this significant increase in sensory input, this can mean differences in how long it takes to process information, differences in how information is understood and differences in how the brain responds to the information it has deemed important or relevant. 

Previous labels of ‘high functioning’ or ‘low functioning’ autism may refer to external judgements about how well an autistic person appears to be ‘coping’ and ‘passing’ in a neurotypical world. This also brings up the idea of masking, where autistic people attempt to ‘fit in’ to a defined social norm in order to maintain safety. This includes conscious, rehearsed, learnt behaviours for set situations whilst concurrently suppressing natural behaviours or impulses – often at the expense of self-identity. 

Social scripts – helpful or not?

Dating and sex is inherently a mine field of vulnerability. For a lot of people, this can feel unsafe.  Autistic children learn very early on that many environments are not safe for them (either through real experience or a subconscious awareness leading to heightened anxiety). One way of managing this feeling of unsafety is to learn the social scripts (learnt behaviours) that are ‘appropriate’ for a social setting.

However, the use of these scripts in the context of heightened sensory input, for example the social uncertainty of meeting new people, and the vulnerability of showing romantic or sexual interest is, understandably, an overwhelming experience. This can lead to a push-pull dynamic where autistic people want sex, love and relationships; but understandably, they can feel overwhelmed in such situations.

Some neurotypical people may mistake this feeling of being overwhelmed in romantic or sexual situations for a lack of interest – but this couldn’t be further from the truth. While there is diversity in all of our relationship preferences,  relationships are an important and fundamental part of being human, and this is no different for autistic people. Sex and relationships are good for us too! Research tells us that autistic people in romantic relationships have a greater sense of sexual wellbeing and social and community belonging.

The impact of privilege

Dating is complex and multifaceted, and includes interpersonal, intrapersonal, and sexual factors. As neurotypical people, we need to realise that benefits are conferred onto neurotypical people by society, simply due to the fact that we are neurotypical. And this – boys, gals and non-binary pals – is privilege.

Recognising neurotypical privilege means being aware of the systems, structures, and sensory experiences that we can navigate without experiencing heightened sensory input, while also recognising that this is not the case for all people. In romantic and sexual spaces, this means actively noticing and considering how we, as neurotypical people, can better support and advocate for autistic people in these spaces. (For a brilliant piece on the sensory experience of autistic people having sex, please check out this article, and also this one. The onus is not on the autistic person to do the work, and clients have told me repeatedly how tiring self-advocacy is. However, autistic clients who I work with sometimes bring their relationship issues to the therapy room to talk about how they can support themselves, while other clients want to talk about how they can do better for their autistic partner(s). Some of these issues are listed below.

Let me be clear not all autistic people need support. However, for those that do ask for extra support – and for neurotypical people who do want to do better – I would encourage the reader to read on.

Small talk

Some of my clients tell me about the difficulty they face in having ‘small talk’ with new individuals. Small talk is the introductory conversation that doesn’t lead anywhere or seek to achieve anything. This can be difficult for autistic people as this communication doesn’t conform to a learnt social script and isn’t direction oriented.

It can be helpful to utilise activity-based gatherings when trying to meet people or when with new individuals. Instead of small talk, activity-based gatherings give us the opportunity to talk directly about what we are doing or experiencing. It also provides small breaks in conversation as we turn our attention to the activity. For example, clubs, interest groups and activities can be a great place to meet people with similar interests, providing initial common ground (instead of small talk). 

Additionally, activity-based conversation reduces the experience of vulnerability, as we are ‘trying to find things to talk about,’ and may increase an autistic persons’ level of comfort with another or a group of people over time. If you are romantically or sexually interested in someone, complimenting their performance of the activity also provides a good opportunity to express your interest.

An important note – if you don’t like small talk, you don’t have to do it! Learning to engage in small talk is experienced by some autistic people as ‘masking’ – a disingenuous adaptation to the neurotypical world. Masking helps keep autistic people safe by pleasing others and prioritising the needs of others (usually neurotypicals) in order to conform to arbitrary social rules.

Some autistic people say that this helps them move through a world not built to support neurodivergence, while others say that it is exhausting, marginalising and fuels self-criticism. In an ideal world, the environment in which romance, dating, sex happens should be made safe in order to support autistic people. If you are dating or in a relationship with an autistic person, check in with them about what they might need you to do in order to help them feel safe and to reduce their sensory input – and proactively take steps to do this.

Dating can focus on interpreting non-verbal communication

Dating in the neurotypical world is usually centred on socially-based activities where there is a focus on nonverbal communication and interpretation. For example, consider going out to dinner or for a drink. In these instances, we are trying to ascertain if someone is interested in us platonically, romantically, sexually or not at all. This involves paying attention to body cues and language. Because there is such a strong focus on ‘making a good impression’ (especially early on), this can be particularly stressful for autistic people who may be suppressing their true selves (for the reasons explored above), while also trying to understand if the person or people they are dating are right for them. Not only are we contending with the stress of a new environment, the ‘pressure to impress’ and uncertainty about a new person – but also the sound, sight, taste, and touch experiences of bars, clubs and cafes. No wonder it’s overwhelming!

