This coming Valentine’s Day weekend has a little something for everyone. The newly sexually awakened housewives will flock to theaters in droves to see the steamy scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey come to life on the big screen this Friday. Googly-eyed lovebirds will have Valentine’s Day date night on Saturday amidst the obligatory romantic dinners, red roses, and little fuzzy teddy bears with hearts that read, “I Love You.”
But there’s more to celebrate this weekend. Lovers of safe sex (yeah, they’re out there), fans of the latest sex paraphernalia, and those promiscuous Tinder daters, have National Condom Day, conveniently placed smack dab on Cupid’s lap this Saturday, to remind themselves: Don’t be silly, wrap your willy!
Admittedly, National Condom Day is my personal favorite of all the made-up holidays (with May’s National Masturbation Month a close second and April’s National Bat Appreciation Day clocking in at third place). It’s not that I’m the safe sex poster child, but it’s a great time to freshen up my sex drawer. Yes, I have a sex drawer, and it’s filled with a variety of condoms and other fun stuff. Just like freshening up your wardrobe every Spring and Fall, National Condom Day is a good time to freshen up your condom, well, wardrobe as well with the latest in cock couture.
“If you always use the same condoms, you aren’t having as much fun as you could have. Adding novelty and trying something new is essential to desire and to getting that hot sex you had in the beginning,” says Emily Morse, Ph.D of Human Sexuality, and host of Sex with Emily.
So, in honor of National Condom Day, I have curated a wide assortment of novel condoms to help spruce up your sex drawer and sex life. There’s something for everyone – from art lovers to rockers to Fifty Shades of Grey fans to Prius-drivers and more…
For Valentine’s Day Lovebirds
You Give Me a Heart On,” “I’d Bone You,” and “Roses Cost 2 Much” are the most popular pre-made Valentine’s Day condom packages courtesy of Say It With a Condom, which hit the condom scene with a bang in 2008 when they launched Barack Obama condoms that read: “Cover Your Cock with Barack” and “The Ultimate Stimulus Package.” More important, you can actually upload your own images and text to create personalized condom packages. Def Jam Recordings recently made promo condoms for hip-hop artist Jeremih that read: Late Nights: The Album/I Could Fuck You All the Time – a line from the love song of the year: “Fuck You All the Time.”
For Fifty Shades of Grey Fans
There’s no escaping the Fifty Shades merchandizing bonanza, which features everything from ball gags and anal beads to infant onesies that creepily read, “Looking for Mr. Grey.” (Babies and bondage?!) At least EL James promotes safe sex in her titillating tome. Lovehoney’s The Official Sensual Care Collection has tagged their Fifty Shades of Grey condoms with the words, “The Foil Packet,” after this insipid line from horny housewives’ favorite book: “He takes out a foil packet, gazing down at me, his expression dark. He rolls the condom down over his impressive length…” – Anastasia Steele. Gag. (Pun intended.)
For The Eco-Friendly Guy
Sustainable condoms are here. Don’t worry, we said sustainable, not reusable. “They are like the Whole Foods for condoms,” quips Matthew Mandell, a true condom connoisseur and owner of Condomania.com. He’s talking about Sustain condoms, which uses Fair Trade rubber and is nitrosamine free. Check out their motto: “Feel good doing what comes natural.”
For Art Lovers
Admit it, you wish your dick were prettier. (So do we.) Now you can turn your Johnson into The Mona Lisa – literally. Graphic Armor is the first condom company to allow you to upload a photo of anything – art, tattoo, your face – and they’ll print it on latex for you in full color. “We’re like CafePress, but for your condoms,” says Graphic Armor owner Adam Glickman. “We want you to think of your condom as a canvas for personal [and promotional] expression.” They recently had a New York artist create a condom with the image of one of her pieces to promote her exhibit. Also, ONE Condoms teamed with graffiti and street artists for their HIV awareness campaign, Lust for Life, featuring the artists’ art on the condom packages.
For Rockers
ONE Condoms’ Tantric Pleasures offers tattoo-inspired texture with a pleasure shape in three designs: Titan, Maori, and Tribal, while Graphic Armor created KISS condoms with a photo of Gene Simmons’ award-winning demon tongue running up and down the shaft. Don’t forget, with Graphic Armor you can put any rockin’ design on your pecker and with Say It With a Condom you can rock out the packages with anything from your own band logo to silly sayings like, Rock Out with Your Cock Out. If that’s your thing.
For Ravers
Don’t head to Coachella, Burning Man, or Winter Music Conference armed with just some silly little glow sticks. Instead, turn your dick into a glow stick with one of ONE Condoms’ Glowing Pleasures. Don’t worry; it’s safe. It’s the first FDA-approved glow-in-the-dark condom. “They sell well for us around Halloween too,” says Louie King, marketing and communications manager at Global Protection, which owns ONE Condoms. “Lifebeat hands out tens of thousands of condoms a year for our outreach programs, and by far the most popular brand that we hand out is ONE Condoms,” says Nick Cucci, Executive Director of Lifebeat, Music Fights HIV/AIDS.
