The Mating Game
If you ever seen an animal program on TV, you have probably seen some of their complicated and interesting mating rituals.
Every animal uses sexual reproduction from ducks to dogs, from lemurs to lemmings, from bats to badgers; even hamsters to humans have mating rituals. These rituals are written right into most animal’s genes and change very little over the millennia.
With humans it’s somewhat different. We have certain prewired responses to all sorts of things, and you’ve probably never even thought about this. For instance, you put your hand on someone’s shoulder to show understanding, concern, and connection. You put your hand on a loved one’s cheek to show closeness and acceptance. And there are many others.
Our meeting rituals are very complex because we are complex emotional beings. We not only use our prewired responses, but we also add in other cultural and social elements. Many of these differ from place to place.
It’s amazing that this knowledge is built right into us from birth. Even babies know how to flirt. In fact, babies are the best flirts around and know right from the womb how to get attention.
You may be asking yourself why do I have to learn how to flirt? Isn’t it built right into me?
Yes, it is, but flirting still takes practice to be an expert at it. As we get older, we need to relearn how to flirt.
After all wide should animals have all the fun??
Why Bother Learning About How to Flirt?
What’s in it for you?
Why should you want to learn these concepts? Certainly, because you want to have a rich, active dating life, but that’s not all. There are many benefits to learning these skills that carry well beyond dating, sex, and relationships.
First of all, flirting is fun! It’s a playful, adult game and lets you interact with others in a safe, playful way. It also builds your self confidence and even gives you new tools to deal with everyone in your life.
Another benefit is that it lets you explore your own “relationship self” by showing it to others. You’ll be surprised at how receptive other people are when you start showing this wonderful part of yourself.
When you are fun, playful, confident, and able to express yourself without shame, embarrassment, or guilt, you can naturally flirt with success.
Find What You Are Looking For
Are you looking for love? Fun? Romance? Sex? Intimacy? Companionship?
All these things start with the same first step. Finding a partner.
Here are some ideas that will help you reach any, or all, of these goals:
Incorporate a situation that in the past proved to be difficult and see that you can handle the same situation with a renewed perspective and acceptance.
Take the plunge and ask out that person you have spin secretly admiring. If your date proposal is rejected, realize that you can survive it. Your target rejected the situation not you. It is far better not to waste time on someone who is unavailable or uninterested. Move on to the next prospect.
Places to meet someone
There are many places to meet new people. In fact, everywhere you go is a new opportunity. Here are a few examples:
Airplanes, at work, auction houses, bars, beaches, bike riding, bookstores, bridge clubs, cafes, at the car wash, while taking classes, dance clubs, day trips, fashion shows, galleries, health clubs, while going for a jog, at libraries, matchmaker clubs, Men’s department stores, movies, museums, music festivals, parks, parties, personal ads, potluck suppers, book readings, restaurants, work seminars, shopping malls, singles events, supermarkets,, theatre groups, through friends, through relatives, at trade show events, on vacation, while going for a walk, and of course, weddings.
How to Flirt
- Make eye contact. Don’t stare. Raise your eyebrows. Wink if you’re bold!
- A warm sincere smile is like an open door of approval.
- Body language. These are the signs people through body language showing you are interested in someone else. These include the hair flip, swinging your leg playfully, the head toss, batting your eyelashes, leaning closer to someone, touching their hand, licking your lips, and cheering them with a toast.
Flirting Prompts
Here are things you can do to get noticed or use as conversation starters.
- Carry a book with an eye-catching title.
- Where a hat that suits your unique style.
- Pin a button on your clothes that has a message to attract attention.
- Take your pet for a walk.
- Carry a camera and ask someone to take your picture for you.
- Apply an outrageous bumper sticker to your car.
- Wear clothes with unusual logos.
- Drive a unique car or bike.
Conversation Starters
When you open a conversation with someone new, the words you choose to speak can be the most important, especially if you are on a quest to find everlasting love.
Take the seductive approach. This style should stir but not shock.
Try these:
- You smell really good. What scent you wearing?
- Weren’t you in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?
- Didn’t I see you on the cover of GQ magazine?
- I hope you don’t mind, but I just had to let you know that you are the sexiest person here.
- Do you mind if I sit down? When I saw you, I went weak in the knees.
- If good looks were against the law you’d be arrested, booked, and jailed for life!
- Can I buy you breakfast in the morning?
- I was looking at the dictionary and there wasn’t a word that fully describes your beauty / sex appeal.
Dating Rules
Try these dating rules to become more sexessful at love.
Rule 1. Talk to everyone.