Some of my clients also talk about the confusion about unspoken social roles and “who does what” when newly dating. For example, many people can feel the gender role expectation of who ‘makes a move’ really challenging. There may also be power dynamics at play in terms of gender, sexual preference and relationship structure that make this murkier too.

It can help to make these unwritten rules and expectations clear either before the date or at the start. If you are going on a date with an autistic person, it may be helpful to flag these expectations early on. For example, “I think we should each pay for ourselves today,” “If today goes well, it is ok if I ask to kiss you?” “I would like it if we could talk again, but I probably will wait until Wednesday.” By bringing these worries, expectations and social scripts into the conversation explicitly, we are able to reduce uncertainty for all.

Liking someone = preoccupation and fixation

Finally, some of my autistic clients also talk to me about what happens when they are really into someone, and how sometimes, this person or people can almost become like special interest areas. They describe curiosity and early infatuation that comes with a new relationship can quickly turn into a preoccupation or fixation. I have worked with people who can spend hours upon hours on the social media accounts of their new love interests, trying to remember and research all the things that this new person is into just in case this is something that comes up on the date. This may sometimes be driven by anxiety, however also then becomes part of the mask that autistic people wear in romantic environments.

Being really into someone and wanting to find out all about them is wonderful, and setting up boundaries and consensual arrangements with a new partner(s) can be really helpful in understanding what is okay for all people involved. For example, it can be useful for the new relationship to think about how often you might want to spend time together, and what does communication look like when you are not together.

Dating, like anything worth having, can be hard at times. However, we as the partners, friends or lovers of autistic people need to recognise the privilege we bring to sexual and romantic spaces, and actively work to promote and support equity in these places.

At SHIPS, all our practitioners are knowledgeable and skilled with working with neurodivergent individuals. If you or your relationship may benefit from some extra support, please check out our website here.

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Sexual Health and Intimacy Psychological Services (SHIPS) is a progressive psychology practice in Fitzroy, Melbourne. They provide sex, intimacy and mental health treatment in person and online. All SHIPS practitioners share inclusive and progressive values, are passionate about improving the lives of their clients and aim to create a safe space for you to get the help and support you need.

This article was previously published at https://www.xesproducts.com.au/blogs/news/dating-on-the-spectrum

XES Products is an online sex toy store dedicated to providing premium, accessible products and resources for everyone, without exception. In particular, we focus on empowering individuals with physical, cognitive and sexual health conditions to engage their sexuality, join the conversation around sexual wellbeing and explore their innermost desires. With XES, you’ll have access to high-quality, ergonomic products that support a diverse range of sexual interests and cater to unique individual characteristics.

100 Questions to Ask Before You Make a Commitment

By
Dr. Ava Cadell
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Photo by Jonathan Borba from Pexels

Anyone who is planning on getting married should ask their significant other these important questions before getting hitched. It can give them the opportunity to discuss any potential problems before they occur. Here’s my list of 100 questions you could ask your spouse to be before getting hitched.

Questions you should ask your potential long-term partner:

