Hello To All My Sensual Beings,
Every month, it is my goal to bring you sex and intimacy tips to spice up your intimate life. I will reiterate that sex and intimacy are two very different things. They are delicious when paired but are not the same. Learning how to intentionally restore, recharge, and or resume your intimate life is empowering. Many of these activities can be done with or without a partner. Intimacy with yourself first, will prepare you to be your most free self with a partner.
May Holidates
- Masturbation Month
- Mental Health Month
- 1st Global Love Day
- Online Romance Day
Masturbation Month
Unfortunately, masturbation is still taboo. There are many conflicting opinions on self-pleasure.
Here are a few common myths:
- Masturbation is a sin.
- Masturbation has no health benefits.
- People shouldn’t masturbate if they’re in a relationship.
- Masturbation can make you go blind.
- Masturbation is dirty.
- Masturbation must end in orgasm/ejaculation.
I know that I am about to piss some of you off, but here goes. I am cognizant and sensitive to cultural and spiritual norms but we all must question and understand where our beliefs and traditions come from. Some cultural and spiritual traditions and normss started because one person said it, then hundreds of years later, we are still doing it without question.
As a spiritual woman myself, I researched the topic of masturbation in the bible. I have asked many Pastors and spoken up in many bible studies on this topic. The most common reference used to discount masturbation is the story of Onan, which is a story about “pulling out.” I’m not trying to start shit, but I am telling you to get the facts for yourself. I will delve deeper into this topic in my next book, which focuses on cultural and spiritual norms and barriers to intimacy.
Masturbation is “dirty” is a common saying associated with shame. Masturbating is a personal choice, and do not let anyone shame you sexually. The bottom line, you have a right to believe what you believe, just make sure that your beliefs match your actions.
Masturbation in a relationship– Mutual masturbation can be a great intimacy builder. Sitting down in front of each other, face to face, and genitals almost touching, eye to eye contact can be highly stimulating. Do not knock it unless you have tried it.
Have you ever sat down face to face with a partner with your legs opened and touched yourself? A scrumptious activity is looking straight into your lovers’ goodies. You can watch the arousal on their face while their eyes become glossy. Talk them through it. The true g-spot is the ears. Let your partner know what you’re thinking while watching them, or just be completely silent during eye contact. If you want to have a mutually heightened orgasm, delay your climax/ejaculation. Work each other up to a level of seven or eight, then stop. Watch each other’s breathing. Then start touching yourselves again. You can delay climaxing multiple times if you want. By the time you peak, the pouring will be explosive! (Discussed in detail in December’s Holidates)
Here are some of the possible benefits of masturbation:
- release of sexual tension
- stress reduction
- sleeping better
- intimacy builder
- relief of menstrual cramps
- improved body image
- body awareness
- masturbation is safer sex
- understanding your own body
- increased sexual satisfaction
- possible increase in body image and self-esteem
- increased ability for orgasms
There are conflicting views on whether masturbation has emotional and/or mental risks. Here are my opinions on possible risks:
- Excessive masturbation-as with most things, be mindful of excessive masturbation that can affect your personal life, relationships, disconnection with a partner, and overall well-being.
- It is crucial to make sure that whatever you do does not make you feel shame, guilt, and/or embarrassment. Learn the possible benefits and risks and decide for yourself.
- The bottom line? Make sure that your beliefs and actions match so that you are not in an intimate war with yourself.
Mental Health wellness must be a year-long practice. Mental wellness is a vital ingredient to sexual and intimate well-being. When you are struggling mentally, seek help. Talk to a professional who can support you. Most importantly, keep your partner aware that you are struggling. Partners-be supportive, non-judgmental, and ask your partner what do they need from you?
This is a perfect opportunity to work on your communication and intimacy. Each week, check in with your partner-not by phone or text. Set aside a time daily, or at least weekly to sit facing your partner and ask questions and listen. Ask your partner “What do you need from me?” “Are you struggling?” “How can I support you?” These questions may seem simple, but sometimes simple is what we need most!
Online Romance/Long Distance Relationships (LDRs) are important to note. There are extra pressures to keep intimacy and manage sex while away from your partner. Online romance can be military, spouses/lovers in different countries/states, or online dating before in-person dating. I am in a marriage that is long distance so I understand the intentional time they require for long-term success.
Setting aside quality time for intentional dates is imperative, especially while apart. Knowing that someone has set aside time for you is a gift. Pick specific days per week so as not to be distracted by your separate lives. Find a quiet room to talk and connect. Do not withhold your struggles or concerns. Allow your partner to show up for you.
The intentional quality time allows your person to have your undivided attention. You can build intimacy by going through daily routines with each other: brushing your teeth, getting dressed for work, shaving, putting on, or removing make-up. These tasks may seem unimportant, but these little routines can build a deep emotional intimacy, especially when are separated hundreds to thousands of miles apart. You will feel like you are a part of each other’s day.
Not all couples engage in phone/video sex, but those that do, use a ring light to have hands-free sexy time. Sex can take some of the stress away from being separated. Set up the ring light and watch each other take a shower, dance, or watch each other self-pleasure. Ring lights are a must-purchase for couples in LDRs. They assist with many of the intimacy and sexual activities for date nights.
Now Go Play!
All of these tips and activities are described in my new book, Sex & Intimacy Holidates: 365 Days To Unscrew Your Intimate Life. A full year of Orgasms, Oral, and Other Tips. There will be additional editions of Sex & Intimacy Holidates including Sex & Intimacy Holidates: Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs), Sex & Intimacy Holidates: Spiritual and Cultural Competencies, and Sex & Intimacy Holidates: Aging, Illness, and Mental Wellness.
Please continue to visit us at sexpert.com to get the latest and greatest on EVERYTHING sex! You can also get a copy of Sex & Intimacy Holidates on amazon.com.
Coach Syreeta Brown-Lawal,
Certified Love, Relationship & Dating Coach, Sex Educator, H.I.M. Healing Intimacy Movement Facilitator, and Aging Doula