Don’t be embarrassed to let people know you are a single and be proud of it. Let everybody know that you are looking to meet that special someone and, who knows? One of your friends, relatives or acquaintances might match you up with your everlasting love.
Rule 2. You are in control period.
You are in control of whom you decide to date and whether you see that person again. Yet, all single people seem to think the other person holds all the cards. Dating is a wide-open field these days. If two people exchanged business cards or phone numbers, it’s not etched into stone who should call first. Spring a surprise by calling them first. At least you will find out if there is mutual interest. And if you do take the initiative and get turned down, praise yourself for having made the effort to test the waters, then move on.
Rule 3. Dating is not a crapshoot.
You make the choice as to whom you want to date and when. You don’t have to go out with everyone you meet. If you just don’t like someone well enough to date that person, tell that individual upfront you were not interested in a relationship, but you appreciate their interest. Never overlook the possibility of a friendship that may become a romance later on down the road.
Rule 4. Everything is negotiable.
Just because you may want to fall in love with someone who has the same passions as you don’t restrict yourself too much. Remember that everything is negotiable in life and in love.
If you meet someone you like who doesn’t share your lifestyle, be open to learning from each other. Compromises can be reached if you care enough to explore the possibilities. One thing I have learned is that couples can be very creative together when they want to find solutions to the problems that crop up.
Just because you want to fall in love with someone who has a passion for boating, and you meet someone who has a passion for horseback riding, doesn’t mean you can’t spend one weekend on the ocean and the next on the ranch. You can create a win-win situation. Likewise, if he’s a steak and potatoes person, and you’re a vegetarian, be open to exploring and learning from each other. Compromises can always be reached if you care enough to explore the possibilities.
Rule 5. Don’t turn anything down before it is offered.
Don’t read a person on your first meeting. Even if your instincts are right, the relations still could blossom, or you could meet your everlasting love through this person. I cannot stress this rule enough. In the rat race of life, we jump to conclusions about people without even knowing them first. I’ve seen more potentially good relationships bite the dust before they even got off the ground.
Don’t assume you know everything about a person on the first meeting either. Even if you don’t like what you see or hear on that first date, attune yourself to what you do like and see if there is more there. You never know what could happen.
Things to Talk About on a First Date
Below you will find important dating etiquette tips that can often make the difference between making a connection and blowing the opportunity.
- Don’t talk about anything negative such as family or health problems.
- Don’t talk a boat your financial status and never talk about past relationships especially if they were bad.
- Do talk about your goals, work, hobbies, favorite places, and your personal philosophy.
- Do ask a lot of questions.
How to Move from Dating to Intimacy
Intimacy is not about wild, rapid, passion. It’s more like an insatiable slow burning passion. Intimacy is about expressing your true feelings not just what you think is sexy to your partner. Touching each other on nonsexual areas is intimate. Intimacy is not about being critical of your partner. Intimacy is not about conquest it is about being present and giving pleasure not just receiving it. Intimacy is about enjoying the journey together.
Intimacy is not just sex, but incorporates trust, comfort, safety, surrender, respect and open communication. The sexiest thing is being focused and present while making love. Both partners must have a clear intention to be fully in the moment rather than being goal orientated. Most people don’t touch each other with intention. It’s a natural evolution that we should find a deeper level of enjoyment, by moving from sex to intimacy.
You don’t have to give up your regular sexual practices. You can add to your sexual repertoire by practising the art of intimacy.
To experience emotional intimacy, you must surrender yourself so that you feel complete to compliment each others souls. You must be willing to let down your defences and open your heart.
Intimacy is the plateau of sex that every couple strives for but must go through all the other steps before they can achieve it successfully. You need to be on the same plane sexually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
We ultimately strive for our emotional doorway to open through all of our senses when we are both are present any available, emotionally to one another. You are honoring yourself surrendering and connecting with your soul mate.
Here are Three Steps to Move From Dating to Intimacy:
Step 1. Share your feelings about each other to create an emotional bond.
Step 2. Focus on your partners needs wants and desires and put them before your own.
Step 3. Make a commitment to each other.
The next session I spent with this client was dedicated to discovering how she could love her body. We used a naked “Gingerbread Lady” exercise to help. She drew a simple outline of her body, then I gave her a red crayon to highlight the areas on her body that she didn’t like. She focused on her belly and thighs, so we discussed them both, and came up with reasons for her to turn that disdain into love. With her belly, she was self-conscious about the layer of fat, but as we discussed her joyful pregnancy and the miracle of childbirth, she began to see that there were good associations with her belly as well, including a healthy digestive system that had never given her any problems. With her thighs she managed to transform, “They’re too big” into “They’re strong and I love how the muscles feel when I’m hiking.”
Dr. Megan Stubbs 