  1. What is the worst thing a lover could do or say to you?
  2. Which role-playing fantasy would turn you on the most? Master & slave, biker & slut, nurse & patient or Hooker & John.
  3. What qualities are you looking for in a lover?
  4. Prioritize what is most important in your life; work, family, spirituality, friends, money, health?
  5. What is your definition of love, intimacy & sex?
  6. What is your most precious possession?
  7. Do you approve or disapprove of learning different sexual techniques from experts who author books or DVD’s?
  8. List the best qualities you have to bring to a relationship.
  9. What would you like to improve about yourself?
  10. Name 3 of the most significant times in your life.
  11. Do you think you need to make any personal improvements in yourself? If so, what?
  12. What are your biggest fears about marriage?
  13. What is one life lesson you would like to share with your partner?
  14. What is your definition of intimacy?
  15. What would you do if you and your lover had a mismatched sex drive?
  16. What is your definition of a romantic evening?
  17. What questions could you ask them to get to know them more intimately?
  18. Describe yourself in one word?
  19. Who or what do you love?
  20. What do you feel is the biggest success you have achieved in your life?
  21. How many times have you been in love?
  22. Would you rather your lover was funny, seductive, smart or nurturing?
  23. How would you like your lover to dress in order to light your fire?
  24. How would you get them in the mood for lovemaking?
  25. When do you feel most vulnerable?
  26. What lessons have you learned from past relationships?
  27. What is a relationship deal-breaker for you?
  28. Do you like a lover to talk erotically in bed?
  29. What was your most embarrassing relationship moment?
  30. Name 2 crushes that you admire and why.
  31. What is your favorite part of your body?
  32. How do you think potential partners perceive you at first glance?
  33. What’s your favorite sexual activity?
  34. What makes you believe that you are ready for marriage?
  35. What one word would you use to describe your sexual personality?
  36. Would you say that you are a good lover, average lover or below average lover and what would it take to make you a great lover?
  37. What turns you off sexually?
  38. Is there any sexual act that you will not perform?
  39. What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?
  40. What’s the most hurtful criticism you’ve ever received?
  41. List 2 things that a potential partner could do or say that annoys you.
  42. Are you fanatical about anything?
  43. Do you have a pet name for any intimate part of your body?
  44. What do you feel is the biggest failure or drawback you have ever experienced?
  45. Can you overlook anything from your future lover’s past?
  46. Do you have any deal breakers that would prevent you from getting married?
  47. Do you have any sexual inhibitions?
  48. What is the wildest sexual encounter you have experienced?
  49. Where does sex rank in life’s priorities for you?
  50. What are your biggest strengths?
  51. What are your weaknesses?
  52. Have you ever regretted being intimate with someone?
  53. Finish this sentence: I wish my lover would…
  54. How would you feel about having a three-way in a foreign country?
  55. Name 3 sexual activities that turn you on the most.
  56. What do you love most about a lover?
  57. What do you love about yourself the most?
  58. What are you not willing to change for your marriage?
  59. What do you think are the benefits from being married?
  60. What is your favorite part of your lover’s body?
  61. Would you partake in a nude Jacuzzi with other couples in a resort where clothing is optional?
  62. How often would you like to have sex?
  63. What sexual fantasies do you still have that you’d like to turn into reality?
  64. How often would you like to have sex?
  65. What have you learned from your past relationships?
  66. Describe the best sexual experience you ever had.
  67. Who do you still need to forgive in your past?
  68. What is one life lesson you would like to share with your lover?
  69. What did you dislike most about your childhood?
  70. If your past lovers listed your most negative characteristics, what would they be?
  71. What was your most embarrassing moment?
  72. At what point in a marriage do you feel divorce is inevitable?
  73. What gift would you like your lover to give you on your wedding night?
  74. What are you sexually inhibited about?
  75. What makes you feel sexy?
  76. How do you like to be romanced?
  77. How long would you like lovemaking to last?
  78. What do you like to be called during lovemaking?
  79. How important is foreplay to you?
  80. Where is the place to touch you that turns you on the most?
  81. How would impotence affect your relationship?
  82. Have you had any sexual problems with any previous lovers?
  83. What changes do you expect to occur in your life after you are married?
  84. What if you and your lover can’t agree on having children?
  85. What is your greatest possession?
  86. Who or what do you love?
  87. If your lover wanted to see one of his exes socially, would you object?
  88. What fears do you have about marriage?
  89. What animal would best describe you in bed and why?
  90. Would you do a striptease for your lover?
  91. Would you have sex with your lover even if you weren’t in the mood?
  92. Would you let your lover tie you up?
  93. Do you like to use sex toys? If so, which ones?
  94. In order of priority, what sex act do you enjoy the most, oral sex giving, receiving or intercourse?
  95. Do you like to talk erotically in bed?
  96. What is your favorite sexual position and why?
  97. How do you feel about spanking?
  98. Do you enjoy sexual role-playing? If so, what role turns you on the most?
  99. What is the wildest sex act you’ve ever done?
  100. What would you do if your lover was unable to have sex with you due to an illness?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chicago: Dating after Covid (Vaxxed and Waxed!)

By
Ely Torres
-
dating after covid

Over a year later and finally, many Chicago singles are fully vaccinated and ready to get back out there, in person, and start dating.

Apps like Hinge, Tinder, Match and Bumble are offering special incentives to people who roll up their sleeves, including badges showing vaccination status and free access to premium content. BLK and Chispa will boost profiles of those who are vaccinated, to make them more visible to potential matches. And OKCupid will even let users filter out potential partners based on whether they’ve gotten a vaccine.

The White House says the apps will also direct users to learn how to get vaccinated, including connecting them with educational materials and information on how to find the nearest vaccination site.

With incentives swirling, does this mean more people will get vaccinated in hopes of matching with a future potential partner?

One thing is for sure, with dating app use increase the past year, it’s safe to say dating online isn’t going to be affected by the pandemic ending and people dating in person again.

Priti Joshi, vice president of marketing strategy and operations at Bumble, has the data to back up the popularity of dating apps during the pandemic.

“Online dating has been widely normalized for some time, but I think that this time of social distancing really put a spotlight on the tools and platforms that help people feel connected to others without having to meet IRL,” Joshi said in an email. “For example, Bumble’s Voice Call and Video Chat feature had a nearly 70% increase in use after the State of Emergency was declared in the US last spring.”

With a dating pool as massive as the one Chicago has, it’s hard to limit yourself to only vaccinated singles. After all, many people assume statistics are on their side (Chicago Covid cases have been dwindling, now at positive rate of .4%, as the number of vaccinated rises, now at 55% vaxxed) and won’t limit themselves to dating only the vaccinated.

In fact, 65% of Chicago singles say they won’t stick to dating only vaccinated singles, which shows they trust in the science behind the vaccinations.

Alison Baker, a 12-year resident of Chicago, is fully vaccinated as of May and says she has already been on 2 in-person dates and is looking forward to a summer of dating.