For Mack Daddies
Naked Condoms is catering to the upscale client with what Condomania’s Mandell calls, “The Roll’s Royce of condoms. “It’s high quality and the packaging is exquisite,” he says. Naked Condoms is featured in the Oscar swag bags and have been given to such classy lads as Martin Scorsese, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Bradley Cooper. Graphic Armor’s Glickman explains why it’s worth the high price ($6-pack for $15.00): “It’s the most ridiculously upscale condom line. It’s an advanced latex formulation, which produces very sensual, soft latex and it’s the highest-grade silicon lubricant you can find in a condom. And the shape, it’s like a Blimp, 1/3 up it flares out like the Hindenburg, which has a looser fit that allows the nerve endings of the penis to stay more receptive.”
For The Well-Endowed Man
What better second-skin for your anaconda than Snakeskin Brands’ aptly titled Anacondom latex condoms? They boast an inner circumference of 56mm. Of course the super-sized mainstay still comes in those shiny gold wrappers. “Yes, Trojan Magnum Thin is our very best seller. All of our top sellers are Trojans. People are still sticking to the name brand!” says Allison Johnston, marketing manager for Hustler Hollywood.
For The “But, I Can’t Feel Anything!” Whiner:
You know when it’s made in Japan and banned in America, it must be good. Right? So says Mandell, who swears by Okamoto’s .001mm condom. The FDA only allows .004mm, which Okamoto sells in the U.S., but you won’t find at drugstores. “It’s worth seeking these out. Far and wide the best condoms are made by Japanese companies. It’s so thin, you can barely feel it’s there and it’s still strong,” he says. The best drugstore option, though, is LifeStyles SKYN because it’s the first clinically approved polyisoprene condom, making it feel like the real thing. 97% of people who tried SKYN said they would recommend them.
For Her Added Pleasure
Textured condoms have reached new heights pushing the limits beyond the simply “ribbed” and into studs, spikes, bumps, and spirals. Dr. Morse, a brand ambassador for LifeStyles, says, “LifeStyles FUN BUMPS condoms are a party in both of your pants. They are packed with a twist, raised studs that maximize her pleasure and hint of mint makes you guys tingly in a good way.” Durex Performax Intense feature ribs and bumps in a lovely almost polka dot and stripes design, with a delay lubricant that some users have described as a “numbing” sensation.
For A Tasty Treat
The technology for flavored condoms has advanced since when they were first introduced in the ’90s. Now, they really do taste like orange, strawberry, and banana and not like a bike tire. ONE Condoms’ Flavor Waves has chocolate strawberry, bubblegum, island punch, banana split, and more. Durex’s Tropical Flavors includes orange, banana and strawberry fruit flavors. “Be careful, in the U.S. flavored means taste, but in Europe flavored means scented,” says Mandell, who notes that chocolate is popular because it’s intense flavor does the best at masking the condom taste.
Now that you’re all sorted with your new condom wardrobe, how about a little history lesson? Try using these Condom Fun Facts in your pillow talk…
15,000 BC: Cavemen used condoms? Historians report that the oldest known image of a sheathed penis was seen in cave paintings.
Late B.C./Early A.D.: Romans used hand-sewn pieces of linen (ouch) that fit over either the entire penis, just the tip, or INTO the urethra. (double ouch)
1400s-1700s: Renaissance men wrapped it up with condoms made of goat intestines or goat bladder. Scratchy linen was still in as well.
1855: Finally! The first rubber condom was made. Good news: Its thickness made their penises look bigger. The bad news: It’s hard to feel anything when your pecker is wrapped in a condom with the thickness equivalent to a bicycle inner tube.
1920: The first latex condom enters the marketplace courtesy of Young’s Rubber Company.
1957: Kudos to Durex for launching the first the first lubricated condom in the U.K. (Bonus Fun Fact: In 1996, Durex became first condom brand to have a website.)
1978: Students at University of California, Berkeley start National Condom Week.
1990s: Condom manufactures add flavored, colored, and a variety of textured styles to their product roster.
1991: The first condom commercial on TV aired during an episode of Herman’s Head (starring William Ragsdale and Hank Azaria) on Fox. Trojan’s Extra Strength brand nabbed this honor. Also in 1991, the first retail condom store, Condomania, opened in New York City.
2008: FDA approves the first clinically approved polyisoprene condom – LifeStyles SKYNE.
2014: Florida-based Graphic Armor launches the world’s first FDA-approved condoms to feature full color print right on the latex to personalize condoms.