“I had already timed out my first in-person dates for the weeks after I was fully vaccinated, according to CDC standards, at least. I was a bit nervous to see if I would get butterflies for someone again, that spark that hits you when you meet someone you’re already interested in. I sort of knew what to expect since I video dated both of them before agreeing to meet in person,” said Baker.

Tinder and Bumble were quick to roll out video-chat features when the pandemic first started, and they highly contributed to dating app downloads and usage.

Sixty percent of those surveyed said they will continue to use dating apps going into summer, as much as they were in spring.

It seems that it will indeed be the summer of fucks for many Chicago singles.

No vaccine? No problem.

This article originally appeared on ElyShouldKnow

Is Phone Sex Important in a Long-distance Relationship?

By
Valeriam Vincent
-
Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Anyone who happens to be in a long-distance relationship is going to have to spend a whole lot of time experimenting with phone sex. It’s not just important; it could actually be the most important part of it. Any relationship out there is going to have sex as its most important element. When you’re not together, that sex has to come in the form of phone sex. There’s a reason that Bustle dedicated an entire page to how to have it, after all. No matter how long you’ve been together, the time is going to come when you have to express your sexual desire for each other. That’s when the importance of phone sex is going to become clear and you’re going to wish that you knew more about it than you do. It’s best to start investing some time in your phone sex skills as soon as you enter into a long-distance relationship. That’s the best way to make sure you’re ready when the time comes and you can give your partner something they love. Here are some ways to make it as hot and steamy as they really deserve from you.

Listen to the experts

The very first thing you have to do is make time to listen to what the experts have to say on the subject. It’s a great idea to find out how men like to do it as well as how women like to do it. Both are going to have their own likes and dislikes, as well as having different things they like to focus on. Women’s Health Magazine has a very good piece about engaging in phone sex without making it as awkward as it can be. You’re also going to want to know how to go about showing off the good stuff while you’re engaged in your play.

This woman knows all about posing for sexy photos and is willing to share her secrets. No matter what kind of approach you decide to use, the best possible thing for you to do is to make sure you’re letting yourself enjoy every last bit of intimacy that you can share with your partner. That’s what it’s all about, after all. You can’t be together in person, so you have to be together over the phone. Let yourself go and enjoy it just as much as you would be enjoying actual sex.

Practice with the pros

If you’re not great at phone sex, or if you’ve just never gotten the experience that makes you good at it, there’s one thing that you can do to improve your skills. You have to practice with the pros. Get yourself onto a site like Arousr and have some fun with the people there. It’s always full and you’ll never have to spend long looking for someone who wants to play with you. These women know exactly what they’re doing and they always have a good time while they’re doing it. You have the ability to find the kind of girl you’ve always wanted to have sex with or you can make her look just like your partner. It’s completely up to you and what you feel like in the moment.  The important part is that you pay attention to what they’re doing and why you’re enjoying it so much. This is a top-of-the-line phone sex experience and you can learn a lot just by engaging in it. The best part is that you can keep coming back again and again until you figure it all out. Once you get back to having it with your partner, you’ll be able to blow her mind.

Try it any time you want

Phone sex is going to be an important part of your long-distance relationship. The better it is, the better your relationship will be. Don’t wait for someone else to tell you that it’s time to try it out. Be the first to bring it up and get the phone sex going. You don’t have anything to lose. If you initiate it, you’re probably going to be shocked at how receptive your partner happens to be to it. She’s going to let you know how much she likes it by the way that she lets it happen and throws herself into it. Women enjoy phone sex just as much as men do and they’re never going to turn it down when they can’t get the real thing from you. Just show her what you have and impress her with the skills that you’ve honed on the other girls. It will keep your relationship flourishing for as long as you happen to be together but separate. Enjoy it while it lasts and doesn’t hold anything back from her at all.

How do I get my ex back? Hint: avoid this huge mistake!

By
Ely Torres
-
Photo by burak kostak from Pexels

Stop trying to get your ex back by reminding them of the “good times” you had together. Yes, you are trying to spark the romantic nostalgic in them, and it’s easy to see why you might think that reminding them of the bond you have would be a good thing.

But it’s not.

Unfortunately, this usually only makes them remember why you broke up.

Why?

Because they links those OLD memories with your OLD relationship.

And your old relationship is what they wanted to leave.

They don’t want to get back in the same relationship they just left.

There’s too much pain there, too much hurt, too much resentment.

You’re reminding them of the reasons they left in the first place. They feel bad around you and that’s why they want out.

So how could you possibly get them back if you don’t have your history to fall back on?

Start dating again. From step 1.

The rules you must follow to keep him interested?

1. Stop all sexual activities immediately! 

Having sex with them might temporarily make you feel better and closer, but once the orgasms are out of the way for the night, what do you have?

Unfortunately, it’s VERY easy for a man to move you from a “real relationship” to a “just a hookup” category.

For most men, if you’re just a hookup to him, it’s hard for him to think of you as more.

Instead, you want to connect with him EMOTIONALLY and get his primal drive CRAVING you before you get physically intimate with him again.

Physical intimacy will destroy this craving, release the tension and longing you need to keep so that he feels like he can’t get enough of you.

2. Stop begging them back.

This only makes them feel like they can do better than you and, makes you look pathetic, to be honest. Some people may go out of their way to prove their love and commitment by buying extravagant gifts, trips and planning dinners. This may seem like a good idea but rarely works and only makes you look desperate to get them back.

You are trying to get them to think that this is something brand new and different than what they left in the first place.

But, remember that history you have with them? Well, here’s where it comes in handy.

If they have been in love with you once, it’s FAR EASIER to make them fall deeper in love with you a second time.

When you combine a fresh start with deep, powerful emotions, you end up having an unfair advantage over new people that they start dating.

They’ll see you in a whole new light and forget about any pain, challenges, and worries that plagued your relationship.

They’ll start pursuing YOU, investing in YOU, and trying to convince YOU that you should get back together.

You want them to feel like they lost someone amazing.

They literally CAN’T feel that way if you’re begging them to be with you.

Make them feel like they made a HUGE mistake for breaking up with you in the first place.

BUT… you must do this in an attractive way.

It’s understandable that most people would try to get their ex back by getting them back into the same one they had before without realizing that the ex doesn’t want to go back.

They want something new and different.

You need a complete relationship wipeout and restart.

You know them well enough to figure out how to reignite that spark for the second time.

Forget the past. Start fresh.

Warning: Don’t get sucked back in with an ex just because of the good sex! Get yourself a bang buddy to forget about your ex or better yet, seduce yourself!

PS: (if you haven’t tried tantric masturbation you need to check this article by Domina) 

This article originally appeared on Love Coach Advice 

 

Book Review: Playing Without a Partner by Megan Stubbs

By
Katya
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Playing Without a Partner : A Single’s Guide to Sex, Dating and Happiness by Megan Stubbs, ED.D

Dr. Megan Stubbs, ED.D has crafted a holistic manual to single life that covers every aspect of actual LIVING – not just hookup culture and the pursuit of happiness through relationships – but also the act of learning to love one’s self. Her lighthearted, relatable approach and expertise in sex education allows her to articulate to everyone, singles and coupled people alike, how to get back in touch with YOUR happiness at the root.  Stubbs provides an inclusive and thoughtful book if you feel stuck in a rut in your relationship with yourself!  

Playing Without a Partner : A Single’s Guide to Sex, Dating and Happiness by Megan Stubbs

  • Publisher: Cleis Press (May 11, 2021)
  • Length: 250 pages
  • ISBN13: 9781627783040

Table of Contents

  • Introduction ix
  • Rethinking Single Life 1
  • Self Care 25
  • Self-Love-Masturbation and Fantasy 51
  • Body Mapping 75
  • Orgasm Basics 83
  • Positive Body Image 97
  • Dating-Want Long-Term, Have Short-Term Connections 121
  • Important Conversations about Health 147
  • Empowered Sex with Near Strangers 167
  • Tips for Great Sex 177
  • Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide 213
  • Conclusion 223
  • Acknowledgement 225

Rethinking Single Life 

Single life can be seen as sad, however, as Stubbs explains, this is far from the reality. Most single people, whether searching for a partner or having chosen celibacy for any reason, live very fulfilling and rewarding lives filled with meaningful relationships, romance and more. The main difference being this occurs in a different “package” than what we’ve been generally sold as a “perfect” life.  

Getting in touch with your true desires –  romance, career, lifestyle goals – helps to achieve a happier life in singlehood or just be happier AS yourself. So much of life can be spent finding the perfect person, not finding out what makes us happiest. Why not spend time alone with yourself trying new things? Going to new places? Meeting lots of new people? Options are endless.  

Self Care

Self care is so important in attracting a partner AND in improving feelings around self image and identity. If we have not learned to address our needs, how can we expect that of others? Stubbs provides helpful context within which we can reframe and prioritize self care so we can better care for ourselves and others. As a sex educator, body image specialist and relationship expert, she has invaluable background to provide a well rounded self care routine.

Self Love;  Masturbatory and Fantasy, Body Mapping, Orgasm Basics

Self Love can be expressed in so many ways! Stubbs’ book expands on the topics of  masturbation and fantasy, Body Mapping and Orgasm Basics over several chapters. One important thing to note is the importance of never faking orgasms with your partner in order to serve what you think are their needs first.  Understanding our own pleasure will provide for better sexual experiences whether it be with regular partners or strangers. As Megan says often throughout the book, “Put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others,” to ensure your needs are met before you attempt to help others.

Positive Body Image, Tips for Great Sex, Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide

Dr Stubbs is also an expert in the field of Body Image and Body Positivity and as such offers an informative voice on how to achieve a more positive relationship with our body through sexual empowerment, masturbation and self care, but also in your day to day experiences outside of your sex life.  Her sex tips are sound and the “Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide” is helpful for those little awkward moments we often don’t consider until we’re back on the dating scene, like if flatulence occurs and other funny situations.

Dating is all about being in the present with people you care for or hope to find a connection with – it shouldn’t be so stressful – but it can be easy to get nervous or retreat to your shell. With Dr. Stubbs’ book, you’ll find a positive, upbeat and humorous voice to guide you through this sometimes lonely and difficult path (alone) but together! There is no shortage of love out there, only fear that keeps us from finding it. 

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Dr. Megan Stubbs is a sexologist, relationships expert, and body image specialist. With her degrees in biology and human sexuality, she is able to combine two of her favorite things, science and sex, into a cohesive platform to impact her audience. She is mindful of inclusion and brings a sensitivity to ethnic diversity rooted in her own complex heritage. She believes that sex should be fun and uses her lighthearted, intelligent, and humorous delivery to make it happen. She is the author of Playing Without a Partner : A Single’s Guide to Sex, Dating and Happiness.

 

How do I cheat on my husband/wife?

By
Ely Torres
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how do i cheat on my husband

The first time I heard the term “affair dating” was back in 2015 when the Ashley Madison website was hacked and over 60 gigabytes of personal data was released. Soon, people began poring over the details of information released in hopes of finding celebrity or politician profiles. Most people had never heard of Ashley Madison and were shocked that there was a site dedicated to helping married people have successful affairs.

The truth is, there will always be married people who cheat.

As long as marriage exists, so will cheating.

It may be controversial to say this, but cheating on your significant other doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It means you need more than what you’re receiving at the moment.
Getting caught doesn’t mean you don’t love your spouse, it means you’re a careless idiot.

So what do I deem a successful affair? If the affair ends and no one got an std, got pregnant, caught feelings or got caught in the act, then congratulations, you are successfully affair dating!

1. If you find yourself obsessing over one person in particular, then it’s time to take a step back and re-evaluate what is it you are looking for and what you can handle. Just because you would love to have a sexy dip on the side doesn’t mean that you should go out and get one, especially if you are someone who finds it hard to keep things casual and light. Relax…this is supposed to be fun, remember? Learn to go with the flow because you never know where something will take you. If you find that it is too stressful, then you know that affair dating is not for you.

Focus on having temporary fun, and the rest will follow.

2. If you are in the midst of affair dating, then your marriage is obviously lacking something. So don’t limit yourself to your usual “type” of person you go for. In other words, don’t be a doppel-banger! See who else is out there and experiment while you can. Don’t start an affair with someone who is just like your spouse. What the fuck is the fun in that?

3. You need to approach affair dating as something temporary and have clear boundaries from the start. Are you looking to have fun on the side or are you looking to blow up your marriage? Be honest with yourself. Once you know for sure that you are only seeking temporary fun, then always remind yourself about that. Don’t fucking fall in love or lust! Always remind yourself that this is temporary fun and you are not to begin an actual relationship. What if you meet someone that you would leave your partner for? You better be sure that you are truly unhappy in your relationship and not just basking in the glow of infatuation.

Would I suggest having an affair with a friend or joining an affair dating website?

When the Ashley Madison breach occurred, not only was 60 gigs of personal date compromised, but other information slowly came out as profiles and emails were more thoroughly looked into.

Annalee Newitz, editor-in-chief of Gizmodo, analyzed the leaked data. She initially found that only roughly 12,000 of the 5.5 million registered female accounts were used on a regular basis, equal to 3 in every 1000, or less than 1%. The remaining were used only one time, the day they were registered. She also found that a very high number of the women’s accounts were created from the same IP address, suggesting there were many fake accounts.

She found women checked email messages very infrequently: for every 1 time a woman checked her email, 13,585 men checked theirs. Only 9,700 of the 5 million female account had ever replied to a message, compared to the 5.9 million men who would do the same.

She concluded that, “The women’s accounts show so little activity that they might as well not be there”. In a subsequent article the following week Newitz acknowledged that she had “misunderstood the evidence” in her previous article, and that her conclusion that there were few females active on the site had actually been based on data recording “bot” activities in contacting members. She notes that “we have absolutely no data recording human activity at all in the Ashley Madison database dump from Impact Team. All we can see is when fake humans contacted real ones.”

Claire Brownell suggested that the Turing test could possibly be passed by the women-imitating chatbots that fooled millions of men into buying special accounts.

Equipped with the knowledge of what many dating sites are capable of in order to attract customers (it is a business, after all) I would say to steer clear of affair dating sites.

If you can’t pull your side honey in person, then you don’t really deserve one, do you?

Have you been cheated on and are trying to figure out if they are worth keeping? 

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This article originally appeared on Love Coach Advice

Should I date my best friend?

By
Ely Torres
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should i date my best friend
Featured image from Elle Hughes- Pexels

Isn’t friendship the same as love sans the sex? We learn more and more about the complexities of friendship everyday. Moreover, researches show that romantic relations based on friendship are usually the happiest and strongest.

The longer you know someone, the more they become attractive to you. Have you ever been around someone that you initially blew off as not your type but the longer you were around them, the more they appealed to you?

All relationships really need the foundations of a strong friendship in order to withstand everything that life throws at couples, including acts of god and the shit that we put each other through.

The most long-lasting and satisfying romantic relationships are the ones that are about more than sexual chemistry. I mean, it doesn’t hurt… but you can only have sex so many times a day. What happens when he can’t get it up anymore? A fun friendship with an attractive person can make you feel dumb for even questioning whether you should date or not.

Usually, something big needs to happen in order for one of you to finally take that step. A move to a different state, an engagement, something that is changing your lives forever anyway so if, the reaction isn’t what you expected, there’s nothing to lose.

So, how else do you know when it’s time approach your friend about your feelings?

1. The awkwardness is gone

He has seen you at your best: dolled up and how you want the world to see you. And at your worst: no makeup, baggy clothes, crying your eyes out. He knows that you feel comfortable with him and is well aware of your likes, dislikes, quirks and pet peeves. You are sure by now that he will not judge or criticize you.

3. You always have plans.

As buddies, you spend a lot of time together and do a lot of activities. As your friendship grows, you discover common interests and already know which activities you both enjoy. The beauty of this is that when you start dating, you simply continue the routine. You do not have to adapt to the interests of a new person in your life or change tastes once you are together.

4. They knows your life + goals

When someone falls in love with their best friend, the friend is usually someone that’s been around since school or college. He saw you working hard at your first shit jobs, borrowing money from friends or siblings to pay the rent for the next month. Your friend knows about your past, as well as future plans, career ambitions, and goals. He always supports and gives you good advice. You won’t have any disagreements about life ambitions because he has been with you from the moment you started dreaming about what you want out of life and love. This kind of understanding and encouragement is important for your individual growth, professional development, and your future as a supportive couple.

5. It is comfortable and feels right

When you reach a certain amount of comfort in a relationship, there is no need to impress one another, or to hide any feelings because you are shy or indecisive. Thanks to your friendship, you have already reached the level of comfort that some couples have only after a long time living together. You can say goodbye to fears or uncertainties, and it allows your relationship to develop in a harmonious way.

Warning: Be prepared to lose your friend if things don’t go how you planned. Plan the reveal carefully and remember that you may not be seeing all the potential problems that could entail dating your friend because you have only seen them through the rosy, friendship filter. The romantic-partner filter is a bit more complicated. Sex really changes a friendship, and if it doesn’t work out then you risk losing them forever, but if you think the reward is worth the risk, then shoot your shot.

Change your mind about dating your friend but still need a boost in your dating and sex life? Why not sign up for a new dating site to see who else is (or isn’t) out there? With so many new dating sites and apps out there, how do you choose one? 

Make sure you read 6 things to look for in a new dating site to help you narrow the field! 

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This article originally appeared on ElyShouldKnow

 

The Girls’ Guide to Initiating Sex

By
Bobby Morgan
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A couple of Saturdays ago, we spent part of the afternoon sitting on the couch listening to a webcast for an online class my lover is taking. William Faulkner’s Light in August made for both spicy subject matter and a deeply academic and analytical lecture.

When the webcast was over, my lover leaned back into his corner of the sofa with one leg splayed on the sofa cushions and the other flailing on the floor in a post-lecture/post-brunch semi coma. I took the opportunity to unbuckle his belt, slide down his boxers and his slacks, and gave him quite a delicious blow job. I didn’t ask if he wanted one and he didn’t object.

Often times it’s hard to know which one of us initiates sex. It really doesn’t matter. We both seem to know when the time is right. But like most men, he loves it when I initiate sex.

I know that many women are hesitant to initiate sex. They’re afraid that their lovers, boyfriends or husbands will question their morals or character, but men want to know that they’re attractive, lusted after, and desired, too. They also want to feel that seduction isn’t always their job.

The simple gesture of pulling him by the hand and telling him, “Let’s go upstairs,” will always work, but there are other more creative ways of letting him know that you want him.

Here are a few sassy and classy ideas to try …

Text Him

Send him a message while he’s at work or somewhere not nearby and type, “I want you.” Depending on your guy, a message like, “I want you to fuck my brains out,” works, too. To amp up the urgency, send him a text at a most inopportune time like when he’s at a meeting. As soon as he comes over, he’ll be ready.

Be Fierce

As soon as he walks into the door, grab him by the shirt collar, nail him against the nearest wall, press your body against his, and kiss him hard. Chances are, you’ll feel him get hard in an instant.

Tell Him What You’re Wearing (or Not Wearing)

Let’s say the two of you are out to dinner. After the first cocktail (or whenever you feel is an appropriate time), lean across the table and whisper, “Guess what? I’m not wearing panties.” I guarantee that you’ll both want to skip dessert.

Play Footsies

This is a favorite of mine. I don’t know why, but my lover gets the message, even if he can’t show or say “Yes, yes, YES!” in public (like in a restaurant). The last time I did this, we were sitting on the balcony while he was puffing on what likes to call his seegar and I on an after-dinner cocktail. When I noticed that he was getting toward the end of his cigar, I slipped off my shoe, snuck my bare foot under the hem of his slacks, and slid it up and down the back of his thigh. It set a rather tantric mode for the sex that ensued right after, although I think we were both already in that state of mind.

Try the Cliched

For years there have versions of a list of ways a man has to get a woman in the mood for sex. At the end of the list, there’s a one-line instruction of what a woman has to do to turn on a man: Show up naked and bring beer. I’m sure the beer is optional. If it isn’t, stick it in the fridge so it stays cold while the both of you are hot.

If you don’t want to show up naked, I’m sure showing up in sexy lingerie will work, too.

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Previously published at- http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/the-ladies-guide-to-initiating-sex/

6 Things to Look for in a Dating Site

By
Valeriam Vincent
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Image by mina6120 from Pixabay

Choosing which dating platform to sign up for is like picking out a car. Are you looking for something that’s loud and fast, or are you interested in the safety ratings? What about a good sound system, or a roomy interior?

Choosing the right dating platform can be a pretty similar process. While they all operate on the same basic idea – helping people match up with each other – you can find loads of different options. Some sites are geared towards finding longer-term relationships, while others let users choose the type of match they’re looking for. With all these choices, it can be tricky to know how to choose the right one – here are the 6 features you should be looking for.

  1. How much detail is needed to sign up?

This often depends on what the sites focus on. Eharmony, for instance, is often used by people who are looking for a dedicated relationship. Since people on the site want to know the specifics of what they’re getting into if they start talking with someone, new users will spend a good chunk of time putting together their profile. There’s even a personality questionnaire with around 80 questions – be prepared to spend 20 to 60 minutes on that part alone.

On the other end of the spectrum are dating apps like Flingster. The minimum amount of information is essentially a photo of yourself, your first and last name, and your date of birth. Usually you can also add your interests or personality traits in your profile, but you may not even need that much to get started.

  1. How many people are using the platform?

The more users there are on a dating platform, the more likely you’ll be to find a match, right? Well, sort of.

Dating is all about the numbers, so in most cases you could join a platform with millions of registrations and be confident in getting a decent match in your area pretty quickly. This is especially true for platforms that emphasize location in how they match people. If a smaller site or app just hasn’t taken off in your city – or if you’re out in the sticks – it probably isn’t the right choice.

That being said, niche dating sites can offer something that big-time sites can’t – a much higher chance of compatibility. Instead of offering “lots of fish in the ocean”, these niche sites center themselves around a value or background type that users would have in common. It could be for people who share a specific political orientation, fans of a certain TV show, or enthusiasts who like to bond over a particular music genre. If you do find someone in your neck of the woods, you’ll have an automatic connection with them.

  1. Does the platform let you integrate with social media?

Even if it’s not a requirement for sign-up, users of some platforms can connect their social media accounts to their dating profiles. For one thing, this makes it easier to set up your account – the relevant data on your social media account is used to automatically generate a suggested profile. For another, it adds an extra layer of trust for other users. If they can see that you’ve connected your dating profile with social media, they’ll feel more confident in your authenticity.

  1. What are the requirements for photos or videos on your profile?

Just about every dating platform will require at least one picture to start out with. Match.com, for instance, wants each user’s primary photo to show their face without a mask or sunglasses. Many platforms focus on pictures, but some also allow users to upload flirty video clips – as long as they comply with the site’s guidelines.

Adult dating platforms don’t have a problem with more revealing pictures; mainstream sites, on the other hand, keep an eagle eye out for nude photos. Since a lot of sites want to stay family-friendly, they often employ moderators whose only job is to remove photos that don’t fit the site’s requirements.

  1. Does the platform offer safety features against scammers?

Just like with real life, the people you’re talking with on a dating platform won’t always have the best intentions. Dating scams are on the rise, especially for people who are over 40, widowed, divorced, or disabled. If you think you’re being targeted, any good dating platform will let you block or report the suspicious user.

It’s also helpful if the dating site verifies its members’ photos. Since most scammers use fake or stolen identities, they won’t be able to get the verification. If someone starts acting sketchy, the verification status of their photos will help you figure out whether or not they’re a scammer (or spammer).

In any case, don’t give in to emotional pleas for help. This is a common scam tactic – once they start asking for money, you know what they’re really up to.

  1. What matching criteria does the dating platform use?

Some sites make recommendations based on distance or membership status; others focus on shared interests or personality traits. If you’re considering a certain site, find out beforehand how you’ll be paired with people. The matches might be totally random, or the algorithm could use your dating profile as the starting point for every suggestion. Some platforms even adjust their recommendation strategy based on the profiles you show interest in, as well as the ones that get a hard pass.

With the right matching system, you’ll have a better chance of finding the right match. Platforms that let you send a wink, like or favorite someone’s profile, or message people directly are pretty quick on the uptake; the more you interact on the site, the more accurate your matches will be.

Make sure the dating site you choose matches your priorities.

After all, this is all about you. Not all dating sites are created equal, so it pays to do a little homework beforehand. With all the dating sites out there, it shouldn’t be too long before you’re signed up and ready for romance.

 

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